Filed Away..

It's funny how things you don't really remember come back to you in an instance. I was watching an old re-run of the TV sitcom "Friends" and it was the episode where Rachel finds out she is pregnant. The last scene is of her and Ross at the doctor's appointment looking at the ultrasound of the "peanut" and having those dumb-happy expressions on their faces.
Out of the blue I was transported back to that room. The room where they searched and searched for a heartbeat. The room where I already knew something was wrong deep inside me, but was hoping that my instincts were wrong.
That was the room they told me they couldn't find anything.
That was the room I screamed and cried, and pleaded that they be wrong. That was the room I questioned "how" and "why" and "why me". Crying in anguish "my baby!...my baby!" over and over again like someone out of a horror flick.
And I remember the screen, when I finally got myself to look at it.
So very still.
Perfect baby doll inside.

I don't think about that moment much, or really ever. Not because I choose not to think about it, but because it was filed away in the stream of moments that day, all leading up to the same surreal result. It's funny how one word, or picture, or expression on another's face can pull up those files so quickly. The ones I had hoped would stay, for the most part, tucked away in that safe place; filed, but not forgotten.

How vividly do you remember that last heart-breaking ultrasound?

Tagged with Love....

Okay, okay, I'll do it. Thanks for the love Tash, G, and Coggs!!! Here goes:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Blonde
4. Your mother? Stressed
21. Your computer? probably hates me for abuse
22. Your mood? Doing
23. Missing someone? Everyday
24. Your car? full of papers
25. Something you're not wearing? a hat
26. Favorite store? Coffee
27. Your Summer? Miscarriage
28. Love someone? my family
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Saturday

I think everyone's been tagged by now. Antigone? A? Shaina? Monica H?Yummy? If not, consider yourself 'it'!

Progress..

All we can do is try to do better.
This Month I'm succeeding in :

not biting my nails (you can actually see white!!)
not temping (still using my monitor though)
exercising regularly
returning to my uber-healthy eating
making sure I get my 7-8 hours of sleep (providing A doesn't wake up in the middle of the night)
taking time out for 'me'
and overall, trying not to stress.

So that's progress, right?

My laugh of the day...

is when someone in my mom's group got all huffy about this ad: saying that it underminded breastfeeding.

I really did laugh aloud.

Okay, maybe it was just funny to me. Anyone? Anyone?

Into the Light...

Back from the darkness for a bit.
Enjoying the ride
One day at a time
Is all we can ask.

High as a Kite
I wish I could fly
And be with my Angel
Just you and I

But the pit is not far
Around the edge I'll walk
and probably soon
topple in head first.

But we all crawl out
muddy and sore
our knees rubbed raw
...eventually

Guilty as Charged....

Aside from feeling bitter, guilt has also come to the pity party lately. It seems that I have so many things to feel guilty over.
Yesterday, the thing that got me was that my son, who is very social, wants to play all the time with me because he needs that interaction. If J had lived, he would have had a sibling to play with. I feel the most guilty towards the end of they day, when I feel like I have no more 'play' in me. It's not fair to him.
I'm guilty my house is messy and I have no desire to clean it.
I feel guilty for feeling like I'm losing hope
I feel guilty for being heavier than I should be. Even though I lost it all, I have gained some back. And some, is because I was wanting so much to be pregnant.
I feel guilty for all the bitter thoughts that come into my mind when I hear pregnancy announcements for people IRL or birth announcements.
I am guilty of not making a effort to hold onto my friends because sometimes I just can't stand to be around them, and all their beautiful kids, and their hopefulness and naiveness--the things they say, the way they act....
I'm guilty because even though I went out Friday night by myself, I feel guilty for wanting to escape again last night.

This guilt weighs on me, causes my emotions to drag down.

I am not however, feeling guilt over anything related to J and her life and death. But still, I need to figure out how to get over the guilt I feel from being the person I am now, and not who I used to be.

Bitter...

I am bitter.
I know I can get past this, but right now, I feel stuck.
I just want to escape.


C'mon, don't you want to twist the knife....just a little?

Good Fortune...?

This weekend after finishing a delectable meal of take-out Chinese food, I opened a fortune cookie and got a double fortune.

"Family will be your highest priority this year"

and

"You will find your solution where you least expect it"

Now my question is this: If you don't actually eat the fortune cookie, does it nullify the fortunes within?

Gosh I hope not.

Feet Firmly Planted...

The past few days, I've been living my life through a series of vignettes.

The night in July when I announced we were pregnant to Dh, and the look of joy and relief on his face.

Standing in the shower, crying the day we came back from the hospital after birthing J... the utter despair and numbness of the shock

Standing on the play-structure at the park, newly pregnant with J, blissfully announcing it to a friend.

One foot in the present with one foot refusing to leave the past.

I guess we have been on this journey for second live baby now since fall of 2006. No wonder I am weary. No wonder it is easier to think something may be wrong with me. No wonder I struggle daily with altering between bouts of hope and despair, belief and unbelief, optimism and pessimism.

I need to remind myself that I am young. I need to remind myself that there probably is nothing medically wrong with me. I need to remind myself that even though it seems like the odds are against me, really, the odds (true odds) are still in my favor.

I have a friend who has one daughter after several IVF treatments. She has had many failed cycles, and miscarriages. She is at a place in her life where she is sastified with having her one beautiful, healthy daughter, even if no others come along. (and actually she just finished her final round of IVF which didn't take).
I know she is right and that I should try and be content with all I have, after all, I do have a living son.
But I just can't.

I want more. If I could figure out a way to get past the intense wanting......
but how? This just seems impossible to me at the moment.