Could be worse...

Whenever someone starts carrying on about how bad their life is, how depressed they are because things aren't going great for them, I look at them in disbelief.
My default "sympathy" is now, "Well, it could be worse."
If they know they might pause and look a little solemn and say, yeah, I guess you're right
If they don't know, they might shrug and say I guess
I usually remind them that they are still alive and they have loved ones who are still alive.

There is usually a bum on the side of the corner of an on-ramp to the freeway as I make my way home from work. Often they are elderly and are holding a sign that says "Need work. Anything will help" or "will work for food".
So today, I had some almonds in a bag still and I gave it to one man who was on the corner today.
I think our economy is going into a true recession now. I know so many recently laid off...and I think it is only going to get worse with the housing market in most areas crashing.

But yet,
I could be worse
It still could be worse

Ha, yeah, that's funny.....not

So apparently my body is an overachiever who is lazy.
On day 6 of the 10 day progesterone test, the bitch showed up.
So we finished the test early...and now I'm in pain, aye.
Even if you calculate that I skipped one last month, that would still give me an average 34 days.
Phone call:
Me: So I got my period, should I still take the progesterone to shock my system?
Dr: No, you can discontinue use
Me: Aren't you supposed to get your period when your progesterone drops off dramatically? If so, why did I get it when I'm doping up on the stuff? Am I just opposite girl?
Dr: Well, your natural progesterone was probably already declining so even with adding some it wasn't enough
Me: headvoice: opposite girl sounds way cooler
Me: Okay..another question, is it supposed to be black? It's freaking me out a little
Dr: *pause* Well, you haven't had one since July so it makes sense it would be dark.
Me: Okay. *headvoice...somehow black is a little fitting anyways and why does it make me think of meconium?*
Me: Okay, see you in a couple of weeks. I still have to get that bloodwork done.
Her: Okay, see you then.

In other randomness: At least an advantage to taking Mi.dol is I get an afternoon pick-me-up without the calories.

I caught myself fantacizing in the grocery check-out line about due dates and baby names.

Ah the twisted web we weave..

Nothing of substanance in this post...or you figured that out already.

Crab Cycle --a little boring to most

Okay, I went to the doctor and everything is probably fine, just my hormones haven't returned to normal yet. She ordered a prolactin and TSH blood work and prescribed me progesterone so I can do the 10 day test to bring on a cycle.
Wait wait wait. How frustrating is that?
I had hoped to be having normal cycles by now so maybe we could be pregnant again soon.

I'm averaging about one day per week that I feel really sad. I think part of the reason I let myself get so deep into that hole when it comes is because if I don't feel this intense pain, then who will? Who will remember? So I guess I've self-indulged in this feeling a little too much to the point where I have scared DH a little. Yes, upon reflection, it is self-indulgent to feel that intensely.

I have a strange feeling (and have dreamdt several times) that she was reborn to new parents on the other side of the world and it was their first.
How strange is that? In my head and heart, this is how I now imagine her. Sometimes I wish I could see her, so happy in somebody else's caring arms. How grateful they are for her. Maybe she was too strong to be a second child and would prosper better to be a first (maybe only). Although this sounds like guilt, I'm not sure if it is because I don't "feel" guilty.

After hearing other conversations last night (I went to girls night out with my mom's group that I haven't seen in ages), maybe it was better. All of them are having difficulties protecting their babies from their 2 year olds who seem to want to get rid of the baby.
I also think maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I shouldn't have complained so much about having them being so closely spaced. Maybe our family just wasn't ready. My heart wasn't big enough.
It is now though, I am sure of it. I feel like the Grinch whose heart grew several sizes.

Half Moon Bay

Wine, cheese, whirlpool tub, coastal mountain biking, strolling around looking in little shops, little local galleries, beautiful gardens, flower and farmer market, local jazz, and staying in a B&B that is a Queen Anne Victorian built in 1898..what do they have in common? We're here in Half Moon Bay.

UPS

Dear UPS-man,
When you park your truck in the middle of a residential street with the lights flashing and engine running, I have to hold back with all the strength I can muster not to hop in your truck and take off flying down the road. I was thinking how fun it would be to sell all the packages on your truck on the black market while you get the wrap for it. Not neccessarily for punishing you for blocking both sides, but just because I have so many frustrated memories of dealing with your service (or lack there-of),lost birthday presents, paying for 2 day shipping that gets here in 4 days and running to the side of the road because I am so sure that when you go 45 in a residential zone, you will not be able to see me and my young child walking, but just because I think it would cause me sheer joy to do so. So next time you see me in my little silver car trying to get around you because you're parked in the middle and not over to any one side, you might want to think twice before leaving your big brown scrumptious truck running or much to your surprise, you might find me, waving and laughing at you from the driver's seat of your vehicle.
A friendly warning,
from a continuously unsatisfied customer

Strangeness

Life is strange.
I wish I knew what would happen in the future
but if I did, then what would be the point of it happening at all?
Do you ever wonder, what the hell the point of it all is?

I used to think I knew, but now I think I don't.

CD53 BTW
HPT as of yesterday, still NEG

Come the f&*k on!

Still waiting.
CD 50
HPT neg

Today is my sad day.
I was so sad I forgot my son's swimming lesson until it was too late
Which made me feel even sadder.

He replied, "mommy, don't cry. I go swimming tomorrow it's ok"

note: yesterday was in fact good, but what a low today..

Ghosts

The way I see it, we either live with the past, or we are haunted by it.
There are scenes which replay in my head in the still of the night. There are voices I hear in broad daylight.
Sometimes I feel as if I am being chased by ghosts.
Really, can't you see them too? (I look around while asking "normal" people)
How can I weave the lives and death of my children without being haunted by it?

Tears

I cry because I want the world to know
sometimes I wish it didn't.

I cry because I wish you would remember
sometimes I wish you'd forget.

I cry because I wish you were here
but you are not

I cry because I wish I were not alone
but I am

I cry because what might have been
and what was

I cry because how beautiful you were
yet you were

I cry because I don't understand
I don't really want to

I cry because my sorrow is deep
it stabs like a knife down to my core

Of all the things I've ever lost
you I miss the most
Of all the things I've dreamdt about
you I cannot have

How silly to think that I've loved you the most
when my love was cut short by your fall

I cry because of all these things
I've lost a piece of me and without it, I am no longer anymore