Can we just get it over with already?

I'm crampy,tired, bitchy, weepy, breaking out all over my face, bloated feeling....for the past three days. I hope AF comes quickly so I can get this stupid cycle over with.
Did I mention how much I hate "waiting" ? CD 42 and counting.
Will my body ever be normal again? (rhetorical question)

Disbelief?

Where did you go?
Were you ever really here?
Was it all a dream? a game?
Where are you?
Why aren't you here?
Why aren't you in my arms?
Why can't I feel you, touch you?
kiss your forehead, tickle your feet?
What happened?
Why did you leave me?
Did you really exist?
Am I the only one who remembers you?
Why is this so hard
and why I am so damn sad?

Cycle Crap ..anyone? anyone?

Okay so last month I had two periods and this month...none?
I'm CD 39
My CM is all over the board (well, not literally of course, but I think I'm not drinking enough water to produce a substantial amount)
BT is all over the board. There was a dip and rise between CD 20 and 21 but then there was an even lower dip at CD 32 and higher rise at CD 34.
and CP may be a better indicator at this point and the CP seemed high around those same days.
Could it be possible I ovulated twice? or not at all? or maybe just now? I have no idea.
I've taken several HPTs and all negative.
I'm frustrated with OPKs because they are always negative too.
and the past week I've been emotional.
Really, what am I doing wrong? Suggestions or Interpretations anyone?
Not only am I new to this, of course this couldn't be "normal"
Ick. I've read the books, I'm a member of FF.com
This sucks.
I don't feel too stressed but my son did start school and I am returning back to work teaching part time. But I've been eating ok and not working out too much and getting plenty of sleep.
Has this happen to anyone? Should I be worried?
I'm amost 4 months PP. Geez...has it only been 4 months?

Too funny

This morning, after stumbling downstairs, somehow managing to get dressed at 6am (an ungodly hour for me), my son greets me at the base of the stairs: "You asdanaut today mommy?" I couldn't understand him, so I asked him what he said. He repeated it but in my stupor I still couldn't really tell what he was asking me (he's two by the way). So finally I looked to Daddy to translate because he was an entire cup of coffee ahead me already. "You astronaut today, mommy?"
Heh. I looked down at my shirt at the NASA logo. My hubby had gotten me a NASA polo while he was at the Kennedy Space Center last year and I was wearing it today.
"Yes, honey, I'm an astronaut today!"
Don't you wish we could be anyone we wanted to be on any given day?

This made me smile all day long.

Fall...

Fall is in the air...
It is still really hot, but the days just seem shorter. That late afternoon sunlight casts an eerie 4 o'clock shadow..as if telling me that Fall is coming.
Fall..
Teachers are busily preparing their lessons for the year. I am freaking out because I haven't taught a "normal day course" in two years. This time of year brings back so many comforting feelings.
Also, Fall is when I have been pregnant. With my son, we found out we were pregnant in September. With my daughter, we found out we were pregnant later in September.
Still, fall.
I can't help but wish I were pregnant THIS September. But that will not happen. As I struggle to chart my random temperature ups and downs (up one day, down the next), I am pretty sure I didn't ovulate. And even if I did, there was no LH surge. I got so frustrated with my OPKs I stopped doing them and now, AF is two days late (and that is counting a 31 day cycle, on the long side). We're not trying or anything, I just am trying to get a feel for my cycle..
There is that element of control that has been lifted off my shoulders, but still, it is frustrating.
My favorite parts of Fall are teaching the new school year and being pregnant.
Thinking about these things is very comforting.
What's your favorite part of this time of year?

A little bit of caution and/or sympathy is greatly appreciated

AIL: Are you going to the baby shower tomorrow?
Me: No
AIL: Why not?
Me: *pause* I'm just not ready
AIL: Why not?
voice inside my head, screaming: BECAUSE I LOST MY BABY DUMMY!!!!

AIL is my aunt-in-law

Today was like being bombarded with popcorn...one kernel thrown at you doesn't hurt that much...but a whole mess of kernels thrown at you all at once, well, it hurts, Damnit!

A little lost...

I'm going back to work part-time after a two year hiatus.
While this is both exciting and terrifying I can't help but feeling a little lost.

I have come to the conclusion that although life is a journey, there are many paths. And just because you start down one, does not mean that you will finish down that same path. The path starts out promising with a cool breeze and pleasant wildflowers to look at. There is a harmonious drone from the insect inhabitants that fills the
air.
We walk along until we come to a fork in the road and choose to go one way that promises new adventures. Maybe a river, or an old forest grove.
But sometimes the path we wish to travel has a big "Road Closed" sign on it. Maybe there was a mudslide and we can no longer pass, so we must choose the other, even though we are powerless that the decision has been made for us.

Sometimes, when we think we are progressing down a path and just when it looks like we are headed somewhere very interesting and exciting, we are disappointed, only to find that instead, the path has looped around and you are left standing in the exact same spot you were in an hour ago. Was it really such a waste of time?
We also meet people on the path. Some people are friendly, some keep to themselves. We say hello and goodbye...and then sometimes hello again. Once in awhile we might find that we are walking along the same path for awhile but then are disappointed when we separate, only to walk once again, at our solitary pace. How challenging the path can be.
And just when we are panting up a big hill and are about ready to give up and throw in the towel, we persist. We have to in order to survive. We are left sweaty, and sore, but when we get to the top, we are sometimes able to look down and find peace at what we have accomplished.

We can now be looking down into a valley which had many turns and twists, hills, mud, butterflies and beauty.
We are in awe because we are here. We are in awe because we are present.
We live in the moment because it is just that; a moment. To be here one instant, and then gone the next.
We take what we can get and leave behind a piece of ourselves.
We are just as a part of the path as the path is a part of ourselves.

I like hiking and journeys and paths. Sometimes I bitch and moan and just complain, but when I stop for a second to see how far I come, it is then that I feel satisfied.

Where are YOU?

And what's ahead of YOU?

Because regardless of where you end up, there will always be something ahead of you.

Like Nails on a Chalkboard

Two quotes that I disagree with:

"When one door closes, another opens"

Unless there is more than one door. Say two doors close and then maybe three ..and then the final door. Whose to say that a door has to open? You could just be stuck in a square room..or worse, an elevator! You'd only need two doors to close to be stuck in an elevator.
And if you were a mime...well...I can only imagine

**For those that know latin: Post hoc ergo prompter hoc
**For those that don't: After this, therefore because of this. The door quote is an excellent example of this fallacy of argument.

"Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life"

This I have done and it is not true for this reason...when you do what you love and say this is what puts food on the table (as the quote implies *do* for a LIVING) well, then it turns into an obligation and/or commitment. And I have never found a commitment that wasn't at least a little work.
One example is I was a dance instructor. I LOVE dancing! But after teaching awhile, when the glitter wore off a little..it became work, just like anything else.
Another example is that I love being a mom, but if you tell me it's not work, I'll smack you in the face.

The glass is equivocal, thank you very much.

the best laid plans...

I was going to post about how fabulous our camping trip was in Yosemite and how refreshing it was to be out in nature and with each other. How it fed the soul..
Instead...somehow throughout the day, the memories kept creeping in and just now, the the floodgates have opened.
Do you know what you were doing three months ago today?
I do.
I was waiting to deliver my dead child and then holding her lifeless body in my arms.

Better

Having a better day today.
It is also finally sunny....funny how that works.
Correlation...I think yes
I hope it will be sunny tomorrow as well.

Enough

I need to get off my ass and do something productive....rather than just sitting here and thinking
But with weather like this, it is so hard not to do anything more than remember...

Mindlessness

Because I already had a freak out today. I hate that I get so anxiety ridden. I used to enjoy trying new things...now apparently I fear them
So some mindlessness to numb the fear...

You're India!

A great thinker and leader, you have a great deal of power despite
being really poor.  You like movies, cows, and you probably are a vegetarian and may
even be a pacifist.  You've probably been moving away from pacifism lately, though,
as you get more and more defensive that everyone around you is trying to hurt you.
 How about a nice game of chess?


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Baby Sister

Today at swimming lessons, my son, during "play time" at the end of the lesson took out a baby doll from the toy basket. He said, "Baby sister, mama, look".
Kids say the darndest things.
He then proceeded to "teach" her how to blow bubbles, back float and "be a fish"
***
In other related news, I think Jessica visited me last night as I was falling asleep. It was a presence that was fluttering around the head of our bed trying to get me not to fall asleep. I was a little afraid, but yet, wasn't, at the same time.
***
This morning I had a dream that I wanted to buy a new pair of preggo overalls and DH wouldn't let me. I kept telling him, It doesn't matter that I have two pairs already, I want a new third pair!
***

Yes, honey. Baby sister, I see.