The Trouble with Little Girls..

Out here, the weather has turned springlike. The trees and flowers are abloom. The air smells fresh, warm, fragrant, with that hint of winter crisp still. As the seasons turn, I am reminded of the time... I don't count the months anymore like I did in that first year, but it startles me when a new season brings about that season's worth of grief. I was thinking today about how, in a distant spring 3 years past, I was blissfully pregnant with a little girl. I remember wearing this one pink maternity dress and cute matching sandals while chasing my son around the preschool garden. I was pregnant with a little girl. I wanted to look a little girly on the outside. I had about 6 weeks to go until I met her. But I had already conjured up a lifetime of being a mother to a little girl in my mind.

I am still trying to process these feelings. Why is it so important for me to have a little girl? Do I want to have a little version of myself? Maybe partly.
But maybe the deeper truth, if I am honest with myself, is that I want to be the mother to a little girl to do things differently than my mother.
Both of my parents worked full time. I remember envying a one of the girls I went to grammar school with because her mom was home all the time. She took us shopping, even shopping for girl things like bras! She was our girl scout leader. She helped us understand what was going to happen to our bodies before it did. She was the carpool too and from volleyball practice. She was the art docent in my classroom. And while I realize I can do most of these things for my boys, some of it will just be different.
I'll probably leave the body discussion to my husband. Not having brothers, I only have a textbook idea of what happens as they hit puberty. And I doubt they will want to go bra shopping, or maybe even shopping in general. I won't be able to do their hair in long braids and french braids and pig tails like my mother did for us. I won't be able to gossip about what boys like who and whatnot.
Maybe my very idea of motherhood has always been a hybrid of these two women: my mother, and my friend's mother. And how they responded to their girls.
I hate to even type this but maybe it's slightly good that Jessica isn't here (of course I'd want her here), but maybe there would be too much pressure on her to be the perfect daughter and for us to have the perfect mother-daughter relationship that I feel I didn't get to have with mine. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with my mother is so much better now that I have my own family and she is great with the kids. There are just so many things I didn't share with her when I was younger. And part of it was probably because I was angry with her for not being there, especially when things were shitty. I couldn't go to her for boyfriend advice because I wasn't ever really allowed to date until junior or senior year in high school. I had to sneak out and do things in secret but since both my parent's weren't around, it wasn't the hard. On a side note, I think it's funny when some people perceive that the 'time to be home' with their kids is the younger years, when in reality, they would probably have a better eye on things if they were home with teenagers.
But is this wrong to want to fix things by doing things differently with a daughter?
I feel I have tried to let go of this idea, but obviously it is still there, compounded by the fact that I had a girl but she died. I remember the relief and joy I felt that I was having a girl. I know girls. With my sister and I, it's the only thing I know. And while I'll be the best mom to my little boys that I can be, I'm on uncharted territory.
...do I have to let go of the dream, really? Is it unhealthy to cling to these thoughts? I guess we'll see. It is what it is.

new Chapter...literally

After months of thought, I have decided to apply to be part of the SHARE organization. I have to admit that I have never been to a support group meeting. The main reasons I haven't was because I felt like I got so much support from you all here in blogland and also that the closest perinatal loss meeting was an hour away(not affiliated with SHARE).
I want to do this because losing a child is one of the worst things a mother can go through. The special type of grief we go through is also very lonely because many fail to recognize our losses as loss of a child, and not just a medically termed fetus. Since my loss, I have heard of more-friends and friends of friends who have gone through the same thing. I want to help them and support them as well as the others I have not been made aware of but know they exist. I know I will have the time because I am being laid off, so now is my chance to give back.
I contacted the SHARE person and received a response about the process. It sounds easy enough especially with my teaching and psych background. I already have some meeting places in mind. I think the main difficulty will be getting the $400- of which it includes the SHARE training. I also have to discuss with DH and get him on board which I don't think will be a problem. updated: He thinks it's a great idea and would be good for me
So gals, what are your thoughts?

here's a link to the national website if you haven't been there before
SHARE

Updated to add: some of you have asked if you could help so I've set up a paypal account if you would like to help me raise money for the application fee.

Update

Baby G is doing better although still has a horrible cough.
Except now I'm sick as a dog (where does that saying come from anyways?)
When does it end?

Thank you for all your well wishes. They have helped tremendously!

Scared.

Baby G is sick with RSV. I am scared to death. Please send prayers, good vibes and well thoughts..

Coming out of the newborn fog.

What a difference a few days makes!
A's fever is gone and he went to school today! yay! Of course, every time I had to feed G in the middle of the night, I went downstairs to check on A. You know, check his vitals and all. I accidently slept in (the alarm was still screwed up from the power outage yesterday) and when I woke up, I ran down stairs to make sure he was still alive because normally he is up way before we are.

G is definitely coming out of the fussy newborn stage. He's awake basically ALL day with only short little cat naps. But the great thing is he is perfectly content to coo and smile and 'talk' at me. We play little games and rhymes. We do little baby gymnastics where I help him work on head control, grip, and pulling up. We go for walks around the house and the yard. He likes to look around at pictures but finds the sunshine a little harsh still . He doesn't like to play by himself much on his mat yet though. I am trying to remember all the things I did with A when he was that age and remembering how he was.

He does a good 5-6 hour stretch at night. He was sleeping very soundly swaddled in the swing and then I'd let him sleep with me after the last feeding around 4 or so. But he is escaping the swaddle/swaddle wraps/sleep sack swaddle. And he is wiggling a lot more which makes sleeping with me more difficult. I remember at around this point, we transitioned A to the crib, but I thought it was a little later (by a month or two). I remember it was when he was really starting to wiggle around in his sleep. I need to think about what my next step is going to be on this.

Tomorrow is G's two month appointment. Can you believe it? two months and he's still alive and thriving! In fact, I weighed him last week and he was 13 lbs and he has grown out of his 0-3 outfits both in length and in baby chub. I can't wait to get the stats tomorrow.

Having G makes me whistful about other newborns. I don't want to be 'done' . I don't want him to be my last. I know some mothers KNOW when they have their last and savor every minute. I think I'll just try and eat up every darn little precious moment anyways because they grow so fast. A is proof of that, he's going to be five in May. And It startles me to think about how J would have been 3...

3 years...why does time go by so fast? 3 years seems too far away from her.

The Sky is NOT falling..

MIL had surgery to remove a mass
found out she needs to go through chemo
I'm not going to have a job
I need to take the GRE
I need to start getting letters of reference
I need to not get sick
HS reunion coming up...I should lose the baby weight
A has a fever today
The baby can't get sick
What if the baby's already sick?
People can't die

...anxiety's a bitch

gone.

I took down my last post. I felt bad about whining a little. I was trying to say that even though it is hard, I know I'll get through it, I know it's worth it.
Having a dead baby is a perfect baby because they are everything you want them to be, except that they couldn't be that.
I know that having a live baby is better than a dead baby.
But it's like I keep waiting for the joy. The pure unabated-no-strings-attached joy I don't think exists anymore. I have everything and I am still broken. The hole is still there.
I hate that.
But I don't regret it. I love this new baby so much. In my head, I knew it wouldn't 'fix' things, but somehow, in my heart, I wanted it to. If I have 'two' I'll always have three. If I have 'three', I'll always have four. That's the vicious reality. No matter how I try to fill my life to fit what's in my heart, there will always be one missing. That missing piece to the puzzle you turn your house upside-down looking for.
I am the mother of three children who have shaped me into who I am....for better and for worse

edited to add: BTW, for those of you who have asked, I got my layoff notice the other day. They are closing my school and I will not have a job in the fall

6 week Update (by request)

I guess I haven't had much to say here. I am adapting to my new life. I've forgotten how peaceful it all is.
His little smiles and coos melt my heart.
His warmth against my chest soothes my soul.

Breastfeeding is going well. Little G eats every 3-4 hours, at night he usually gives me a 4-6 hour stretch so that is nice. Except yesterday because I think we are gearing up for the 6 week growth spurt. He's getting so big and is already almost to long for his 0-3 mo clothes. I'm able to pump a bottle in the morning with the extra milk left, so I'm stocking up on my supply, in case I go back to work in the fall.
I'm mostly waiting around for my layoff notice as they are closing my school and since we have been in a hiring freeze for 2 years, I don't have any seniority to be transferred to another school. But that's ok with me because I figure I can collect un.employ.ment while waiting to get into nursing school. I need to start looking at the applications as they begin in June, but my day goes by so quickly, I don't know where I'm going to find the time.

We are cloth diapering mostly with prefolds. I haven't been as adamant about it as I was with A in the beginning. But now that things are becoming more stabilized, I have done more when we are home. I just hate the smell of diapers. I did find a paper brand I like, and although it doesn't compost in the landfill, at least it doesn't stink like the other diapers and is all natural fibers against his skin. I guess I'm super paranoid about cancer and all of that.(that hasn't changed over the years for sure).

I'm trying to lose weight. It doesn't come off as quick as I would like, but never has. I struggle with feeling like I am starving all the time. However, I finally stocked up on protein snacks so that should help. I've also been exercising, which contributes to the ravishness. I'm trying to wean myself off carbs and lean more toward a sou.th beac.h die.t which has worked for me in the past. I also logged into my spar.kpeo.ple.com account to help me track. I know it takes time---especially since I'm BF. That last ten pounds didn't come off until I was done BF last time. I got a glimpse at my saggy flabby tummy in the mirror the other night and started crying. I asked Dh if it goes away. He said the other times it did. Then I remembered how I cried last time about my tummy, and that at least this time, I got a live baby. I stopped for a moment to think about that. I also stopped crying.

I have my six week postpartum check up on Fri. I don't want to go. I don't want any more poking and prodding. Really, I know I'm fine. I've been through this enough to know I'm fine. There is no pain, no tenderness, no bleeding or discharge. The only reason I'm going is to get my prescription for the mini-pill. If I didn't want the script..I would just cancel and have them forget. How awful is that? After so many years of vaginal exams, I'm just sick of it. I got my baby, now quit already, k?

Anyways, that's the state of things. I'm over the moon with this little one. I'm so glad I found the courage to not give up and push through because it is so worth it. Somehow, I feel like I've proved to myself that I can do this two-kids-mom thing. I don't have to wonder anymore.