Not Fair..

I'm feeling a little blue for no reason today. Maybe I'm tired, I don't know. But I'm slightly nauseous, probably because I haven't eaten much today. Nothing sounds good. It's hard to force yourself to eat when literally NOTHING sounds good.

Some friends of ours IRL just had their 3rd child, a girl. They now have a boy and two girls, all 5 and under. And I wish that I were happy, but I'm not. It's just not fair. Why do they get to keep their children? Yes, they had an ectopic once and it was "the worst thing that's ever happened to them", but really...
I hate these feelings. I admit that I am jealous. They have their perfect little family. This last one was 'unplanned'. I know I shouldn't have, but ever since I found out she had been admitted early this morning, I've had pictures of still ultrasounds and blue babies running through my head up until I got the announcement. I don't like these thoughts or feelings, but I think I just have to acknowledge them and move on. Being a deadbaby mama has taught me that I have no control over weird feelings and thoughts. How can you? They pop into your head just long enough to make you feel like shit for even thinking about them in the first place. Just have to keep yourself in check and move on. I'm sure tomorrow I will feel 'happy' for them and can offer my congrats. But right now, I have to deal with the crappy jealousy feelings. They have two daughters and a son, and here I am with months to go of worry until I get to hold mine in my arms. It's not fair. But we all know this.

And I got on the scale (like I do every morning) and I've lost another 2lbs. 2lbs today, 2lbs yesterday. Total weight gain so far: 8 lbs. Someone yesterday commented on how small I look. So I'm feeling guilty and hoping nothing is wrong.

My next appt. is next week....hopefully I will get to hear the heartbeat.

Just gotta get through this...

We went to a little girl's birthday party of some close friends. The place was covered with fairy and princess stuff. She was given Barbies and fairies and a tutu. And I teared up.

See, I've figured out that it isn't about this baby at all. I am excited about this baby. I love this baby and am excited to have another son. And it really wasn't ever about replacing Jessica either. But...

Yes, BUT I am having to mourn my what-would-have-beens all over again. And now they have turned into what-probably-never-will-bes. Sure, I'm young and could probably technically have another shot, BUT Dh and I have only ever talked about having two. And now I am having our third, but, you know how that story goes.

So in all reality, I may never have that whole mother/daughter thing: the princesses and pinks and purples, the horses, the clothes and dresses, the drama, the prom dress, the wedding dress, the baby shower.... the list goes on and on, as you can imagine. Now yes, I realize, that gender isn't everything and I might have had a lesbian tomboy and would love her all the same. Again, this was the dream I had in my head. This was the dream of the future I had with Jessica and apparently held some of it wrapped up with the hope I have with this pregnancy.

And so I cried. I mourned. I looked at this little girly-girl with her disgustingly cliche girl-birthday party things and teared up knowing the high probability that I would never experience that.

Last night while crying myself to sleep I made a decision. I HAVE to get over this stupid dream. I HAVE TO. I can't let it affect the way I look at this little blessing or how I raise him. In order for me to be the best mother I know I can be, I have to let my own stupid fantasies go. I figure I have 5 months to figure it out. I hope I can do it by then.

Oops, wrong button.

So, I was wrong afterall. It's a boy.
I hate when you get a non-talky ultrasound tech who spend the half hour looking at your baby in silence. As he kept getting more and more images of the heart, I started to get concerned. Finally I made a joke, "Geez, you guys sure take more pictures of the heart nowadays" (nervous laugh). He replied, "Not everyone, just me". He went on to say how much he loves the heart and how he used to do echocardiograms and how he feels the heart is the most important. Finally he was talking. He asked if we wanted to 'know', we said yes.
At the end, he said everything looks good and we were to wait for the doc. The doc asked what number baby this was for us. Earlier that morning, when I arrived, the tech asked me what pregnancy this was and I immediately said three, no blinking. But with the word 'baby' my brain did a double take. "Two, no three". I looked at Dh. He said "Three." The doc laughed. "what, you don't know?". I then explained. He asked how she died so he would know if he needed to be looking for certain abnormalities. "Nope. She was perfect. She got the cord wrapped around her ankle and as she was decending, it pulled tight and cut off oxygen. Just the damn cord"(nervous laugh).

He gave the baby another look over. Everything perfectly healthy, perfectly formed. I don't know if I was crying because of the explanation, or because I was relieved everything was good, or because I was so wrong about the gender. I teared up, but waited to have my good cry until I got into the car.

After trying to process my emotions, I came to the conclusion that I was so hoping it was a girl. Not for the normal reasons one might hope for one gender or another, but because of Jessica. After searching the corners of my soul, I knew I was crying because somewhere hidden inside, I thought that by having a girl, it would replace her..could replace her. And even though my logical side knows this is nonsense, I'd be lying to myself if I denied this. As if by having a live baby girl, I could do all the girl things with her that I couldn't with Jessica. I could almost see myself replacing a framed picture on my deadbaby shelf, and swapping it with a live one.
How horrifying.

But she is saved of course. She is still on her perpetual pedestal, sitting upon the shelf. My girl memories will only be of her and the what-could-have-beens, not to be replaced by newer happier mother/daughter moments.

How silly it is. I want a baby. I am happy for this baby. I have hoped for a baby so much it hurt. Now he can be his own person, more so because of his gender, he will not be living in her shadow.

Tugging at the Stitches..

I woke my son up this morning and after we said our 'good mornings', he looked at me full of the wide-eyed innocence that only a four year old has and said, "Mommy", you're going to have a baby!" and smiled. He went on to ask "how big is it now?"and "when will it get here?"

For the rest of the population, I have been inserting my "maybes" and "hopefullys" at the end of my answers to questions like that. Like it was my own injected disclaimer. But I just couldn't do that to him.

It will break his little heart if this baby does not make it. The thought of his little heart makes me shatter inside a little. He was too young to remember my pregnancy with Jessica. But I let him believe because I too, want so much to believe.
And so my burden to bear will be the pulling of the tiny stitches of my heart, so that he may, at least for now, remain so innocently optimistic. He can be optimistic for the both of us.

Freaking out...

I want this so bad I am slightly freaking out.

I want to nest, make the baby's room, get the baby stuff, have the baby shower.

I want to hold him/her in my arms in those soft cuddly flannel blankets, all wrapped up and warm.

Oh fuck, how I want this so bad.

I am so happy it is scaring me. I've tried not to climb to that precipice of hope, but damnit, I'm there. Now I either jump or fall.

And now I am crying because I'm scared. Despite my cautious efforts to guard my heart I have fully embraced the joy that I am pregnant. How can this end in happiness?
In the back of my mind, I still see myself falling.

I don't want to fall....

I know I love this baby unconditionally already. I've tried not to get too attached and now here I am.

I now have everything to lose..again.

Please send good vibes for a healthy sonogram on Friday. I hope everything's alright. How can I wait until then? 5 days....

Weird Dreams..

So this morning, as I fell in and out of consciousness because of the thunder outside, I had a strange Dream.
I was in bed with Gil.les Ma.rini (from Danci.ng with th.e st.ars) and after cuddling awhile (which was weird because our spouses were in the next room and didn't seem to care), he confessed that he and his wife had lost one too.
He then proceeded to ask me if I was fearful for this pregnancy. I guess he and his wife had put off having another after they lost theirs for fear of losing another.
I said with such clarity that I was not fearful and at this point, there was nothing that could be done. If something happened and I went into labor, the baby would not survive. If the baby died, there would be nothing I could do to prevent it. I went on to say that I have no control over the situation and so I had to let it go.
And I do believe this.

But still have hope that it will come out all right. I can still have hope. I have to have hope. It's all I have.

Knowing...

It hit me today.
I'm having a girl.

I won't find out officially until next Friday with the ultrasound, but I just know.