Endorphin High...

Call it the endorphins speaking or what you will, but in the midst of my workout last night I started to get hopeful. Hopeful the 2008 will bring so much: A much needed job for my mother, much desired weight-loss for me, and a baby.....
Is this too much to hope for for one year?
I don't usually do a 'resulution' list, but maybe I'll do a "2008 New Year Hopes"

Here's mine:

-lose the remaining 18lbs or more
-become pregnant (which would put my baby due the following year)
-have a healthy pregnancy with healthy baby in tow
-get through the year anniversary (next Mother's Day) with peaceful and maybe even happy thoughts/feelings
-get hired on to teach summer school this summer
-get hired on to stay another year as a part-timer in my district


What's on your "2008 New Year Hope List?"

Post this meme if you dare to hope for the new year.

(it's okay if you don't, but it's okay if you do, too)

We cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it exists, we just have to wander and stumble a bit through the utter darkness, with a certain amount of faith that we will get through.

The "tune up"

I'm a little late posting on this, but I just wanted to gush at how great my OB's office is.

First off, I walk in the door to check in. A, the receptionist immediately says,
"Hi, J, how are you?
Me, "I'm ok"
A, "did you have a good Christmas?"
Me, "it was ok"
A, "Looking forward to the new year?"
Me, "Yes!"
A, "I hope 2008 is a much better year for you"
Me, "me too"

It's nice to be remembered.
Also, they put me in the room next to the Dr.'s office so I didn't hear any baby heart beating or pregnancy gushing and such.
AND I swear they looted the room of baby book stuff (usually the rooms have "What to expect.." and other pregnancy crap)
AND I stepped on the scale and lost 2 more pounds (well, I probably lost the 2 lbs sometime BEFORE I stepped on it)

Also, my OB gently asked what our plans were. And so I told her. It was so nice not to get that pressure. She answered all of my questions and took the time to really see how I was doing.

I feel so lucky.

I feel like we have gone on this journey part-ways together

...so anyhoo, everything else seemed fine.
I hope to be returning in the summer with good news. Yes, hope.

If I could just get back to that place...

If I could just get back to that happy serene place.
I don't know why I try, ever so often, to read up on all my friends on their blogs and profiles(the ones I knew, once upon a time IRL)...especially this time of year.
I'd say I am happy for you and how what a great year 2007 was for you, but I am NOT HAPPY for you. I am bitter. I'm not happy for you being pregnant, or getting married or having a new addition, or losing weight, or just being happy.
Whatever.

Let's see what 2007 brought me, a dead baby and 20 lbs to lose. great.


In other, not-so-bitter news:
I have my "annual" tune-up tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I wait everyday for it to "get worse". "It" being anything. Will I get cancer? Will someone I know be hit by a car?...I hate this thinking.
I've been kind of sick the past day with abdominal pain that worsens when I don't eat anything but bread. I'm hoping it's just a bug, but of course I've looked at all the things that it could be....the things that are much worse.

I want to be in the happy place again....

Here I am again

Spoke too soon. Ah the joys of the grief rollercoaster.

So, "He" and I have had a rocky relationship now for a few years. And this whole process has left my belief system so up in the air and now so uncertain and changing. I was for the large portion of my life, a Christian with somewhat Baptist and Protestant flavorings...now I have beliefs still, but they have changed, and altered in some really contrasting ways. I am trying to sort everything out as I begin to piece back together my life and who I am.
Part of it is I don't feel Jessica is in heaven. Three days after she died, I SWEAR she visited us(which I talked about in another post I can't find at the moment), but after that I haven't really felt her presence, except for a couple of other times, but then it wasn't a very strong one. I also had a dream later on that she was reborn to a new family, specifically on the other side of the world (another post). What's weird about this is before she died, I didn't really believe in rebirth or reincarnation, but this was an intense feeling that just came to me. Sometimes I think that when I feel her for a few moments, maybe she is dreaming of me..

So today I was thinking about her and maybe she is in someone's arms enjoying Christmas on the other side of the world and I thought, teary-eyed, "Does she ever think of me? Does she remember me and the love I had for her?
Do you remember the mama that loved you so much in her tummy for 9 months?

What makes me cry is that I don't think she does.

I remember you!!!!!!!

Christmas Poem.

I don't really have much to post about today. Surprisingly I am feeling a little better, but I know this is soley due to the anticipation I feel at watching my living child enjoy the day (this is the first year I think he really "gets it")

A few times yesterday I thought about how last year I was dressed up in this pretty outfit, beaming of happiness with the new life inside me. We had just found out it was going to be a girl.....so hard not to think back to last Christmas.

* I keep catching myself trying to find the ornament of Jessica's footprint on the tree and then remembering her tiny feet throughout the day-it's so nice to have her as part of our holiday*

That said, I am thinking of all of you. You are all in my heart and I am sending wishes of peace that you get through today and tomorrow (for those of you that celebrate the holiday).

If you find yourself a need for a good cry, maybe this poem will help:

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear one, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send to you a special gift from my heavenly home above,
I send to you a memory of my underlying love.
After all, "love" is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as the Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings, or the love he has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

‘Author Unknown’

Peace Offering?

After having a little fit of mania last night due to the recent accomplishments of most of the items on my "to do" list, I am found, this morning fighting back that ever looming gray cloud. I'm not fighting that hard, truth be told, but I can feel it there, just at the surface. When will it take over?

I am not taking any "medications" so to speak, but am taking a variety of herbal remedies that promote hormonal and emotional balance and neglected to take them with breakfast this morning. After being just a little sad and then a little snappy because I was fighting the sadness, I remembered to take them. It's now an hour later and I am feeling more even-tempered. I hate the fact that I feel a need to take these supplements, but I am grateful they work and also grateful that they are all-natural and relatively inexpensive.

There's a relative coming over this afternoon who've I've had a really rocky relationship with long ago....the test will come then. And the only reason I've let this person back into my life is because of my son, but now question even that.

Tomorrow will be spent with Dh's family-and I've been instructed that if we get any more questions about when we will "have an announcement to make" to have full permission to say something like, "we just buried our daughter, let us grieve!"
Will I do it? Will I not? Only time will tell.

Tuesday morning will be spent with just the three of us and feeling grateful to be able to watch my son experience "all the joys" of being a child on Christmas morning.
The evening will conclude with hosting a little Christmas dinner with Dh's parents and sister, my mother and sister, and Dh's brother and his wife/family.

I bought some wine just for me (because I'm the only one who likes Merlot and don't want to compromise between Merlot and Cabernet *Dh's preference* this holiday) to enjoy that comforting, warm and fuzzy feeling in my body. Just a little treat for me for the holidays.

I wish everyone an "ok" (because we all know it's not going to be great or even good probably) holiday, whether you are celebrating or not.
Maybe more appropriately I should say "Peace be with you"

Holiday Rant aka Christmas Bitch-list

I hate the holidays. I HATE them!!!! and now I have even more reason to HATE them!!
I am so stressed out!
-Presents to wrap (thankfully they are all bought),
-relatives to "pencil in",
-getting presents from people when I HATE obligatory presents,
-feeling sick that I didn't get anything for them,
-not wanting to spend too much but then everything adds up and ARGH!!!!!
-I still have to clean my house for company,
-figure out what I'm taking/making to the potluck,
-worry about how/when I'm going to see my side of the family that doesn't live here,

-hating everyone who didn't send cards to us this year (including my two closest mommy friends, in fact, I haven't heard from them in a month, very shortly after one of them had her second baby boy) ARGH!
-Holiday eating-trying to be good because I want to lose weight,
-then slipping up because it's "there".
-trying not to picture how it would be like if she were here..

-dreading the family
-dreading the gift-giving/present-receiving

-Holiday crowds
-holiday expectations
-holiday fighting
-holiday driving
-holiday spending.


I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I'll be doing some "holiday drinking" for sure
Bring on the Egg Nog!!! Oh wait, that's not on my diet you say?
Well, if it has alcohol in it, it cancels out the calories by default.

I'm just counting down the days until 2008...

The Waiting Place

....headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

From Dr. Suess' Oh the Places You'll Go

Waiting for the mail to come....I'm obsessed

What are you waiting for?




edited to add: Yay! It came! And five cards came today!

Absent...

There are many holiday cards absent from the mail. Last year we got many, many cards. And even the year before, were more.
But so far, this year, there are cards noticably not there.
Where are my cards of yore?
Have they forsaken me?

Am I only allotted a certain number of cards each year, and this year the holiday cards had to share with the sympathy cards?
That can't be right, can it?

Or have our friends and family distanced themselves? Too far for the mere postman to deliver? Has emotional distance transcended physical distance?

The picture is all of the holiday cards we have received to date...can this be it?

Of all the holiday traditions, the one I look forward to the most is the Holiday cards. A gift of thoughtfulness. I sent out 80 holiday cards this year. I always send out that many, although sometimes the list meanders a bit from year to year.

I feel sick, thinking that we are truly forgotten and forsaken by those once held not necessarily near, but still dear.

So far, the quote that stands out most in my head is "We hope 2008 is a better year for all of you"....yeah, if that's not the understatement of the year.

Another one said, "wishing all of you Joy"....joy..hmm...nope, doesn't ring a bell.
But that was from the one that doesn't know.

I am hoping more come in the mail. Maybe they are all just late.....do I dare hope?

It's silly, I know, but isn't everything about this time of year so?

Sad Christmas Lyrics STUCK!

Judy Garland's voice keeps murmuring through my day, infecting my thoughts with a little holiday melancholy

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow

Is this the most cynical and depressing Christmas song ever?...and yet now, somehow, I get it. I'm muddling, I'm muddling.

As an interesting tidbit, I guess most artists who have recorded this song, replace the last lyric with "Hang a shining star upon the highest bow"
I guess it wasn't "light" enough for everyone.

Frank Sinatra wanted to add this song to his "A Jolly Christmas" album and didn't find it "jolly" enough so he asked songwriter Hugh Martin to change it. The original song was sung by Judy Garland in the film "Meet Me in St. Louis"

Heh

Oh, and I found this amusing.

What Is Your Daemon?

PANTHER - Your daemon is one of the big cats - perhaps a puma, or jaguar, or maybe a leopard. You are brave, proud, and graceful. You let nothing stand between you and the things that you want. You are cool-headed and you like to be in charge of the situation. You do not take orders. You work best on your own, because the incompetance of others just impedes your ability to get things done. You are the true king of the jungle.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

No Regrets

Today my co-worker pulled me aside and had some news. She's pregnant. 12 weeks. She wanted to tell me alone before she told the rest of the people at work. She wanted to be sensitive to me. I was touched. I don't think she expected me to genuinely smile and grab her and give her a big hug and say "congratulations". But I did. I am happy for her. She is one of the people who deserve babies, you know? Kind and sensitive and caring. And yes, some people I think DO NOT deserve babies, or children for that matter. I guess some are lucky that it is not MY decision to make.
So she said, "so I'm open to any advice" and I said, "well, I'm sure you'll get plenty of that from everyone"

After thinking about it. What advice would I give her? Initially, I thought, *have a live baby* was a good goal. But really, how would one ensure that? You can't. I had a flawless pregnancy. I did everything right. I ate right, took my prenatal vitamins, exercised regularly. I craved vegetables and avocados. I didn't have blood pressure problems or blood sugar problems, and I'm under the age of 30. My body started to go into labor naturally. I wasn't stressed out. What would I do differently? Nothing other then maybe enjoy the time a little more. I guess that is what my advice would be.

I really have no regrets. And next time I get pregnant, I'll do no differently. I really don't even want to be treated as high risk, because I'm not. I've had two successful pregnancies. I took care of my children as much as I could.

We would like to shelter them from the world, protecting them. But in the end, we cannot. We must take solace in knowing that we did everything we could, with the information given to us at the time. Any good mother would have done anything she could to save her child's life. But in the end, it is indeed her CHILD'S life, and not her own.

Okay, a little late...

So Disneyland was ok. I did ok, especially the first day. The second day, I just got tired of the crowds, and the greed, and the materialism, and the fake snow, fake happiness, getting bumped into, run over, and surrounded by happy smiley people with kids and babies. Yes, babies. Why you would take your one or two month old to Disneyland is beyond me. I was not expecting that.
It was great seeing my son's face though. His favorite rides were the "scary" ones like the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Carribean. Who knew? Towards the end he started acting like all the other spoiled brats, so I am glad we left.
I tried my best not to eat too much, but truth be told, they only sell crap there. And finding something vegetarian, well, that was challenge as well.
Somehow, eating crap, I managed to lose a pound, keeping me on track with my weight loss.

All week I have been in catch-up mode (since we came back monday) and went back to work the next day. We have one more week until Winter break. It cannot come soon enough.

My holiday cards are sent. There are some people who I opted not to send cards to this year due to events that occured. Such as some people acting weird or absent when we needed them the most, or some who I invited to my shower and didn't come, and still don't know....I just don't feel like putting that in a holiday card. (they are photo cards so it would be immediately apparent the bun that was baking in the oven is missing)
Have I mentioned how sick I am of the holidays already? It's not that I am super sad this year, it is that I don't like the premise of the holidays. Buy. Greed. Stress. Glutiny.
Oh, and has anyone noticed that EVERYONE is PREGNANT right now? IRL as well as celebrities and online friends.......
I am counting down the days until 2008.

As per my last post, it was all a dream. I think it came from finding out my high school friend's mom just died (she was 52) from heart recovery complications and somehow I got to thinking about how this guy I dated back then told me of his baby sister that died when he was five. I've been dreaming a lot since we got back. The rapping on the door part I am fairly certain was NOT a dream. My initial thought that it was Jessica, telling me not to be late for work....but I don't know what's real or not anymore sometimes

Cards are sent out. Gifts are all purchased. Now I just have to wait.....like preparing for the storm, right?

A Dream?

Sitting in the living room of an old high school friend's parent's house.
It seemed strange being there with him, his wife, and his mother.
The conversation was awkward. His mother asked,
"How's your baby?"
"What baby?"
"The new one"
"oh, she died"
"I'm so sorry"
After a few moments I left.
As I turned from the house, into the cool breezy air his mother caught up with me
"Wait. How are you? Have you sought help?"
"No"
As she points to something behind me, I turn to look. The air is a dark blanket around me.
I look to where her fingers lead. There is a little tombstone that reads "Baby Girl"
I feel drawn to this woman. I knew her for years, but never had anything in common with her before.
I awoke to a gentle rapping at my door, several times. It was six o'clock and everyone (me, DH and my son) were still sleeping. I should have been up 15 minutes ago.
How much of it was a dream?

Back from Disneyland. I survived. I'll post something tomorrow about it, hopefully

Disneyland...

Off to Disneyland for a few days.
Either the "happiest place on earth" will rub off on me, or I'll throw up.
What do you think?

Change..

The cold crisp days from the past few weeks are changing. It is getting warmer, windier and the clouds are moving in.

Where once I embraced change, now I resist it.
I catch myself planning to do things next week, next month, and next year, only to realize that I cannot really bank on anything the future may or may not hold. This is unsettling.

So what do I try and do? I try and embrace the little moments. Picking my son up at school and spending an hour at the park before naptime. Playing with him. Embarking on his adventures. Playing with sticks and drawing circles in the sand warmed by the winter sun.

I try and spend time reflecting on my job. I feel like I have a job that makes a difference and I am doing something worthwhile. Where once I focused on achievement and striving for the top of the ladder, I am taking the little moments each day to be present. I take comfort in the cause, not necessarily the outcome.

I no longer try and censor everything I say and worry what others think. There are cruel people in the world, and only time will try and change them. They have their own trials and tribulations ahead of them. They will not go through life without loss of some kind. The road ahead of them is full of heartache and saddess, but they have yet to see that end of it. But they will...they will...

They do not see time is precious. Time is a gift. Every moment of the day is one that was given to us.

They don't see. They waste time being hateful. They waste time spending money and griping, shouting obscenities out car windows, cheating, and hurting one another. They do not see. One day they will. One day they will.

I have seen it. Life is a gift. We do not have a right to life, but we are indeed given life. In an instant, it can be taken away. We don't have time. If we don't cherish life, we waste it. ...cherish it.

I had this ornament made from Jessica's footprint. They did a beautiful job. We are giving one to each set of parents as well has DH's grandmother. It will be nice that her memory will be there with us this holiday season. I ordered it from this site and got them in less then a week. They were very helpful over the phone.