NYE..

I have been horribly grumpy this morning. I wonder if it has to do with the looming new year. The new year offers no promises to be better, or even different than this past year. I think what is getting to me the most is that I was supposed to have accomplished more this year. Leaving this year unfinished is like leaving that stack of papers to finish before going on vacation. I can't enjoy the time away when I have so much that I left.
Some of you have reached or almost reached your goals by now. You have new babies with new promise and for that I am happy. But here, I have fallen short.
The new year, like the wave that crests out in the ocean, IS coming. It will come whether I am resistant to it or not. It will wash away some of the old, build some new and then go back out to sea once more. But where will I be at the end of this new year? will I still be there, in shock, drenching wet, seaweed in my hair, thinking, "WTF?"
Because that is how I feel right now about this year.
The new year will come tomorrow and I'll still be standing there thinking, "WTF".
No better. No worse. Slightly damp.
Dh hates to do any kind of NYE celebrations because of stupid people on the road, so I'm sure here we will sit, while our angel child sleeps in his bed, and just sit here like any other night.
I can neither welcome the new year with open arms nor say a big "FU". Until I have another living child the years will blend together, one after another in a lull tide of gray and damp.
Yup. That's pretty much where I'm at right now.....

4 Christm.ases...

I didn't need to see the movie because we had our own fo.ur Chri.stmases. Between going to the extended IL family on the Eve (surrounded by preggos and infants, this is where the bulk of the drinking occured), our own little ceremony on the morn, then the MIL and FIL's, then off to drive to my mother's. Oh yes, we did it all.
I am trying to keep in the present. I can't focus on what it would have been like to have a 20 month old with us.....although the thoughts did enter into my mind a few times.
I am actually looking forward to the new year....maybe it will be a new start. By this time next year, I'd like to either be hugely pregnant, or holding a crying infant in my arms.
But for now, I'm content to watch my son scoop up his new Lego.s, singing happily to himself. I am eternally grateful for the gift that he is to me and everyday I have with him, is a little piece of heaven and unbridled love.
I'm trying not to want more than I have, because I indeed have so much to fill my heart.
I'll try.

Cookies...

A and I made a few more angels for all of our lost little ones.....
Thinking of all of you this holiday. I hope we can all find a little peace somewhere, somehow, if only for a few minutes.

A simple gift..

I went to bed singing, "Al.l I Wa.nt for Chris.tmas is my PERIOD, my PERIOD, yes, my PERIOD" ..you get the idea
And this morning?
There she flows in full force.
So now I get to dash out in full holiday fashion to do my last minute shopping of pads and pain reliever.
Maybe there is indeed a Santa Claus?
I really am happy about this, my last cycle started Oct 13th!

Season for Giving...

It's good for me to get out of the "woe is me" mentality where I get so sad and bitter, to crawl out of my egocentric hole for a bit and look the hell around me. I think what has gotten me through this whole Christmas build-up was that we helped out with the adopted family program where you buy gifts for a family in need.
See, the school where I work at was supposed to do this for two families, but the rich brat kids only shelled out a mere $60 (and with 58 kids, you do the math). So my coworker, Dh and I decided that instead of buying adult gifts for some family members, we would put the money towards these two families.
Last week, I treated myself to retail therapy of a different kind. And it felt damn good.
Between my coworker and I, we ended up getting everything on their humbling lists. Lists that included a basketball, perfume, clothes, sheets.
This should be a season for giving, not getting or wanting or pushing or shoving or hoarding.

Perspective gets me every time.

Oh man...

So I found out today that the evil witch is for sure having one this summer...

but worse,

A friend of a friend just lost a baby born prematurely at 28 weeks.

*sigh*

A Poem for my Jessica.

There was an angel amongst the glee
She perched up there, upon the tree
Her gown was painted white as snow
Upon her head a bright halo.

This angel only I could see
With mother's eyes, so lovingly
I could not touch, but felt her warmth
She pulled at strings upon my heart

Once in a dream she smiled at me
She wriggled and cooed so innocently
But when day came and I awoke
I knew she was gone, but then she spoke:

Dear mother please don't cry for me
For here I sit to watch over thee
Your eyes, I wipe away your tears
I hold your hand and draw you near

I love you more than words can say
I'm sorry that I could not stay
To open presents Christmas day.

Monday again..?

No alarm went off. I looked up and could see a little light coming through the blinds. Wait, this isn't right, I thought. I frantically glanced at the clock. 7:00 on the dot.
Crap!

Somehow I was out the door a half hour later and into bumper to bumper traffic.
Crap.
Then one thought crept in.
I pushed it aside.
Crept in again, as I kept nudging my way through the 10 miles to school.
Crap.
Crap. Crap.
I'm crying by this point, full out wailing crying.
Exit the freeway.
Park the car.
Walk to class....crept in again.

And there she was. Her body, surprisingly warm, being thrust into my awaiting arms. She felt like a baby, a real live baby. Except she wasn't. I stared into her face with only love because the sorrow came later.
I loved her. She was mine. If only for a second.

Crash and Burn...

Want a recipe for tear soup? How's this:
1 hour Holiday shopping trip
1 hour spending time with baby niece
1 end of taking progesterone
2 baby shower invitations via mail

and something else missing....

don't worry, I'm sure I'll be crying by bedtime

Gratitude...

I think the best thing you can teach a child, and learn yourself, is gratitude. How to be grateful. How to say "thank you". Because of the type of school I work at, and the type of overindulgent parents the students have (I think), I don't see a whole lot of gratitude.
And so today, when one student's parents, out of 55 this year and 65 last year, got me a box of chocolate and a card that says, "thank you", I was touched. When the principal asked me if I wanted to line up the card in the office with the others (they were little polar bears), I said no. I said I wanted to bring that card home, and hang it on the wall because it was my first thank you card from a parent in working at that school for two years.
I know I will not be at this school forever. I cannot give and give and give and get so little in return. They don't want to learn, they don't want to be there. They are there because the law tells them to. And so I don't get very much back. At least at the regular schools you have those one or two students in class who get inspired to learn just what you are teaching. But not these kids. They are too wrapped up in their activities and social lives after school, their game boys and other computer games, their texting, their drama with their friends, trying to get into trouble with the law while trying to stay out of it.
And it disgusts me sometimes the lack of gratitude they express.
When your teacher brings in cookies as a reward, don't ask for brownies.
When the school gives you muffins on Fridays for perfect attendance, don't ask for doughnuts.
When the principal wants to say thanks for helping us show off the school to important people with a free BBQ of burgers, don't suggest ribs and tri-tip.
Just say "Thank you".
Really.
"Thank you".

And I see it in that one city with the younger kids too. Oh yes, they start early. They give their kids any toy in the store they ask for, even after just throwing a full out tantrum. They threaten consequences, but then take the kids out to MickyD's just the same. The toddlers scream and cry until they get candy. Sadly, I've seen this over and over again in my daily life. It's no wonder they grow up to expect ipo.ds and wi.i gaming systems for merely passing classes.
Something is very wrong with the town. And it sickens me. I cannot even be around most mothers in my mom's club anymore because it disgusts me.
The next town over also is known for money, but somehow the kids are involved in community service projects, have chores, etc.
I want my child to be grateful. We go through the motions every day saying "please and thank you". We do this because it's important.

I am thankful to my students for showing me how important gratitude is. As much as I hate Christmas and the hype, it is a time for me to express gratitude to people I love.
And so that is why I am grinning and bearing it this year. Because I am grateful.

You know you need to do laundry when...

you're forced to wear your slutty panties to school.....

*sigh*

Frustrated......

By the count of my last regular-like period, it should be CD 56.
I had weird spotting for about 5 days between days 31 and 35.
Day 34 I had a positive OPK and day 36 finally had EWCM. My temperture surged the next day, then dipped again, then surged again and was up for 3 days. I stopped temping at this point.

I keep POAS and nothing.....I've been doing both HPT and OPK just in case...and nothing. No AF, no LH surge, no positive HPT.

Does anyone have a clue what could be going on?

Of course my fear is maybe something did conceive but I don't have enough hormone for it to show up on an HPT and maybe I'm just waiting around for another miscarriage. Or maybe I didn't ovulate at all.
Or maybe the spotting was a period?

argh....frustrated.

Edited to add: FUCK THIS!!!! I just called in my prescription for BC pills. I'm taking progesterone for a week so I can have a period and then taking a few months off to get my cycle regulated again on BC. After that? we'll just have to see. I'll probably make an appt to see an RE and have them do the whole workup.

Happy Baby Shower!

Here's to showering Antigone with well wishes and a safe delivery of Perseus!!
We all love you and are hoping for the best!

Drop by her blog, or leave a comment on Yummy's host site or post this graphic on yours and leave her the gift of good thoughts today as she approaches the due date.

Leave it to me to break out the liquer! Have some champagne!


and of course some Martinelli's for the preggos!


oh and Tash has a lovely party game and there's cake at Yummy's place. Who's in?

Friends, DB mamas, bloggers , lend me your addresses..

In light of the fact that I have no IRL anymore since the playgroup incident, and I like all of you much better anyhow, I'd like to send you a holiday card!

Please send me an email with your address and I will send you some holiday cheer....well, maybe "wishing" you cheer?
Cheer just doesn't sound right.
On second thought maybe I should skip the cards and send Vodka...

A Little Variety to My Workout Routine..

I don't know if I posted about it, but I gave up my fancy gym membership in September and opted to by an Elliptical. I love the machine, it allows me to increase and decrease the resistance and incline. I have been using it pretty regularly, about 5-6 times per week, and it is so convenient. I now don't have to miss out on quality time with Dh in the evenings because we can watch our shows while I work out.

But I've been thinking I need to add some strength training to replace the Pillat.es Refo.rmer machine I used to work out on at the gym. So I bought this NY Ba.llet DVD and I think it is actually a DVD I can stick to. It has the floor work I love when I take dance classes, plus some abdominal work and stretching. I did part of it tonight for about 45 min after my 30 min of cardio on the ellipital and felt good. Dancing feeds my soul. I hope maybe by integrating this into my routine 3-4 times a week, I will not only tone and strengthen, but feel a little better too.

Here's hoping anyways...