...

My son's birthday is Friday. We are planning a party for Saturday. Everyone is invited. Many are coming.

I wish.....


I wish we could plan a party for Jessica. I wish we could invite everyone to come and remember. I wish I could force them to remember.

Oh fuck..

May is sad. And each day closer to May fills me with much anxiety. I picture the word, MAY in capital letters, popping out of a calendar to crush me...

It is the month last year I was very pregnant at my son's birthday party. Sitting there, thinking "it won't be long now"
It is the month .....
It is mother's day.
Fuck, Mother's Day.

May...

What am I going to do?
I'm just anxious about the coming month...how am I going to make it through? How can I stay sane, go through the motions, make it through class without crying....

And it's not enough to worry about getting through a day or two...no, with my son's b-day, J's b/d-day, AND Mother's day?

Just how? Just how I will I do this?


but I will.....I know it is going to happen.....we always make it through somehow...

I just don't know how.

you know? Just FUCK THIS!!!

Hope...

They say it's good to label emotions as they come to you and today, I am feeling hopeful.
I can almost imagine being pregnant again, and feeling happy about it.
The next couple of days will be the last few little pills that will end the control over the regime keeping my cycle in check.

Ideally, I guess, I will have 2-3 cycles before TTC.
When I talked with my doctor last about this, she said when we do decide to TTC,after 2-3 natural cycles to make sure my body is producing the natural hormones to stay pregnant and support pregnancy, to just go about it naturally for a few months to see what happens. She said not to touch the pee sticks or the kits, or the thermometer, or chart, because I will stress myself out and go crazy.

I thought she was crazy at the time, but now, I am just in a place where if it is meant to be, it will be meant to be.
She said if after 6 months of that, and no result, then we could do tests if I liked, but that she didn't think I would have a problem getting pg.
Both pregnancies before happened that way, just came to us when it was time, so why not this? And so I will take my doctor's advice after all.

This will be an exercise in patience. And if, among so many things, I have learned through this process of being a mother to a living and an angel child, is patience.
Something happened around the 10 month mark (after the awful 9 month mark) that just clicked. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Everything leading up to this point has happened regardless of my wanting it to, or not wanting it to. It just happened.
Life is to be lived, to be experienced, to be cherished. I don't have the answers and now, I no longer seek the answers. The answers will eventually present themselves.

Things are so clear.

I feel like once I stopped trying to figure everything thing out (which is maddness, by the way) and just went along, it is only there where there was peace.
I have no control over the events to come....and honestly, I never did.

To live is to go through hardship because the act of loving something or someone will ultimately at times, lead to hardship and disappointment. But how joyous it is to love...however brief. Even now, my tears well up in my eyes with that statement. I feel so glad to have known her, even if only for a brief 9 months. To feel her, to love her with all my heart in the way that mothers do.
It is so hard to say goodbye, but we have the memories, and the love. The love will never leave our hearts.

Jessica, I am so thankful to have known you, and loved you. Thank you for that opportunity, I am eternally grateful. So many things you have shown me. But mostly how love never dies, even when people pass. Love remains. Thank you my darling

And just that I feel I have made peace with the past, I feel I have also made peace with the future. I hope to be pregnant again. I hope to bring home a baby. It is my hope, but I know this is not guaranteed.

I now understand why peace and love and hope go hand in hand. I'm not entirely sure how I came to this place, or even how to exist in this garden of love, but I know that life goes on, because love does. So I'll trust love with all my heart.......all of it.

Lost...

These lyrics get to me.... listen closely if you dare

Of course...

Seven babies of people I am somewhat close to IRL have been born happy and healthy since Jessica died.
Two more due in June, and one in July.
I have very little doubt that they will all end up with happy endings.
Because babies just don't die...
They just don't...

Memories...

After a bulk of grief work has been done, the letting go of what was and what could have been, what's left is a blanket of emotions.
The blanket is sometimes heavy, like it was yesterday when I saw a bench, and this morning, when the air was crisp and smelled of spring, when I realized what date it was this past weekend.
Filled with memories and the emotions connected with those memories. Memories of this time last year, when the seasons were changing, when the weather was starting to get warmer.
The memories wash over me and drench me in the happiness and the sadness.
I let them soak in. I take them at face value. There is no longing for the past, nor an impatientness for the future, just the sadness of the memories and how they came to be.
When the grief was raw, it was so complex. There were so many pieces and layers to it that one could not even begin to deconstruct it.
But now, 11 months later, the grief seems to have become rather simplistic.
What's left are just memories and emotion elicited from the memories.
I guess the final stage would be when the memories no longer make me sad...
But if I don't get there for awhile, or ever, I'm perfectly content to stay here, where the grief is simple and I still remember.....I still remember her.

Makes You Think....

Background noise...

In the background today:
baby...deadbaby.....pregnant once....pregnant again sometime? .....baby.....deadbaby...pregnant once.....pregnant again sometime...?

It's just background noise. Remembrance. Not really emotions attached to it.

How will the one year anniversary be next month? What will I/we do?

Life was once effortless, little did I know..