Eye Meme.

Since all the cool kids are doing it, here's my eye. I would say my eyes are sort of a turquoise blue with little gold flecks.
Thanks Niobe!

What color are yours?

Gawk!

Crap, I'm stupid. For some reason I was thinking day 10 was monday, but it will actually be day 14. I don't know why I thought 5 days after the 5 days of cl.m.d would be day 10.
5 and 5 make 10, right? What an idiot. I've probably totally screwed this up.

Edited to add: this was supposed to be my baseline bloodwork

Finding my way again.

I feel I am finding my way again. I am feeling more like 'myself' and being content. This is good. I never really know for sure when I have my depression spells (as I like to call them, or grief) how far I will go into it and when/if I will get out of it. Coming back from such a great high weekend really sent me crashing when I returned to reality. When I returned it was still raining, my weight was 2 lbs more, my baby was still dead, and I still wasn't pregnant. And it all weighed heavily down on me for a bit. I think what bothered me the most was that it was nearly two years and I felt like my life had not progressed in that time. I still have that fleeting thought sometimes.

But then Tuesday the sun came out, I went back, for the most part, on my diet, and got on my elliptical. For me, when I just force myself to get moving again, I instantly feel better. And cutting out most of the carbs helps me too. I think carbs maybe depress me in some way or another.

My cousin from the midwest was in SF and she came over for lunch the day we got back to see my mom and the rest of us. Even though I had already known about her miscarriage last summer through the grapevine, I was surprised at how open she was about everything. I wasn't expecting her to talk about how she went a year of doing OPKs and never getting a line. It was only through going to an acupuncturist/holistic medicine doctor that she got ovulating again. I wanted to tell her how we'd be trying and that I too had a miscarriage last summer, but for some reason, no words came out. I just sat there listening. And then the topic changed.

As for my cycle, well, AF came and luckily was done by the time the weekend arrived. I did the 5 days of 100mg Cl*m*d and will go in for the 10 day blookwork on Monday. So here I am again, just waiting to ovulate. What I am not liking about the Cl*m*d is that sometimes I feel some pressure in my ovaries. But it isn't a sharp pain or anything so I think I'm ok. I wonder too if the medication also made me a little moodier/depressed. So I'm here waiting. Wanna wait with me?
My fingers are crossed maybe this month will be my cycle. But if not, it's just more of the same.....as usual.

Sun.

The sun has come out for three days now. I am happier, more active, eating healthy and feeling generally contented.

Now I hear the next storm is supposed to move in this weeks.....guess I'll just have to ride this high until then

Rain...

It has been raining since last Thursday. We need the rain, or so they say, but the weather is not helping my mood improve. Yesterday I sat around in my pajamas and tried not to fall asleep or burst out crying. Part of me is telling myself to "suck it up". Other people have been in much worse conditions. So when I feel like I'm going to cry, my thoughts say, "don't cry, it's not fair". I'm not really sure who it is not fair to. In the moment, I am thinking about my son and Dh. It's not fair to them that I am down. It's not fair to them that I don't want to do anything. And so I peel myself out of my chair and make dinner, or play, or do the dishes. It is effort. I have very little motivation. I'm tired, I want to eat my emotions, I want to sit in my chair and do as little as possible, counting down the hours until it is a reasonable time for bed. It's not that I even feel classically 'sad'. I'm not thinking about anything sad, or feeling deep sorrow. I'm just down. It is a low that lulls throughout the day, progressively weighing me down. I don't think I could cry even if I wanted to. It's not sad, just a funk.

I was grateful I had to get up and go to work today. I was glad I had a reason to get up and be productive even though everything around me is doom and gloom; the drama of layoffs and unpassed budgets, the down economy, the rain. I want a fix. But as of this weekend, I have maxed out my caffeine and wine intake to where neither work anymore. I haven't been dancing either since classes where canceled for President's day and Lincoln's birthday. I hate this new side of me. I hate that part of me will always be in this place, the place of eternal mourning of the daughter and the life I thought I had.

It will get better, I know. I am hoping for the sun tomorrow. I know the sun will help significantly. I know I need to redirect. I need to focus my energies on something, but I'm not quite sure what that is.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. No matter how I try and alter my path, I keep going in circles.

I still have hope though, and I am hoping tomorrow is different.

Back.

We're back from our trip and I should feel refreshed. I had a wonderful time with wonderful food, an oceanfront room, plenty of wine, gourmet breakfasts and a jacuzzi, and yet I just can't help feeling like I am fighting back the tears.

The hours and days spent there with Dh was great, but I can't think about my anniversary, or Valentine's day without thinking about how pregnant I was when we got married. Pregnant and so hopeful for the little girl that was growing inside me. And now, I feel so broken and unhopeful. It just sucks.

I'm trying not to analyze it too much. I'm trying to ignore it. But the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was either take a nap, or curl up in a ball and cry. We had company so I couldn't do either. I hope I'm not falling into one of my spells, and I am fighting it, but in the end, I am not sure that I am in control of such things.

We'll see what tomorrow brings....if nothing good, then I am sorry that this place might be a bit of a downer for a bit.

Skipping Town..

It is Dh and I's anniversary so we are skipping town. See you all in a few days!

You'd think...

Got a call yesterday saying my pap was normal. It's funny how they will give you good results over the phone.

Also, AF came last night.

You'd think this would make me happy...

Falling in...

Stored deep in my memories of long ago, there was a place deep within the woods. I had always loved the woods after a rough rain and would often go walking just after a storm. The air would be crisp, leaves still filled with droplets, the ground soft and cool beneath my feet, crunching slightly as I crush the slick needles. But sometimes, when I would venture out, I'd find that place again. The place where the wood clears, encircled by the tall looming pines. The sun hits the top of the trees for an instant in glittering splendor. I am temporarily paralized by it's beauty; my feet stop dead in a moment of stillness. I am blinded, if only for an moment, enraptured by the warmth. When my consciousness resumes I venture forward, placing one foot ahead. But something is not right as I take the step. The earth is too saturated with the dampness. I slip uncontrollably. But instead of falling to the ground, I fall through the forest floor. Falling, falling, as if in slow motion, into the darkness.

I land there, at the bottom with an aching, sickening thud. I look around, the darkness threatening to engulf me. I go to scream, but it chokes me. I can see the faint light at the top, but it is laughing at me. I find my voice and scream, but not in fear, in anger. I have been here before. I have slept here, helpless in the darkness, fearing every sound or screech in the night. I have clawed the walls until my nails were dull and muddy, desperately trying to get out. I have prayed on my knees, begging, pleading for mercy. I have sat in the solitude until it plucked away at my sanity. I have cried ceaselessly, until tears could no longer be formed. I have ached with emptiness, until the hunger threatened to consume me inside out. I have replayed every memory, searching for a wrong turn but never finding an answer.

I never know how I find my way out of that pit in the woods. Sometimes, it is simply like waking from a dream. But often upon waking up in my own bed to the light and warmth through the window, I wonder which is the dream, and which is the reality...

Mystery solved...

My own experiment resulted in just a super sensitive batch of OPKs. I'm sure AF is just around corner

New Day..

It's a new day and the start of a new week.
After all the crap (car,job, A being sick) that happened last week, I am ready to move on.
All we can hope for is better, right?

So here goes..

No thanks...

I found out yesterday that a friend is pregnant again. She already has two and it was my understanding (as of two weeks ago) that "they" were not planning on having anymore. He even gave her a puppy six months ago because he said no to a baby. She is not exactly a hands-on mum and spends most days on the computer while her children play in the house all day. I have always felt that she had 'trapped' her husband by getting pregnant and part of me just senses this manipulative nature.
Somehow I knew.
Every time her husband puts the pressure on her to grow up and get a job, she gets pregnant. So I knew, when he had gotten her this job she was going to start, that she would somehow manage to get pregnant to get out of it. I even suspected, as he was telling us all about this job she would do, that she was pregnant right then. I think it was the mischievous way her eyes sparkled just then. Or maybe it was the surprising and unexpected excitement she tried to convey as she was talking about the job.
I shouldn't have been surprised when Dh got the phone call that announced her 6 week pregnancy. And I wasn't. Just a little angry.

And the neighbor who has already f#$ked up her own two kids, now has an 11 year old foster kid.

Seriously, because the world is that screwed up.

Plan of Attack.

I really like my OB/Gyn. She was ready to write the referral last appointment, but since the analyst said it would likely be turned down by the insurance, we are pushing forward with the Cl.m.d test this cycle. If I don't respond, then that is more evidence for the referral. She is testing and doing the things I wanted the RE to do anyways. I have read up and done my research, so I feel confident in this course of action. I have a few more months before I really want to "try" to get pregnant because with layoffs in our district, and me at the bottom of the senority chain, the more I can time it with little leave, the better. But we'll see. So I am not stressing at this point and just taking things in stride.

In the meantime, my goals are to get back onto a uber-healthy lifestyle. I have gone back on the sou.th.beach diet today. I want to lose ten pounds. I also want to get back to working out every day. The past couple of weeks I have started a dance class three times per week through the local com.munity coll.ege. Now I just need to do my elliptical, walks or a DVD the other days. All three times I got pregnant was right after I had just dropped some weight. I know my body will respond to this. Also, all the research says losing weight, no matter how small, can boost fertility.

I feel I am staying positive with things happening in my life. I am staying in the present and feeling hopeful toward the future. I am especially looking forward to Dh and I's weekend away. We are going to a B&B by the sea in a couple of weeks. The room has a private balcony looking over the ocean, a fireplace and a jacuzzi. If we only leave the room to eat once a day, I'll be a happy camper.

I am pushing forward. I am not putting my life on hold anymore. I say that I am working on these "projects". Projects without deadlines; getting pregnant, getting healthy, working toward a new career, baby, meditating. For awhile, I would not make plans because I "might" be pregnant, or was trying to get pregnant, etc. I'm not doing that anymore. I can't do that anymore. Pushing forward feels good. I feel in control; not of my life, but in control of me.