Follow-up colp looked good. nothing 'lit' up with the vinegar. She seemed pleased and asked if I had amped up my vitamins. Yep.
All the bloodwork I had done last week came back perfectly normal. (PCOS panel, testosterone, estrogen, FSH, TSH, DHEA, blook platelets, prolactin....blah blah). All those vials...
So there you go. I'm normal, apparently.
Remind me again why I don't have a baby?
Heh.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I am NOT a baby person.
My counsin-in law had her baby last week. I was over at her mother's house today and she was basically showing me pictures and saying, "oh, they just left, but they will be back in bit, so you'll probably see them". Like I have to pay homage to the new baby?
NO THANKS!!!!
Even before I became a db mom and was pregnant with A I didn't like other people's babies. For whatever reason, Dh's family and friends would thrust the slobbering things into my pregnant arms. I would then abruptly pass him on to Dh. Yick!
Of course, now we know it's worse.
There are exceptions though. MY babies. And my coworker's baby. And one of my friend's baby. I don't know why. I'm a baby discriminator I guess. You know how some people say, "all babies are cute"?. Well, I disagree. Most babies are NOT cute. They slobber and smell and stare at you with empty eyes.....and just look stupid.
In fact, when Dh and I were pregnant, my mother's reaction was, "but you don't even like kids!!". (of course she said the same thing when I told her I was becoming a teacher). And, as a general rule, she is correct.
So now you know my deep dark secret. I'm not a baby person. And if I don't offer to hold your baby, it's probably because I don't want to. But don't take it personally, you know.
(BTW, I left before said cousin in law could come back...HA! Escaped in the nick of time!)
NO THANKS!!!!
Even before I became a db mom and was pregnant with A I didn't like other people's babies. For whatever reason, Dh's family and friends would thrust the slobbering things into my pregnant arms. I would then abruptly pass him on to Dh. Yick!
Of course, now we know it's worse.
There are exceptions though. MY babies. And my coworker's baby. And one of my friend's baby. I don't know why. I'm a baby discriminator I guess. You know how some people say, "all babies are cute"?. Well, I disagree. Most babies are NOT cute. They slobber and smell and stare at you with empty eyes.....and just look stupid.
In fact, when Dh and I were pregnant, my mother's reaction was, "but you don't even like kids!!". (of course she said the same thing when I told her I was becoming a teacher). And, as a general rule, she is correct.
So now you know my deep dark secret. I'm not a baby person. And if I don't offer to hold your baby, it's probably because I don't want to. But don't take it personally, you know.
(BTW, I left before said cousin in law could come back...HA! Escaped in the nick of time!)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I'm a little insane..
Each morning, I wake up and think about POASing, then force myself to go pee so I'll miss FMU.
I guess I'm playing mind control games with myself. So far, it's working...I think
Maybe I'm just slowly going a little insane
What's your favorite mind game?
I guess I'm playing mind control games with myself. So far, it's working...I think
Maybe I'm just slowly going a little insane
What's your favorite mind game?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Far Cry...
The instructor for my son's music class is different than last semester. I actually used to know her because her son is the same age as mine and we used to do mommy and me swimming lessons together when our kids were in their first year.
Well, now, she has three kids.
The youngest is 4 months old and was apparently a surprise. So in less than 4 years she has had 3 living breathing children.
She is all happy, smiley and sleep deprived.
While I am.....yeah.... a far cry from that I suppose.
She has no idea how different our lives have been over the past three years.
Well, now, she has three kids.
The youngest is 4 months old and was apparently a surprise. So in less than 4 years she has had 3 living breathing children.
She is all happy, smiley and sleep deprived.
While I am.....yeah.... a far cry from that I suppose.
She has no idea how different our lives have been over the past three years.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Puzzles..
I officially didn't get into the class I was trying to get into. I need 3 prerequisite classes before I can start applying for nursing programs. The good news is that I will try and take this class in the summer. The funny thing is that I have a reunion to go to this summer and we already booked our flights. At the time, I was potentially thinking about teaching summer school again this year so we made our vacation plans to coincide with that. Well, the summer school class I want to take starts the exact same day as our summer school that I decided not to be teaching. How's that for timing?
Also, a few days ago I got approached to teach a Chem class that would start evenings in March. Initially I would not have been able to take the position, but since I didn't get into the class, I would be able to. Not only that, but taking on a chem class (since I currently teach earth and bio), would make me more versatile for a placement next year if a transfer comes up or if they decide to cut my current position. What's that about the doors closing and others opening?
I'm hoping there is a reason that things worked out the way they did and maybe I'll be pregnant by summer....gosh I hope.
I'm beginning to think that "life is what you make it" doesn't mean what I initially thought it did. I can try and make it the way I want, but in the end, I am waiting. I have an idea how maybe the puzzle pieces will fit, but we'll see.
Maybe I will be able to get what I want, but not the timing I want.
Okay, enough philosophical randomness I've bored you with.
Also, a few days ago I got approached to teach a Chem class that would start evenings in March. Initially I would not have been able to take the position, but since I didn't get into the class, I would be able to. Not only that, but taking on a chem class (since I currently teach earth and bio), would make me more versatile for a placement next year if a transfer comes up or if they decide to cut my current position. What's that about the doors closing and others opening?
I'm hoping there is a reason that things worked out the way they did and maybe I'll be pregnant by summer....gosh I hope.
I'm beginning to think that "life is what you make it" doesn't mean what I initially thought it did. I can try and make it the way I want, but in the end, I am waiting. I have an idea how maybe the puzzle pieces will fit, but we'll see.
Maybe I will be able to get what I want, but not the timing I want.
Okay, enough philosophical randomness I've bored you with.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Up in the air..
I'm still here. There is so much up in the air right now I feel like I'm in a constant state of limbo.
Some of this will sort itself out in the next few weeks, some not for months.
I'm just hanging in there. Trying to get the energy to keep jumping through those hoops.
I alternate between being agitated and being calm. The calm comes from reciting "We'll see. I don't have control over this". Sometimes I say it in my head. Sometimes I say it aloud.
I am grateful to have options. Where there is no plan A, I have a B and a C. My life could be very different a year from now, or it could be the same, or somewhere in between. But I have a loving husband, cuddly preschooler, roof over my head, food in my tummy, family and not too hard of a life when you compare it to others.
I am practicing patience. One deep in, 1, 2, 3, let it out slowly. Picture what you have and feel your heart get full and warm. Picture what you want and try to imagine yourself with that and try and feel the same feeling. Without hope there is no future. My hope has changed from the eager desperateness and because it has been 'broken' by so many things, it has returned strong, steady and calm.
Trying to balance the control I have in my mind, with the raw emotions that come. I'm keeping them in check. Waiting to see what will transpire and which pieces of the puzzle with fall into place at that last moment.
Some of this will sort itself out in the next few weeks, some not for months.
I'm just hanging in there. Trying to get the energy to keep jumping through those hoops.
I alternate between being agitated and being calm. The calm comes from reciting "We'll see. I don't have control over this". Sometimes I say it in my head. Sometimes I say it aloud.
I am grateful to have options. Where there is no plan A, I have a B and a C. My life could be very different a year from now, or it could be the same, or somewhere in between. But I have a loving husband, cuddly preschooler, roof over my head, food in my tummy, family and not too hard of a life when you compare it to others.
I am practicing patience. One deep in, 1, 2, 3, let it out slowly. Picture what you have and feel your heart get full and warm. Picture what you want and try to imagine yourself with that and try and feel the same feeling. Without hope there is no future. My hope has changed from the eager desperateness and because it has been 'broken' by so many things, it has returned strong, steady and calm.
Trying to balance the control I have in my mind, with the raw emotions that come. I'm keeping them in check. Waiting to see what will transpire and which pieces of the puzzle with fall into place at that last moment.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Appointment...
I had my appointment today with my OB/GYN. She wanted to do a followup colp and pap. I didn't want to skew the results since I just ovulated last night and it's possible to have a higher percentage of the faster growing cells. So I rescheduled for next week.
What DID result was a good conversation about my next steps. She agreed to write the referral if that was was I wanted but also said it was likely to get rejected since she can do a lot of the preliminary stuff in her office. She ordered bloodwork (testing for the PCOS panel, FSH, and Esterodial). We are going to try a Cl.m.d trial next month to see if that will induce me to ovulate. So there you go. She did reiterate that "we know you can get pregnant" and it was just about the timing. And she's right. She also said that the reason I probably got pregnant on the pill was because I was on a triphasic one and since I ovulate late when the bulk of the hormones are in the first half of the cycle, I probably ovulated just as the hormones were getting to the lower doses. Which makes perfect sense. She said normally if they know a patient has anovulatory cycles or ovulates late, they put them on a monophasic pill. I gave her all my charts and she said she will look at them more.
Overall, I think it went well. I am getting what I want and if I need more, she will write the referral and hope that my HMO doesn't reject it because of my young age and history of past successful and almost successful pregnancies. At least, I feel I am being proactive, which is a lot.
Through this process of being a db mom, I am realizing how patient I am becoming. How I know I have little control over some things and so I must be patient.
And so here I wait.
What DID result was a good conversation about my next steps. She agreed to write the referral if that was was I wanted but also said it was likely to get rejected since she can do a lot of the preliminary stuff in her office. She ordered bloodwork (testing for the PCOS panel, FSH, and Esterodial). We are going to try a Cl.m.d trial next month to see if that will induce me to ovulate. So there you go. She did reiterate that "we know you can get pregnant" and it was just about the timing. And she's right. She also said that the reason I probably got pregnant on the pill was because I was on a triphasic one and since I ovulate late when the bulk of the hormones are in the first half of the cycle, I probably ovulated just as the hormones were getting to the lower doses. Which makes perfect sense. She said normally if they know a patient has anovulatory cycles or ovulates late, they put them on a monophasic pill. I gave her all my charts and she said she will look at them more.
Overall, I think it went well. I am getting what I want and if I need more, she will write the referral and hope that my HMO doesn't reject it because of my young age and history of past successful and almost successful pregnancies. At least, I feel I am being proactive, which is a lot.
Through this process of being a db mom, I am realizing how patient I am becoming. How I know I have little control over some things and so I must be patient.
And so here I wait.
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Best I Can Do..
With my job, the class I want to get into, and of course baby up in there air, I am trying my best to just let it go. Do what I need to to fight, but to a point, letting it go.
I hate that I waver between feeling like things are left to chance and then feeling like it just wasn't my destiny.
I am doing what I can do about these things, but the rest is not up to me. I have to accept that. There is no point in worrying or stressing about something I don't have any control over.
So I'm doing my best.
I hate that I waver between feeling like things are left to chance and then feeling like it just wasn't my destiny.
I am doing what I can do about these things, but the rest is not up to me. I have to accept that. There is no point in worrying or stressing about something I don't have any control over.
So I'm doing my best.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Not envious...
I just learned today that one of our students is leaving us because she is 5 months pregnant.
Do I envy her or am I jealous?
Nope, not even in the slightest.
Of all the things I could have written in her goodbye card I wrote,
"I wish you the best of luck in all you decide to pursue".
That's about all I've got.
Do I envy her or am I jealous?
Nope, not even in the slightest.
Of all the things I could have written in her goodbye card I wrote,
"I wish you the best of luck in all you decide to pursue".
That's about all I've got.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Sun Has Come Out..
We have been having unseasonable warm (in the 70F/20 C range)weather and incredibly springlike. I can only assume this has to do with the global warming which will cause the snow pack to melt and CA to fall into a drought. (See? I'm a glass equivalent girl) And while everyone is out there enjoying the sunshine in their sunglasses, flipflops and shorts, I am ready to have an anxiety attack. I am not ready for spring. I am not ready for summer. I wanted to be in another place, to have accomplished more by the time the sun stays longer and higher in the day.
Then I read this on msfitzita's blog
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
Saint Theresa's Prayer
The second line gets me the most. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I have been mulling that over for two days now. That, and a good friend said to me a day or two ago, "Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy". So here I am. Doing what I am supposed to be doing. Right where I am supposed to be doing it.
Maybe I will bask in the strangely warm sunshine a bit.
(PS Thank you for all your comments. I am going in Monday, charts in hand! To the battleground I go armed and ready!)
Then I read this on msfitzita's blog
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.
Saint Theresa's Prayer
The second line gets me the most. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I have been mulling that over for two days now. That, and a good friend said to me a day or two ago, "Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy". So here I am. Doing what I am supposed to be doing. Right where I am supposed to be doing it.
Maybe I will bask in the strangely warm sunshine a bit.
(PS Thank you for all your comments. I am going in Monday, charts in hand! To the battleground I go armed and ready!)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Assvice Requested....and Vent
I just heard by from my wonderful Doc and she insisted that 'by definition' I am not infertile because I managed to get pregnant last May, even though it ended in M/C.
I told her about my irregular periods. She wanted to do some tests first. I reminded her that I had already had my thyroid tested, progesterone last time after having this problem after J. I told her I've always had irregular cycles.She said, 'Well, they're just going to put you on progesterone'.
I said, "No, why would they do that?" Once I ovulate, it's like clockwork 14 days later AF shows up, demonstrating it's not a progesterone problem. She asked how I know this. I said I've been temping (little fib) and doing OPKs and my fertility monitor.
Fuck. Why is this so hard. She then said, "Well, you know once you go to a specialist, you are going to stress out about getting pregnant more". (No, not doing anything and wondering what the hell is wrong with me would stress me out more)
She said, "well, it hasn't yet been a year". I said, it has since we've been trying. She said, but you don't have a problem getting pregnant. I reminded her that both with my son and daughter I was on the pill when I got pregnant..not normal.
Since when is having a period every other month normal?
So she wants me to keep my appointment on the 19th (for a followup pap to the colp. last fall) and bring in my 'charts' so she can make a good case for the referral so it doesn't get rejected by the insurance.
I know she probably means well, but what about me?
I need to go in there with more arguments, so what should I say? What should I ask? If I'm not "Infertile" or whatever, what is my good cause for wanting to be referred?
And why do I have to fucking fight for everything?
*sigh* Can I cry now?
I told her about my irregular periods. She wanted to do some tests first. I reminded her that I had already had my thyroid tested, progesterone last time after having this problem after J. I told her I've always had irregular cycles.She said, 'Well, they're just going to put you on progesterone'.
I said, "No, why would they do that?" Once I ovulate, it's like clockwork 14 days later AF shows up, demonstrating it's not a progesterone problem. She asked how I know this. I said I've been temping (little fib) and doing OPKs and my fertility monitor.
Fuck. Why is this so hard. She then said, "Well, you know once you go to a specialist, you are going to stress out about getting pregnant more". (No, not doing anything and wondering what the hell is wrong with me would stress me out more)
She said, "well, it hasn't yet been a year". I said, it has since we've been trying. She said, but you don't have a problem getting pregnant. I reminded her that both with my son and daughter I was on the pill when I got pregnant..not normal.
Since when is having a period every other month normal?
So she wants me to keep my appointment on the 19th (for a followup pap to the colp. last fall) and bring in my 'charts' so she can make a good case for the referral so it doesn't get rejected by the insurance.
I know she probably means well, but what about me?
I need to go in there with more arguments, so what should I say? What should I ask? If I'm not "Infertile" or whatever, what is my good cause for wanting to be referred?
And why do I have to fucking fight for everything?
*sigh* Can I cry now?
Time Limit..?
I left a message for the doctor on Thursday afternoon and still haven't heard back about the referral. I hope I'm not being given the run-around. I think she might argue I don't have a problem, but we'll see. I guess maybe I'll put another call in on Monday. I hope this doesn't warrant an actual 'appointment' to get the referral.
Where did this weekend go?
Is it wrong that I don't want to go to work on Monday?
Where did this weekend go?
Is it wrong that I don't want to go to work on Monday?
Friday, January 9, 2009
well, good news...
I figured out that we are covered for infertility....
now to get that referral from my OB/GYN..
now to get that referral from my OB/GYN..
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Just Keeps Getting Better....not!
They are rioting in Oakland.
Our Govern-ator wants to cut education again, including the proposal to only require 1 instead of 2 science classes.
It has actually been proposed to our school board to drop our alternative program all together.
And A got into a fight of sorts at school and was sent home.
Worst Case Senario in my head right now:
My job gets cut but doesn't matter because A isn't able to go to school.
Not So Worst Case Senario: My job get cut, but doesn't matter because I will have to take half the school year off anyways because I'll be preggo.
Best Case Senario: I keep my job, I get preggo, A gets along in school.
So I guess the worst case senario should be: I lose my job, A gets kicked out of school, and I don't get pregnant.
How's that?
And the riots, well, it's just depressing since we use that modality of public transportation often and they were already struggling to make ends meet.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Edited to Add: My dishwasher is also broken and seems to spew water all over the floor
Our Govern-ator wants to cut education again, including the proposal to only require 1 instead of 2 science classes.
It has actually been proposed to our school board to drop our alternative program all together.
And A got into a fight of sorts at school and was sent home.
Worst Case Senario in my head right now:
My job gets cut but doesn't matter because A isn't able to go to school.
Not So Worst Case Senario: My job get cut, but doesn't matter because I will have to take half the school year off anyways because I'll be preggo.
Best Case Senario: I keep my job, I get preggo, A gets along in school.
So I guess the worst case senario should be: I lose my job, A gets kicked out of school, and I don't get pregnant.
How's that?
And the riots, well, it's just depressing since we use that modality of public transportation often and they were already struggling to make ends meet.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Edited to Add: My dishwasher is also broken and seems to spew water all over the floor
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
WHy...?
Why do people invite me to their baby showers?
Why do I click on their registries and look through them longingly?
I guess because I still do want one wriggling in my arms.
I suppose there is still some hope
Why do I click on their registries and look through them longingly?
I guess because I still do want one wriggling in my arms.
I suppose there is still some hope
Monday, January 5, 2009
Blocked ...and Waiting.
I just can't conjure up a post in my head. There has not been many thoughts in or out. It is like my mind is at a standstill. Waiting for something to happen, good or bad. Waiting to see whether I should throw hope into this year or just bide my time.
I'm at a standstill.
It's not a completely horrible place to be in. I am going about my days doing things. Just plugging along. But emotionally, I just can't. You know? I just can't either way.
So I'm counting the moments I have with the ones I love and making them count. If this is it, I think I can be content. Maybe that's what I'm on the verge of. Maybe after you are broken, and despaired, and no longer really have enough emotion to conjure up desire, maybe that is where contentment lies.
Contentment with my family, friends, job. Not wanting more. Appreciating not having less.
Is that it? Is that what "being content" means?
About 9 months ago I had lunch with my friend who had one living daughter and several failed IVF cycles, and several miscarriages in the 1st and 2nd trimesters. She spoke to me about how happy she is that she has her daughter- that she would be content with just her. I didn't understand how she could not want more, but now I think I do.
Maybe we get to a point where we cannot 'want' anymore. Maybe we accept that this may be it and then we can find contentment.
I don't really know. But I do know I haven't much hope nor despair or wanting.
And so I wait...what will 2009 bring? I can't even speculate.
I'm at a standstill.
It's not a completely horrible place to be in. I am going about my days doing things. Just plugging along. But emotionally, I just can't. You know? I just can't either way.
So I'm counting the moments I have with the ones I love and making them count. If this is it, I think I can be content. Maybe that's what I'm on the verge of. Maybe after you are broken, and despaired, and no longer really have enough emotion to conjure up desire, maybe that is where contentment lies.
Contentment with my family, friends, job. Not wanting more. Appreciating not having less.
Is that it? Is that what "being content" means?
About 9 months ago I had lunch with my friend who had one living daughter and several failed IVF cycles, and several miscarriages in the 1st and 2nd trimesters. She spoke to me about how happy she is that she has her daughter- that she would be content with just her. I didn't understand how she could not want more, but now I think I do.
Maybe we get to a point where we cannot 'want' anymore. Maybe we accept that this may be it and then we can find contentment.
I don't really know. But I do know I haven't much hope nor despair or wanting.
And so I wait...what will 2009 bring? I can't even speculate.
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