Of course I am missing my baby but in reading other new babylost blogs, I miss the grief. I know it may sound strange but that first year I felt like every day I would think of her, see her spirit in the garden, do something to tribute to her. But as I got further and further away in time from those days, so did she get further away from me.
The intense grief kept me close to her.
I guess if I think back to the books that I have read, my grief is now 'resolved'. It is resolved in a sense that of course I will always feel sad and be missing her, but it is in a way that is at peace with the rest of me. I can still remember her face and remember her smell and remember the way I felt but it is in a way where it doesn't physically tear apart at my being.
How did I get to this place? I never thought I would.
My mother has been asking about 'Mother's day' this year (May 10th in the states). Because Jessica died the day before Mother's day and I delivered her on Mother's day(May 13 that year), we haven't celebrated for obvious reasons. But maybe this year, just maybe, I might be able to resume our tradition of going to Mother's Day brunch.
But even thinking that I might actually want to do this seems weird.
Not only that, but I have been making friends with a small tot. I even let him hug me. I even smiled at him.
This place feels weird. If people didn't know me 2 years ago, they would never guess that I have a dead baby...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
State of Mind..
I've been thinking a lot lately. I have this student, the one I busted over the summer. During the summer, he proved he was smart and didn't really pose a behavior issue (other than bringing pot to school of course). He was able to sit, to focus, to do work, take tests, etc. I now have had him all this year and he is a different person. He cannot sit still or stop talking; he has real ADHD. When he takes his medication (which is rarely) he is sleepy all day and doesn't do anything. I asked him the other day why he was so different during summer school. You know his response? Because he was stoned all summer. But then of course I busted him and now he has to stay clean because he's on probation.
I have always taken a harsh stance against the usage of pot because of my own experiences growing up. My dad was a pot head. He would spend hours in his private room smoking. Sometimes he would come in to yell at us. My mother lived in constant fear that he would be busted and that she would go down with him because although not using, she was his wife and living with it. This is why I have never wanted to even try it, not even a little.
But when I was in college I dated this lawyer who had adult onset ADD. True ADD. I'd watch him try and read over a brief or other legal documents for hours and not be able to do it. The way he combated it was that he got stoned. And when he was stoned, he could do his work. I knew that that relationship would go no where because I knew I could never be a with someone who smokes dope. But I honestly believed it helped him to focus. I saw him transform.
So when I asked my student that question, and heard his answer I knew it was not an excuse. I knew that it was the truth because I had seen it for my own eyes.
Which got me thinking about black and white. Drugs are bad, but maybe they can help a few. Maybe things aren't right or wrong, black or white, crystal clear.
Which got me thinking about Jessica and death. When I was early on in the grief process she was gone. She was dead. Death was final. But you cannot tell me now that death is final because I feel and sense her in everything I do. Not as some ghost or memory, but how I respond to situations, how I empathize, how I have become stronger. She is no longer, but she has made me the person I am. You cannot tell me death is final, how can it be when she is woven into every aspect of myself?
Things may not be black and white. I embrace the grayness because it makes me whole.
I am stronger because of the gray. I see what I have to live for. Death has shown me how to live. Although I still have my moments when those tiny holes in my heart start to bleed, overall, I am living my life to the fullest because they are there. We all have a death sentence, I have to make the most of it, however long or however short. I know she did. She must have.
I have always taken a harsh stance against the usage of pot because of my own experiences growing up. My dad was a pot head. He would spend hours in his private room smoking. Sometimes he would come in to yell at us. My mother lived in constant fear that he would be busted and that she would go down with him because although not using, she was his wife and living with it. This is why I have never wanted to even try it, not even a little.
But when I was in college I dated this lawyer who had adult onset ADD. True ADD. I'd watch him try and read over a brief or other legal documents for hours and not be able to do it. The way he combated it was that he got stoned. And when he was stoned, he could do his work. I knew that that relationship would go no where because I knew I could never be a with someone who smokes dope. But I honestly believed it helped him to focus. I saw him transform.
So when I asked my student that question, and heard his answer I knew it was not an excuse. I knew that it was the truth because I had seen it for my own eyes.
Which got me thinking about black and white. Drugs are bad, but maybe they can help a few. Maybe things aren't right or wrong, black or white, crystal clear.
Which got me thinking about Jessica and death. When I was early on in the grief process she was gone. She was dead. Death was final. But you cannot tell me now that death is final because I feel and sense her in everything I do. Not as some ghost or memory, but how I respond to situations, how I empathize, how I have become stronger. She is no longer, but she has made me the person I am. You cannot tell me death is final, how can it be when she is woven into every aspect of myself?
Things may not be black and white. I embrace the grayness because it makes me whole.
I am stronger because of the gray. I see what I have to live for. Death has shown me how to live. Although I still have my moments when those tiny holes in my heart start to bleed, overall, I am living my life to the fullest because they are there. We all have a death sentence, I have to make the most of it, however long or however short. I know she did. She must have.
Monday, April 20, 2009
End of the Break..
As we are closing in on our TTC 'break' I am starting to freak out a little. I've enjoyed not regulating my pee with stick timeage, or trying to time intercourse, or worrying about what I ate or drank or checking TTC calendars, temping, feeling my hoohawhaw etc.
But the thing that freaks me out the most is, even if I DO get pregnant again, will I freak out the entire pregnancy? Will the whole thing be too stressful?
The worst part for me is that I had a flawless pregnancy. No genetic disorders or gestation diabetes, preclampsia, pre-term labor, infection etc...and still, my baby died inside me and there was nothing in the world I could have done to stop it. NOTHING
So if/when there is a next time, I will do everything as I did before, for 40 weeks as before (well maybe 38 this time) and worry the whole time.
While these thoughts were running through my head I had a huge voice speak up and say, "Maybe you just can't do it again. Maybe you are just not strong enough".
And then I thought "Why risk it? I have one healthy happy preschooler....why risk what is left of that fragile happiness?"
I can honestly say this is the first time I have had these doubts. I think part of it has to do with that it's been 2 long years of taking that little piece of my heart that was left, planting it, watching it slowly grow larger, feeling just a little bit of that happiness that I felt before. My heart has grown back to 2/3 of what it was. Why risk that? Why risk falling into that pit again?
A year ago when we were TTC I was more confident. I had little more to lose because I had lost so much. But now I feel I am more invested. I have more to lose because of all the nurturing of my tiny heart fragments I have done over two years.
It may be too much to lose at this point. These thoughts whirling around my head frighten me.
But the thing that freaks me out the most is, even if I DO get pregnant again, will I freak out the entire pregnancy? Will the whole thing be too stressful?
The worst part for me is that I had a flawless pregnancy. No genetic disorders or gestation diabetes, preclampsia, pre-term labor, infection etc...and still, my baby died inside me and there was nothing in the world I could have done to stop it. NOTHING
So if/when there is a next time, I will do everything as I did before, for 40 weeks as before (well maybe 38 this time) and worry the whole time.
While these thoughts were running through my head I had a huge voice speak up and say, "Maybe you just can't do it again. Maybe you are just not strong enough".
And then I thought "Why risk it? I have one healthy happy preschooler....why risk what is left of that fragile happiness?"
I can honestly say this is the first time I have had these doubts. I think part of it has to do with that it's been 2 long years of taking that little piece of my heart that was left, planting it, watching it slowly grow larger, feeling just a little bit of that happiness that I felt before. My heart has grown back to 2/3 of what it was. Why risk that? Why risk falling into that pit again?
A year ago when we were TTC I was more confident. I had little more to lose because I had lost so much. But now I feel I am more invested. I have more to lose because of all the nurturing of my tiny heart fragments I have done over two years.
It may be too much to lose at this point. These thoughts whirling around my head frighten me.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
More gifting..
I am wrapping another shower present for a baby shower I am not attending. This time I am mailing it....nevermind the fact that she lives three miles away....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Fuck it!
Fuck holidays and family gatherings with babies.
Just fuck it.
and Fuck this!
This feeling of saddness and being a freak amongst seemingly happy people--family, because you can never really escape them unless they are truly horrible.
Argh...I found my corner to cry in and retreated there when necessary. Still sucks though.. Jessica would have been almost two, hunting eggs and hugging the Easter bunny. I need only to look around for kids that would have been her age.
To lose a child is to lose a piece of your heart that you can never get back..
Fuck..
Just fuck it.
and Fuck this!
This feeling of saddness and being a freak amongst seemingly happy people--family, because you can never really escape them unless they are truly horrible.
Argh...I found my corner to cry in and retreated there when necessary. Still sucks though.. Jessica would have been almost two, hunting eggs and hugging the Easter bunny. I need only to look around for kids that would have been her age.
To lose a child is to lose a piece of your heart that you can never get back..
Fuck..
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Normal..
I am feeling oddly normal these days. Maybe it's just the BC pills regulating my hormones but things feel strangely complete. One dead baby, one live baby, one hubby, one house, one job...maybe it's all I need in life.
In other news SIL is going through with the surrogacy. I found out last night they started the shots. I guess in my naive little world, I thought people became surrogates out of kindness. Now I know it is what people do when they have three kids they can't support in an attempt to get out of the parents' house. Guess you learn new things every day.
In other news SIL is going through with the surrogacy. I found out last night they started the shots. I guess in my naive little world, I thought people became surrogates out of kindness. Now I know it is what people do when they have three kids they can't support in an attempt to get out of the parents' house. Guess you learn new things every day.
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