Letting go...

I have never done well with transition and this is no exception.
August seems so near, and yet indeed so far.
Do I let this 'cycle' go the wayside? I probably won't ovulate anyways.As seems to happen after things like this, or after any hormonal disruption. But do I give up hope? Will I have a long cycle? a short cycle?
I don't 'idle' well as my mother puts it.

Summer school has almost ended. We have four more days. Some things went down with a student last week. A student who I liked, but who made some bad choices. And I, unwaivering, had to turn him in. The result was him being escorted in handcuffs, mother trailing in tears. But I refuse to accept any blame for this. It was not my decision to make. I had no choice. There was no alternative in my mind. The choice was his, and he made the wrong one.

It's difficult. I am disappointed. He was making headway in my class. Doing well on assessments (which, I equate with actually paying attention in class and yes, 'learning'). He was so close to finishing--four days, and then let it slip through his fingers.

So much of life is striving for the things you want, then somehow having it slip through your fingers, only to be caught striving again, struggling again, having the same goal.

As he was sitting in the office waiting to be picked up, I could see in his eyes he was thinking "Where did I go wrong? Where did I screw it up? What was my mistake?".
Yes, there is a giant learning curve in this race we call life.
The Buddhists believe that we are here to learn. Every 'mistake' really a lesson. And if we do not learn from it, we will repeat the lesson.
And I seem to remember reading something in my high school history class about
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

So what is the lesson I keep screwing up? Where do I keep going wrong? I'm open, I'm receptive. But like I refuse to give the answers to the awaiting audience in my classroom, so do I know the answer will not be given to me. I can only hope I have learned enough....

The Snap.....

This week was surprisingly tough for me. The changing hormones definitely took their toll. On Thursday night I felt like I hit the wall. I was just so depressed. It's not even that I was depressed about any one thing or anything really. Even my vodka spritzer didn't take the edge off that night. I was just so sad.
But, I knew the hormones were making me cuckoo. And I knew I'd snap back into it. I just had to wait for the snap...
I feel like the snap is just around the corner. It was almost here today as I actually felt motivated to go to the gym. Maybe it will come tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will start to clean up the house, do laundry, make meals....everything I have always done, except not last week.
Last week I wasn't the best wife, or mother, or even person. All I can do is try to do better tomorrow....
Maybe tomorrow I'll just snap back into it.

Wasn't Going to Post about this ...but here goes

So I was pregnant for a few weeks.....6 weeks if you go from LMP. I was filled with joy and contentment. We hadn't even been 'trying' yet. We were going to start trying this month. I guess that plan has gone out the window.

See, last Thursday I had a 'freak out' moment. I was emotional for no reason and broke down and called my doctor to see if I could get an HCG test to see if the pregnancy was viable before I "got my hopes up". I had the sneaky suspicion I might be getting a yeast infection so that gave me an excuse to come in anyways, right? (I got one right before we found out we were pregnant last time too).
Friday morning came and I woke up and saw red. Not a lot, but red. I told Dh not to get his hopes up yet and then started crying.
By the afternoon, I had no more blood. But what was also lacking was the slight nausea throughout the day, the intense hunger and even the little 'pouch' I had become accustomed to.

At my appointment my Dr. congratulated me.....I told her she might want to hold off and told her why. She said none of the things I told her were immediate cause for concern and 'let's take a look'. I love her optimism. But I knew.....I knew I was no longer pregnant.
What I was not prepared to see on the Ultrasound was NOTHING. As in , there was absolutely NOTHING in my uterus. No sac, no fluid.......hollow, and empty (ironic really). Doc kept saying "it could just be really early". But again, I knew..
She ordered blood tests (HCG, progesterone,Thyroid, phosolipid, antibody...and a couple others).
I asked her what to expect if I am misscarrying (I have never had one that I know of). I asked her about the possibility of ectopic and reasons why we didn't see anything. I think she wanted to cling to the hope that it was just early. She wants my happy ending as much as I do, and I appreciate her for that.
She did say it could have been a blighted ovum (fertilized egg that doesn't implant properly or stops growing).

Saturday afternoon she called to give me the results of the blood work. My HCG levels were at 200 and progesterone low. She still said, it could just be early. But I knew it was the end. I asked her how long it would take. She said when the levels got down to 0, if that is what they were going to do, I would start having bleeding. All the other tests were well within normal, and really I was glad because I was slightly concerned about thyroid (since it runs in my family).

The rest of the weekend was spent waiting around to start bleeding. And yesterday it started, and today....I'm really crampy and it is in full swing. When I was pregnant, even before I got a BFP, I KNEW I was pregnant.....and consequently I KNEW when I was un-pregnant.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I think I am more pissed off at the fact that now I can't go through with my plan to start TTC this month and the fact that I gained 3 pounds through this whole ordeal (mostly due to the insatiable hunger).

It just wasn't meant to be. I cling to the hope that if I want it that much, it will happen eventually. My birthday is Wednesday..I'm still in my twenties...so that is something

The past two nights I have indulged (if that is what you can really call it) in margaritas and my new favorite low-carb drink of diet 7-up and vodka. Tonight, it's raspberry leaf tea, in hopes that it helps alleviate some of this darned cramping.
Bottom's UP!

*oh and co-worker's baby was born healthy last week, and so was my new niece. So I guess that is good news...

What I've Got...

Of course we must go after our dreams and want what we love,
But we MUST also love what we've got.
If things are meant to be, they will be. Some things just aren't.


List of things I've got
-my adorable son who I love to pieces
-loving husband, best friend
-friends who understand
-family who is there when you need them (both sides)
-flexible job which allows me to be a mother and a teacher without feeling like either is compromised
-house with a backyard (and garden)
-financial security/independence
-dancing....which will always be there
-good health
-dreams, hopes, goals.....
-belief in the impossible.

What's your list?

Motivation...

My pep talk today.....boy do I need it

"If you don't leap you can't fly
....just leap, jump....
jump...jump damnit! You have to!Just do it! FLY!!"

6 x 6 from GITW...

Meme via Glow in the Woods

1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
I think I can safely say that before my loss, I didn't really fear anything. I thought my life was pretty charmed. Now, I fear the loss of opportunity. It's not that I dread things are going to happen (except now I know they can happen to me), but I fear that if I don't do something today, there may not be a chance to do it tomorrow.

2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way? Yes, I think of her everyday. When I think of my son, she is there as his sister. When I think about the next pregnancy, it will be my third child. When people ask me if my son is our only child, even though I may not say it, in my head I think "no, I have two"

3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported. All the family and friends that came to the memorial (including my entire playgroup), all the moms in my playgroup also brought us dinner for months...it was so nice. They also made a donation in her name on the one year anniversary (without me saying anything about the date, they remembered!)
Also, my coworker who has been pregnant has been so sensitive and supportive of me, and not flaunting her pregnancy or joy in front of me. Also my boss, who is always thinking of me and caring about how I am feeling during anniversaries and holidays.

4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
The countless heartless phrases that people say to minimalize your loss. But also how my "best friend" was not there for me....in any way....

5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?

I think the hardest to do, not again, but just to do, is to let go of that idea that you have control over things that happen. Because you don't.

6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?

I think the main difference is that 'before' I was really easy going, and afterwards, I got more sensitive to the little things, became more nit-picky, less tolerant of unthoughtfulness. It's hard to work through.