Sums It Up, More Eloquent Than I

A Minor Bird

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;

Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if I could bear no more.

The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

Robert Frost

Mind-Body Connection

My body has figured out new ways to torture me. The latest being unmotivated, cramps, bloatedness (is that a word?), gas, slight nausea when I don't eat, some just after I do, backache, headache.
Basically the worst case of PMS I've had in awhile.
And of course in the back of my mind, I am hoping baby. But even I know that 8 DPO I wouldn't have symptoms.

And so I sit here depressed and tortured.


On a side note, who the hell goes baby clothes shopping when they are 10 weeks preggo?
Cousin in law of course with other cousin in law who is 17 weeks. What a nice bond they get to share, don't you think?... =(

ETA: My temp dropped today so I'm sure it's all over

riiiiiggggtttthhtttt....

2 newborns
2 preggos
1 big family gathering
yeah.......
I'm sloshed..
4 more days until POAS.

Here I am...

Ever so often I can feel the fog start to roll in. Not the refreshing cool fog that one relishes on the beach during childhood, while running in the sand, daring the fog to consume her, but the looming blanket that threatens to swallow you; suffocate you.

I am certain there are many things I should be sad about, but the saddest thing I can think of is that : here I am.

I feel the fog start to creep up. It starts one afternoon, only to recede upon waking the next morning. The next day again, it begins in the afternoon, this time threatening to cancel plans with friends. The third day, after everyone has left the house for the morning, it starts to beg, "Hey, remember me?"

Yes, indeed I remember you. I try and ignore you. I try to drown you. I try to run away from you. I try to rationalize you. There is no reason for you to be following me like a shadow, lurking in every step I take or mile I drive. I know eventually you will take heed and leave me alone for another day, but right now you are annoying me and I wish you gone.I wish I could squeeze you out with tears, and yet, I hardly have tears left.

But the saddest thing of all is that here I am, after all of this, and I know, it's not even remotely the end. There will be more hurt and despair; heartache.

If I could go back to those days when I dared the fog to catch me, I'd laugh at it. I'd spread my arms and open my mouth to it. It would be exhilarating.

But I cannot go back.
So here I am.

Wanting...

I am ready. And I know now, that I want a baby for all the right reasons. A new baby. A new warm, cuddly, screaming, nursing, wiggling baby.
Oh geez this is hard.
I know I should be thinking more about my own recent health things and working on getting that cleared up, or even worrying about school starting next week. But instead, I am daydreaming about baby. Baby girl. Baby boy. Both. ..
And holding my coworker's baby (I've made a couple of treks out there actually of my own accord) just affirms that I am ready.

Now we wait. *sigh*

uhmm....yeah

Apparently I'm supposed to be making this for lunch for my son....
yeah...
thought so

although this seems a little more do-able for me

Answer..

I removed the question mark from my title.

Funny..sort of

It's a little funny how I can't remember the time where I didn't
feel each twinge in my breast, and wonder....
feel dull cramps, and wonder..
feel a dull backache, and wonder...
POAS, look at it searching for the line, and wonder..
look for discharge after peeing, and wonder...
stare intently at discharge, the color, the texture, the amount, and wonder..
only to have each symptom vanish the next day or the next, no rhyme or reason really.

The more you 'know' the more things get confused and you are dumbfounded (excuse the pun) how more information is not making you any more informed.
The whole thing is a little funny, well, not 'haha' of course.


PS, I ever so slightly changed one element of my page....can you find it oh clever ones?

Morning for Me....

40 min of cardio on the elliptical
50 min of strength on the pil.ates re.former
15 min in steam room
20 min shower
1 hr shopping

...I'm momentarily feeling very at peace with the universe

Everyday different than the one before...

Thus far, this morning I have done everything I did yesterday. I woke up, took a shower, made breakfast, got A dressed, dressed myself, got out the door, dropped him off at preschool, went to the gym....

But somehow today, in all those moments, the memories crept in. The memories of the fantasies I had about Jessica..about holding her, soothing her, feeding her, singing to her, holding her hands as she tried to walk, toddling away, comforting her when she fell.

I haven't had those memories of past dreams for a long time. And so the tears fell.
The shouldn't have beens and the would've beens piled up and spilled over. The remembrance of that feeling that you were the luckiest person in the world to have such a beautiful perfect family, all your dreams realized.
Oh the naivity of it all........

And as if to remind me of my 'positivity goal', my coffee, just then, spilled all over the seat of my car. Somehow the edge of the lid was swept away by me pulling the sun-visor shade out to cover my window, taking my coveted cup of latte with it. The very cup I had purchased moments earlier when I had decided to treat myself with a small, soy latte, not decaf.

Just to remind me, once again.....it could all be gone in an instant

Positive....

Today I am throwing out all my other goals.....ALL
The one goal I am replacing it is with trying to stay positive...all day, every day.
I want to surround myself with positive thoughts, positive energy and all that.
I don't know what's around the bend. It could be great, or it could be stormy. But right now, I am floating down the river, enjoying the sun on my back and the cool water at my feet.
If you'd like to send me any positive thoughts/vibes/prayers/energy, anything, I would be much appreciative.
There is no point in freaking out over things that are so obviously not in my control, so I might as well think positively.


In other weird fertility news, I thought I was getting my period (CD 29) and just spotting of pink/brown/red this weekend. Now today it is gone. The other weird thing was that I don't think I ovulated, but then last wed/thur, the OPK was finally showing a surge. I think my body is all confused. I also tried to move the colp.osco.py up to the end of this month in an attempt to meet this head on (whatever it may be) and move on.

Please send me positive thoughts. I don't know what I would do without all of you here in blogland. Only one other person IRL (Dh, of course) knows about this scary sentive stuff. I am so grateful to have found you all.

Scared....

I am really scared. My doctor just called about the pap smear she did on me last month....too many abnormal cells categorizing it as "cervic.al dys.plasia" in the precan.cerous condition...which means I have to now undergo a colp.oscopy.
The procedure is horrifying to me.
What's even more horrifying is that if they don't catch this in time, and it does end up devloping into cancer, I'll have to have a hy.sterecto.my.
Maybe I don't have as much time as I thought to have kids.......
What else do you want to throw at me?

(tears...)

(edited to add in 2004 when I found out I was pregnant with my son, I had a slighty abnormal pap and I think they said I had H.PV at that time. Subsequent paps have all come back normal...)

Simpler Life....?

Apples, grapes, milk, cheese, meat, blueberries...I looked over the contents of my trunk, evidence of the morning's procurement of the weekly groceries. I was satisfied; simple ingredients to make all of the meals for my family for the week.
Many of my friends are always in wonderment that I could formulate entire meals from just these simple pure ingredients. What were missing were the crackers, overly-processed breads, frozen dinners, and all the other 'necessities' that adorn the shelves of our friends and family. There was a certain sense of pride from making such lavish dinners from scratch, from only a finite set of pure ingredients.

And so I got to thinking. Maybe simpler is what I should be doing. Maybe it is time to clean out the clutter in my life; the messy relationships, the complicated planning, the need to buy things... Maybe I just need to live in the moment, with what I have, enjoying the here and the now, being consciously present. Maybe I should start more from scratch.

This video that I happened on earlier this morning also was inspiring:



There is beauty in the simple. In fact, maybe there is even joy in it.

Trying....

Today I am trying...
I am trying to start my diet again (low carbs, around 1500 cal), trying to start to clean the house (hasn't been done in weeks..), trying to get into my workout routine (I've been doing 5 days the past two weeks so that's good), trying not to go too crazy because Dh is out of town and (A won't stop chattering away at me constantly, nor did he take a nap), trying to give up my nightly 'night cap' of something (although today I have switched to red wine, isn't that better?), trying not to dwell on the stupidity of family that have announced when they have just gotten a BFP(and thinking to myself, "gee, I hope that all works out for them"), trying not to think too much about the odd visit I just had with my mother, trying to ignore then not so subtle babymaking pressure brought on by my MIL now every time I see her, trying not to obsess about figuring out where I am in my cycle (I have POAS since CD 8 and still not gotten a dark line, now CD 24), and overall trying not to plan too much for the future.

I just keep trying to live, trying to be in the moment, trying to remind myself that every moment should be appreciated.

And so with my laundry half done, half folded, the junk mail half gone through, my daily calorie goal almost obtained (1660 kcal), A in bed, I feel somewhat satisfied.
I just hope maybe tomorrow I'll feel motivated to try just a little harder.

All we can do is try. All we can do is hope that tomorrow maybe we'll get there.