Taking the Plunge

I'm going to relinquish control. Not really "control" per se, but my thinking that I am in control of certain things that are clearly NOT in my control

Other goals for the week:
-Give up coffee and other heavily caffeinated beverages
-Work hard on food monitoring (going to try and stay w/in 1300 kcal since my weight-loss has stalled out a bit
- Try and only have my glass or two of wine one day at the end of the week (instead of a crutch)
-Make more vegetarian meals and not take the "easy way out"
-Start lesson planning
-Clean the house (maybe even get to some of those "non maintenance" projects)
-Read more rather than sitting on my laptop for hours at a time.
-Work harder at the potty training for AC
-Be a more interactive parent, rather than sitting and moping while he watches the tube

Okay go.

D'OH!

Like a train wreck I felt impaled to look.
And there it was.
All of their hopes and dreams
on a page where you could buy and then subsequently print out.
So stupid...I feel really sick

Another Invitation..

We got the invitation to the crack whore's (translation: cousin's girlfriend's) baby girl shower today.
I wish I could get angry if it weren't so darn sad and depressing.

On Blogging

I'm a little more than green to the whole blogging thing but do enjoy comments from others, which is why I comment on the other blogs I read.
But it seems like each time I got to look at the blogs I read, more and more are private and access denied. I can't help but feeling like maybe it was something I said.
I hope I didn't say anything to hurt someone...
This whole thing makes me want to start not commenting just so I can continue to read other peoples blog.
Am I self conscious or what?

Discrimination of Different Hue is Still Wrong

I hate that so many people are blind some times.

This post here from an acquaintance of mine IRL really irks me. It is in response to an article where a child and parent were asked to leave the plane after the toddler kept repeating the same phrase over and over again and was giving the flight attendant a headache. The comment, made by my acquaintance in response to this article that really got me, was

"I'm child-free. I would love to know of a childless restaurant to go to. I don't have a child, so why should I have to be around children, if I don't feel like it. What's wrong with there being places that are childess?"

To me, this is like saying, "I'm not mentally disabled, (or fat, or physically disabled, or a woman, or purple or whatever stereotype you would like to put here) so why do I have to be around places where these people are?"
Just because they are children, does that mean they should be discriminated against?
I'm sure we all have our prejudices on things but it crosses the line into "discrimination" when an action is made solely on these prejudices.

This is on top of the wedding invitation that we received from a friend of DH where there was an insert that said:

"It is with deep regret, that due to limited space, we must ask that no children under the age of ten attend, except for those whose families are traveling from out of the area"

Is that a load of you know what ...or what? First of all, a lap child or a baby takes up way less space then a ten year old. Secondly, why don't you not invite anyone overweight or disabled in a wheelchair because they certainly take up much more space than someone sitting on your lap or sleeping in your arms. This on top of the fact, that I would have actually had an infant in my arms...
As for my toddler, unless it was a family wedding, we probably would have opted not to bring him anyways because he is so active and it would not be very pleasurable for us or for him if he couldn't wiggle around.
How offended am I , really? (and yes they know...)

And lest not forget that in the past, during times of war, it was the children who were often "killed" first...

Playing through my Head

"Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
Its getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
It doesnt matter much to me"

-John Lennon, Strawberry Fields Forever

Grreeeaat....

So I think I'm having AF for the second time this month...fun.
I get it. really. I get that I'm not in control of anything. I get it. You can stop now.
Flippin' fantastic...

All Is Not Lost

Today for some odd reason, the Biblical story of Abraham and Sarah keeps running through my head. Mostly how they wanted children badly and God said to wait. And after being impatient and trying to take matters into their own hands, they finally felt defeated and exhausted. It was then, when they were both really old, that she conceived a child, which led to an entire nation.

The other story that I've been thinking about is the immaculate conception. Sometimes I think this was a little of us because when we got pregnant, we weren't trying to. Actually, we were actively preventing it. And I wasn't sloppy about taking my pills because when we conceived my son, was a little sloppy about my pills AND I was given a low dose of the hormone so this time, I made them put me back on the full strength AND I took it at exactly the same time each day. This was the same pill that had worked for me for 5 years, without any hints of every being pregnant, so believe you me, I was very careful because we weren't planning on having another until another year. But of course we wanted her! She was this amazing gift! It was just so strange all the happenings. Also, I NEVER feel myself ovulate (some women do) and I know the exact day I ovulated with her because I felt this pain on my left side for several hours. I had thought at one point I might be passing a kidney stone, but this pain was more in front than in the back. My friend told me on the phone that day, "oh, you're probably just ovulating" and I said, "what? I better not be!"

The other thing I keep thinking about is how peaceful I was with her. I had this peace. I couldn't get upset really about anything. With my son, I felt rage all the time and to this day, boy does he have a TEMPER!!! He used to get so upset when he was an infant, that his face would turn blue and he would stop breathing for a few seconds. But with Jessica, I knew I had to pick out a name that would suit how peaceful I felt. Jessica was not any of the names I had picked out(or even considered) but when she was in my arms and they asked me what her name was, I blurted out "Jessica" and the middle name? DH said "Ann"
We didn't know it at the time, but when you put them together, roughly translated, they mean "HE sees grace"

So I can't help but wonder about these "occurrences". I am thinking about going to church this weekend. I haven't been in like a year because I have yet to find a church that believes in exactly what I do (another long story), but I'm thinking of going because I have a feeling I might find something there.

I am a very logical person, so thinking about all these things are bewildering me. I do accept that there are things that cannot be explained by science and over the years, I have witnessed these things over and over again.

It could be worse. I could die and worry forever about my DH and son, especially my son. There are other worse things that I can't even put into words for fear of seeing them on a page. It could be much worse.

All is not lost. I am still here.

Edited to Add: Thank you all for your comments last night. I guess it is hard for me because my life revolves around my son and we do playgroups and all of these activities and he is the type of kid who NEEDS to get out of the house every single day. And I need adult interaction or I'll go crazy. But yes, I should take it more in stride. I think I will take a break from them for awhile

No Fucking Title

Yes Poor YOU! It must be so hard with an infant and a two year old. I don't know how you do it. It must be so draining with the around the clock feedings and changing dirty diapers every hour. Poor you, I'm sure you just can't manage to even make dinner. And oh yes, I remember being soooo tired all the time. I'm sure it must be even more exhausting now. Oh and haha, yeah , I guess it will take you a year to get off the baby weight like last time..there's no need to get rid of it sooner since you HAVE the baby to go with the weight.
And oh yes, and I'm sure it is so hard to go to baseball games now with an infant and a toddler. I can't even imagine. Damn, I guess those days are over now, eh? Yes, poor you.
Oh and poor YOU who is 8 months pregnant and can't eat sushi and drink wine. POOR FRIGGIN' YOU. Sure, we'll wait to have a sushi girl's night until you pop the baby out. What the hell. Oh and yes, poor you being so tired being pregnant and chasing after your toddler. It is no wonder you can't catch your breath.
Give me a Fucking Break!
Thinking about these things is so draining. I'm sick of being the one...
Nobody cares anymore and that sucks.
I'm at a loss. AND just because you and I both know that there are babies and pregnant women everywhere does not give you the right to say, "well, maybe you should just psych yourself up all the time, because you know wherever you go, there will be pregnant women and babies"
Yes, exactly. It's my fucking problem.
I want a do-over damnit

I think I'm done trying to be a SAHM around these people. I can't wait until fall, when I go back to work part-time. My face will be a lot less red do to the reduction of number of times it will be slapped on a daily basis.
At least this is my hope.
Fuck this.
(and NO I didn't go to the gym today)
edited to add: At about 8pm I HAD to go to the gym or something or someone was going to get hurt. I spent an hour on the elliptical trainer and was at the gym almost two hours. When I came home, I was way to exhausted to be angry.I told DH that I had to "work out my anger issues" and he understood. That's why I love him so much

I'm Crazy

Today I am crazy...no INSANE
I am making a mom-din (it's what we do when someone has a baby, we take turns making them home cooked meals for the first month) and now, it is becoming quite an elaborate production. So everything is finally cooked (3 hours later) even dessert so I'm just waiting until my son wakes up
It is for the woman who brought her week old infant to girls night (previous post). I thought I was ready and maybe even would want to hold her...but now my inclination is to duck and cover.
I found out that she will be gone with the baby for about an hour this afternoon but her nanny will be home so I am thinking of stopping by THEN so I don't have to deal with it.
I'm crazy because not only am I making a mom-din for her, I coordinated ALL of her mom-dins AND put an announcement in the mom's club newsletter.
Now I just need to get together a little "gift" for the baby..
Insane....
So far I am remaining reasonably detatched emotionally, but by tonight, I may need a margarita.
We'll see.
One day at a time, right?

"It's my party..."

As my mum called to say, "I know what I was doing exactly 25 years ago today" and "Happy Birthday"
My heart sunk as it dawned on me that I would always remember what I was doing exactly on May 13th
Of course I would always remember her birthday.
A mother does these things without even thinking

A mother remembers long after the world has forgotten

"...and I'll cry if I want to"

I should have known

I should have known when I post these horribly optimistic half glass full entries that I'm destined for an immediate crash down to earth. It happens this way, it seems. So can somebody PLEASE warn me in case I forget?
Tonight was a disaster. I tried to go to "girls night out" with the other moms from my playgroup.. I got there where a few were having drinks, said my hellos, noted the infant carriers with the blankets over them because they were sleeping..ok
More friends walk in and OMG I turn around....there is the week old infant baby girl who bears a similar resemblence in the face to Jessica.....
I say quick hello and make a beeline for the bathroom.
After twenty minutes and several pep talks later I emerge. Because at this point, yes, I could leave and that would be easy, but I really don't want to. Damnit. I want to have my girl's night. I flipped out and didn't go to the last one at the last minute. I deserve this.
I made it out relatively unscathed - after only 3 trips to the bathroom (only one of which to actually tinkle). This sucks. And I don't want to be the drama queen. I try so hard not to.
And I figured out, it is not always what people say....but sometimes just the pity. DON'T FREAKIN' PITY ME!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I can't bear and often what sets me off.
When I came back in from one of the trips, the clueless woman said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" to which I replied, holding back tears,an abrupt, "I really don't want to talk about this right now, thank you" and then as I had held onto it they had divulged into a full blown conversation as to how they all had their "two" and they are done having kids now---held it together until another one looked at me and whispered "Would you like a glass of wine? J, I'm sorry".... set me off again.. beeline for the bathroom.
Yes, another glass of wine please
I don't want to be the party pooper, but I am also so tired of isolating myself from people who I like and enjoy their company. I am tired of being alone. I try to join the living....but it is just so hard.
One woman, who had been through a stillbirth (her first of five *four living*) said, "you are so brave" but even that resonates because my mom said, when she arrived at the hospital after the delivery, "my brave girl"
It will get easier......I believe in systematic desensitization, don't you?
Off to cry myself to sleep and hope for better things tomorrow. After all, DH is coming home and I can't wait to see him and snuggle

In a Garden

I feel so very lucky to have space to garden. Every time I go out there, I think of Jessica when I look at all the wildflowers we planted (yes, I'm aware that's an oxymoron).
It feels good to take care of things...almost like children... and it is peaceful out there in the sunshine while my son is napping. It's gratifying to watch things grow, ripen and mature.
I have realized that I am not only mourning for my daughter, but mourning for ALL that I have lost through this process.
1. My sense of naive security
2. friends who I had to let go when they failed to be there for me
3. sense of belonging to my playgroup
4. sense of who I was an where I was going
5. reckless optimism
6. patience for the mundane
7. sense of control over my own destiny




There is now a very clear line between reality and fantasy. I can dream all I want and take steps towards those dream, but in the end, reality will settle in and has the final say.

But I feel like I have gained
1. wisdom
2. mortality (sense of)
3. deeper appreciation for life - never to be taken for granted
4. patience for my son
5. compassion towards others (more so than before)
6. the realization of the journey that binds us all

I am sad I had to gain these things this way, but when all is said and done;
"C'est la vie"
In the garden of life, things live, things die, there is change, there are seasons, there is a cycle and damnit, if you look at the whole thing, it is beautiful.

2 Things....maybe more

Two things I did today that I've been meaning to do
1) Made copies of the footprints they did at the hospital of Jessica, so we can order this memorial.
I'm thinking of ordering one for each of the sets of grandparents and my sister and then maybe getting some ornaments to give away at Christmas. We're going to order the urn part too. Right now she is in a nice wooden box, but I'd like to get something that reminds me more of her when I glance over at her shelf. On her shelf I have all her things: the quilt DH's aunt made her for the shower, hand made sympathy card, a scrapbook that DH mostly put together, the baby figurine that was on my shower cake, the two momento books that the hospital gave us, the outfit we dressed her in when she was born, roses my sister brought to the memorial, a bear figurine from my son's shower so that they are both together, the zebra that was a shower gift that my son loved and wouldn't let go of until after Jessica left us. Then for some reason, he didn't want anything to do with it (very perceptive 2 year old). And I'm guessing things will get added as time passes...

2) I also made copies of of the BBT charts so I can start doing that since AF came and went.

Last night I spent some time reading E.mp.ty Cr.ad.le Broken Heart and really sort of worked on my grieving. It felt a little like homework, but it was good I think. DH is away on business this week so my evenings after my little Chicken goes down are pretty quiet. I think I will find that checklist in the grief resolution helpful--like a map so I don't get lost in it, I guess. It is hard because many of the things on the checklist I feel already, but am questioning that.

On a completely different note: I am proud of the progress I am making to get my body's strength back. I am now within ten pounds of my prepregnancy weight but still 15 away from my goal. I work out between 5-7 days a week and do about 50 minutes of cardio each day. I have also started toning and strengthening through my Pilates Reformer classes twice a week in an effort to really strengthen my tummy muscles so that should I find myself pregnant in the near future, my body will be able to support another pregnancy. After two full term pregnancies in 3 years, I think it is really important I do this. And of course, I am doing my Kegels as per my doctor's request so that I don't pee my pants when I get old.

Alright, off to do more things.

Uhm...yuck

For the past 2-3 weeks, when I get really sad, I feel nauseous. As in, I physically feel like I am going to toss my cookies....and sometimes I do.
Another family gathering. Another baby girl....this one had to be in the 2-3 month age....Jessica would have been close to her age....
I threw up when I got home.

Yes, after what happened to me...and other thoughts constantly mulling over in my head today

The woman on the phone yesterday,
"Yes, I think we are all a bit on edge until we hear good news after what happened to you....."
Those words keep repeating in my head. Yes, after what happened to me, no one is safe.

And I do accept that it is something that happened to me. I didn't happen to do it.

***

I can't help feeling in these playgroup situations that I am the woman with the dead baby
I sit and listen to them talking about their infants or their pregnancies and sometimes they look over at me with a half grin. Yes, I am the woman with the dead baby

***

Someone commented that she's in awe that I can tell people that my baby died. I feel this is appropriate because to say she died, is to also say she lived!!! I almost say it proudly---almost. I had a baby, but she died. Also, I think this puts the action on my baby. I did not do the dying for her. In fact, if it were left up to me, I would rather her have not died. But she did it all on her own, unfortunately. And I still mull over whether this was an act of weakness on her part, or an act of strength.

***
In other news, while most dread the onset of their menstrual cycles, today, I rejoiced. In fact, it has made my day. Another step towards fall.

Neuroses

The baby is fine...the baby is fine....

A woman in my playgroup supposedly gave birth yesterday. The last post was at 8:30 am yesterday saying she was in the hospital with contractions 3 min apart. I kept checking my email for an update but DH said late last night that I probably wouldn't hear anything until today. This, of course, was sensible. So this morning when I still hadn't heard anything, I called my friend who had posted the news to the group. She said she had called her at 3pm yesterday and was told that she was pushing. Still no news, but of course I'm sure everything is fine. Why wouldn't it be? However, I have been obsessed with checking my email every few minutes.
Can I please live out my neuroses vicariously so that I will be less neurotic when I get pregnant again?

the baby is fine...why wouldn't she be?

edited to add: okay, just got a post, all is fine, mom and baby doing great

Fireworks.

Watching the fireworks tonight I tried to think about what it would have been like with my baby girl here. I just couldn't picture it because my mind kept thinking, you don't know. You just don't know what it would have been like. Maybe she would have been sick and we wouldn't have been able to leave the house. You just don't know so it is silly to think things would have been as they were only with a baby.

We can dream, but after it is readily apparent those dreams are no longer plausible, we must surrender to the new dreams as we let go of the old.