Through the Looking Glass

Funny how your perception changes as you are looking through different lenses, be them rosy or not.

I finally got glasses, and now everything seems like it's in high definition. The edges and angles are sharper. The colors are brighter. The lines are clearer.

I had no idea I was living in a fog. Until I put the glasses on, I had no idea how much I had adapted to my reality.

Perception.

With the budget what it is, my job is tentative for next fall. Because of budget cuts, summer school is now up in the air. The future is uncertain at best.

But now I know the reality is that nothing is ever assured. I don't get my hopes up. I don't expect anything, because my perception has changed.

I have lost the warm fuzziness that I had adapted to. My reality is now sharper, a little less kind. There is less for details to hide behind.

Although the future is indefinite, it IS clearer.
Finding the wisdom that no longer allows us to speculate about the things of tomorrow is unsettling and yet comforting at the same time.

There is no fear around the bend. I have seen the monster and no longer have to hide in fear because I can calculate it's every move, for his path is unobstructed. And that calculation is indeed infinite, and yet the limit is defined.

Glasses certainly make the world much more transparent, much more real.

Perception

Tagged....

Alright, alright already! I've been tagged by charmedgirl to mindlessly bore you for the next few minutes.

The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I love to ballroom dance. LOVE IT! And, it seems I am good at it despite my parents telling me at the ripe age of nine that I "had no rhythm". (I also play 4 instruments, and sing so THERE! I must have rhythm of some sort!) I'm going dancing on Friday (I get out about once a month). Dh, however does not dance. So boo on him!

2. Before I met Dh, I had a list. You know, the list of things you want in a mate. Some of these were superficial, but who cares. The list was, "intelligent, witty, humorous, caring, blue-eyed, ambitious, and made enough 'dough' for me to be a SAHM". Who knew one person could have all that? So yeah, I bagged him.

3. When I was younger(grades 4-8), they would ask us to memorize and recite poetry. I was always the first and only one in the class to be able to recite all of the poetry (sometimes 50+ lines long) in front of the class. I was so good at this that in eight grade I accidently memorized the Gettysburg Address (Four score and seven years ago...). I still do it as a parlor trick. If I could only find some usefulness for this.

4. I have some psychic powers. I used to be more clarivoyant when I was younger, but it's still there to an extent. I see ghosts too.

5. I'm a closet vegetarian. The idea of meat creeps me out....but I can eat it if I'm not thinking about it. The minute someone starts talking about it, or raw meat comes onto the scene, I start to lose it. I don't enjoy the taste or texture either. I have been like this my whole life because I remember sitting there at the dinner table, cutting my steak up into a million pieces hoping nobody will notice I didn't eat it. when I started cooking the dinners at the age of 11, I would be making spaghetti meat sauce and scoop the 'juice' off the top as it simmered and put it in a separate container for my own sauce. It wasn't until later that I learned the word "vegetarian" and then later still when I learned it was not a dirty word.

6. In grades 1-6 we would have these mathematics standardized tests. Around grade 2, I stopped doing the math part because I realized the numbers were the same each time. So instead, I memorized them. I had all of the addition, subtraction, multiplication and division 100 answers each memorized by 6th grade. I always won the competition because I didn't do the math, I just put in the answers. Is this cheating?

I tag Erin, Melissa, and WannabeMom

Dread...

For the second night in a row I have not really slept.
For the second night in a row my son spiked at 105 degree temp just before we went to bed.
There is no comfort in praying to God. There is no trust.
Pleading, begging, to keep your child safe.

And then the dark place.
What if something were to happen to him.....
I would lose it.
I am finding that I am still in a somewhat fragile state

Fear, dread...tears - these keep me from sleeping.

THAT voice is a little stronger now....I cannot ignore it.
Not on my watch!!! NOT ON MY WATCH!!!!

Tea...on my mind

I am not going in to work tomorrow. A is still running a high fever and Dh starts his new job tomorrow. I decided to run over to school and drop off sub plans and make copies for my classes tomorrow.

Upon finishing my task, after shaking the paranoia that came from strange noises and dark hallways, I decided I was craving food that is not a part of the diet I started again today. So what came to mind was that I needed a nice hot cup of Oolong Tea. This is my ultimate comfort tea that keeps me from snacking in the evenings. The problem was I was out of the tea at home.

No problem, I will stop at one of the many stores on my way home and pick some up. Store #1, where I usually buy the tea, was out (and none in the back). I decided to try next door at an herbal store. After combing the vast amount of teas in their selection I came across two options. One was a bag of Oolong Tea in loose leaf form for $14.99....hmmm...not quite. Option number two was a box of organic oolong in bags but.....they were out. After flagging down the guy who worked there and him taking the time, even though it was closing, to look upstairs, we concluded that they were out.

I jump in the car and notice another store a block away. I frantically browse through the unfamiliar isles to the tea isle. Nope, no oolong.


I get in my car and start to drive home. There is one more store that is close to my home; I will try there.

I get to the store's eerie parking lot. It is not in the best part of town, but I get a good parking spot (or so I though). I go to the door, just as they are closing one entrance. Foiled again! I must go all the way down to the other door. I know the lay of the store and go directly to the tea isle. After looking over each tea at least twice, carefully reading the label, I am beyond disbelief that they do not have Oolong tea.


One more thought...maybe the Asian food isle?

I almost run down there. "They have to have it", I think to myself. "This is insane, how can not one store have a simple Oolong tea?!"
I scan the contents of the shelf. Yes!! There it is! One brand, overly priced, but there it is!

I grab it and head out.
As I make my way towards the cashier I am CRAVING CHOCOLATE!!! And Look!! Valentine's Day candy for half price. I frantically grasp at a bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I walk a few steps. "No! You have been so good all day!" "but just one or two" "no, you will eat half the bag"

I put it back and head to checkout.

I am now sitting in my chair, checking my email and hour later, and drinking my psuedomly rare Oolong tea.

I was frantic and obsessive, but in the end I feel I triumphed...and it's only day one.

Home...

The mountains were beautiful and it was great to escape everyday-life for awhile. It was fun to play, be silly, and work together.
My mom went with us and that was good too. She's been feeling like a failure because despite her efforts, she's still unemployed, and at the end of the month, she will no longer be able to receive unemployment funds.She was doing well until last night at dinner, when my MIL (FIL and MIL came up that evening) "So do you commute to work?"...argh.

As she was describing her awkwardness and feelings of inadequacy, I understood exactly how she felt. You know, when you're sitting around a table and the question comes about "so are you guys going to have two kids?" or some other nonsense. I wish I could get her a job. She is doing everything right and has been. Everyday she searches for a job. She interviews, even gets called back. But there are so many out of work right now. This is depressing. I wish I had the hope to "pray" for her and know that God would grant her a job. But I know now, this is not how it works. I so badly wish I had that faith back.

But the time spent earlier that day was spent laughing at each other trying to walk on icy roads, laughing at the couple snow-shoeing who were in their swimsuits (only in California..) and then daring each other to sit on the lifeguard chair (where the base was completely packed with snow) and take off our top and take pictures in our sports bras. I almost did it...almost.
My son loved the snow...and we came home only to have him have a fever of 104 degrees. I'm glad we came back when we did.

I really need to get back on my diet. But it is so tiresome. Will the scale ever show the numbers I want? I haven't been very good the last couple of weeks. Tomorrow I am thinking about getting it together again... part of me just wants to hang onto the weight...even get fat. I want to be pregnant so I can get fat and eat food without looking at the ingredients. I guess I want to be fat because it feels like I'm pregnant.(I know that must sound a little screwed up) Tomorrow though. I haven't really gone to the gym in the last two weeks either. I just need to do it. I'm thinking of joining a website I read about in a magazine so that I'll have other people to motivate me. I wish I were fat and 9 months pregnant again......but the journey is so far from here.

off we go...

Feeling somewhat better.
Now off to the mountains and snow for a few days
Hoping it goes well....

...may not be suitable for all audiences

You know what? Fuck this!
Just fucking fuck this!!!!!
I would have thought yesterday would have been hard and sad.....
but now I'm sitting here in tears with no particular thoughts or words.
..
I'm through trying to analize this shit.
There is nothing.
This sucks.
It's my flipping wedding anniversary.....I should be over the moon...
Fuck.
I'm so over this!!!!!!!!




and my coworker found out she's having a girl.

A Lifetime Ago......continued

Nine months really is a lifetime ago.
How was a whole lifetime squeezed into nine months, I'll never know.

Today was harder than I had anticipated.

The feelings resurface....anger coupled with sadness.

A lifetime ago she would have been here with me breathing..
Instead of leaving.

nine months....


Jessica Anne born still May 13, 2007
8 lbs 4 oz., 20.5 inches.

A Lifetime Ago......

How is it yesterday was a lifetime ago?
It was so easy being a wife, a mother, a friend.
I remember being pregnant with my first, and having Dh come up behind me, hugging me and making a comment about being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
More importantly, I remember the effortlessness of the moment.

How is it February already when it seems like it was just May?
Tuesday will be 9 months since she died. Wednesday will be 9 months from that dreadful day of feeling numb after birthing my dead daughter. Thursday will be my 1 year wedding anniversary and Friday, will hopefully be the first time my son sees real snow in the mountains.

I have anxiety over the coming week. The anxiety started this weekend as we were going to go to a friend's birthday party. I melted down in the shower while getting ready for it. I talked myself into going and it was fun. More often than not though, now, I have a moment of dread about going out for social events...having to talk myself into it. It's hard. I never would get this type of social anxiety before. But the idea of conversing and laughing and being a normal person, sometimes just makes me want to stay home and crawl into my familiar hole. But I don't. I'm always glad I went after the fact. Even now, I'm dreading going to work. I'd much rather stay home and do nothing. But I know once I get there and get moving, I will feel better.

It used to be so effortless......
No fighting back tears, no anxiety about plans, no forced conversation and then spacing out to "THAT" place....

It'll be fine....I just have to keep moving...

Coasting.....

It's weird and really somewhat morbid that I have strange things play out in my head when I am doing anything that has any sort of risk.

While driving in the rain with Dh I had the thought, What if we spun out and got hit and then killed. My son would be all alone. Then the situation plays out differently. If we were all in the car and the same thing happened, somehow that feels better.
The weird thing is that I can almost "feel" the impact.
When we went to Disneyland, I had several senarios play out each time I got on a ride.

I think this has something to do with my change in perception from "expecting the best" to "expecting the worst".
This is because the worst has happen. Of course, at least, I am hoping that it was the WORST.

The past couple of days I am caught "coasting". My son was going through a rough patch at school, this week it seems to be fine. My diet seems to be back in check. My exercise is in check. My relationships seem to be in check. My emotions seem to be pretty balanced. My sleeping has gotten back on the regular schedule. The weather is even cooperating! It's 67 degrees and sunny!!

Coasting....

I should be enjoying the trouble free flight, and yet, somehow, I am expecting that a crash is right around the corner...something...something I'm sure will come about.

Awwww....

Thanks charmedgirl for the CANDY and LOVE! I am so touched!
Let's see, who do I read everyday? I think it'd have to be Coggy (although I have a whole blog roll that I try and check in on everyday) because she writes such raw and honest emotion. Like "this is what is going on, and this is how I'm dealing with it".
(she also posts a lot :))
So I'm sending some candy and love your way!

You can view others who have won the daily does award here

Almost.....

Sometimes, I catch myself in a moment where I remember where I was.
Where was I, you ask?
Well, it was days spent playing with my son...that was my job.
My son and my hubby were the center of my world.
There was no weight on my shoulders from the heavy reality of life.
There just wasn't.
In those innocent times I would wake up, make breakfast and coffee, we'd get dressed eventually have an outing somewhere, eat lunch, come home for nap, then I'd make dinner and wait for Dh to come home.
Being a SAHM is hands-down the most demanding job, BUT there was never any doubt in my mind that I would ever quit the job or ever questioned the validity of such a job.
I knew what I was working for.

These days, my day begins earlier...and certainly less leisurely.
I wake up a little too early, get showered, get dressed, make lunches, make breakfast, wake my son up, get him dressed and fed, head out the door into commute traffic, get to his school and play for about 15 min before I leave for my school. Once I get to my school I have about 25 min to prep before my classes start. After teaching, I head back to the preschool, pick my son up, we eat lunch, sometimes go to the park, then nap (during which I pay bills, prep for class the next day, eat lunch if I haven't already, answer emails, return phone calls), then nap's over, time for dinner, then the bedtime routine, sit for a couple of hours, go to bed then wake up and do it all again. The difference is, I get validation from my students (sometimes) and my boss that I am actually doing a good job and know what I am talking about.

Sometimes I have to forgo the daily mess that accumulates in my house, succombing to weekly rather than daily cleanings. I don't always have time to play with my child when he wants it (of course I do make time to play, but also have to do other things like make dinner). I don't have mornings off to join the gals at playgroup, plan an impromptu trip to a museum or type of animal menagerie.
And so, sometimes, I remember this life I used to have---my purpose, and I almost want to go back to that.

I only sort of remember how stressful it was entertaining a young one all day long, having no validation from anyone, feeling like I was most certainly failing at my job some days, waiting earnestly for Dh to come home just so I'd be "off duty".

But I think what I miss really is the innocence of it all.

In that pivotal moment, while sitting there at the table playing blocks with my son and remembering how this was how I would spend entire days, I feel the rewarding warmth rush in. In his world, there is only love and security.

I realize then that it's not that I long for the days where I was only a SAHM, but that I long for the days when they were simple and pure. I think if I could, I'd be 3 years old again...at least then, things made sense and the universe operated in a somewhat orderly fashion.

Day Long...

All day I have been thinking about last year....
See, my wedding anniversary is coming up in a little over a week. I was in the 7th month pregnant with our 2nd (when the wedding was planned we were going to wait another year to have our second) in Hawaii, on the beach, surrounded by only our closest few friends and immediate family.

It was the happiest time of my life.

Hard......

I'm finding one aspect of my job hard.

The kids come into my classroom on an equal level. I make it a point not to know their histories or what they've done wrong to land here at the alternative school.
My classroom is a safe place-free from sexism, racism, bullyism, profanity, etc. (even though they may need constant reminders of how one should interact in civilized society)
I trust them until they give me reason not to.
I think with most of the kids, they realize this. I don't treat them like "bad" kids just because they may have that stigmatism.
But....
There is a point in the process, where sometimes you find out a little about them, and it hurts.

The other day, the receptionist relayed the story of how she was on the phone with the students' mother and the following conversation took place in the background
Mom: "I'm sick of you. I'm going to leave you"
Kid: "You can't do that, you're my mom. They'll throw you in jail for abandonment"
Mom: "I don't care. I can't stand you. I'm going to put you in foster care"

...

Please, don't have kids unless you are going to want them even when they are teenagers and struggling for independence, even when they try to get attention the bad way.

I was informed days later that there is a possibility this kid might be moving to LA

He said to me today, after I thanked him for his participation in the class discussion,
"Mrs. C, can you see I'm trying hard this week?" (as if saying, "can't you see, I'm not too screwed-up, I'm worthy of love")

I said,
"Yes, I see M. I really appreciate your participation and insight and I recognize your efforts. Thanks"

I know there will probably be a day where, without warning, he will no longer be at school. There will be no goodbyes. There will be no knowing what has happened to him, and how his life might turn out years later.

There is only hope. Only hope that maybe, in recognizing his efforts, he made the decision to be a good kid and learned that good efforts are rewarded far more in society than the bad. And that he is the only one responsible for his actions.
Afterwards, there will be absence......only to be filled with another...another one seeking, striving, trying, learning, ....

The hardest part is the lack of closure. It's like starting to read a book in the middle and after just finally getting into the plot, someone takes the book while you're not looking.

Morning Sunrise...

My thoughts as I was driving to work after dropping my son off at preschool,
"F@#k, if it's this hard parenting one child........."