Where do they come up with this stuff?

A, my son, in the car this afternoon:

Mommy, you need to go to the hospital to get a baby.

Me: Why?

A: Because I am getting too big and you need someone little. So the doctor needs to take a baby out of your tummy.

Me: Oh, ok.


Oh son, if only it were that simple....

Future..

As I am busy planning the next school year, I catch myself thinking how uncertain the future may be. We cannot predict the future at all. We can only see the past. And I think it is the tears, anger, sadness that keeps us marching toward a hopeful future. If I could run from all the hurt, I would. And in the beginning, I did. I had to. Self preservation keeps you running away from the burning building. But then I slowed and realized I was hurt, irreparably wounded. I cannot run, but keep a steady pace, further away from the past, scars healed over. There must be hope.

In the early days, there may have been only a thread of hope in the midst of the despair. But it was there. It has always been there. Like the pilot light in your furnace. Just because you can't feel its heat, doesn't mean it's not lit. It's there when we are ready.

I have always been a planner, but because fate was cruel, I have learned that plans are ridiculous. The bigger the plan, the more ridiculous it becomes that you will get the desired outcome.

Who is this person? I am trudging along on the dirt pathway, full of rocks; I am broken, my clothes are tattered from the journey. I am virtually unrecognizable to those who sent me on my way. But I continue marching because I have to. The hope keeps me going. The hope gives me strength to move my legs, one foot in front of the other. The hope keeps me from collapsing.

That's what she said..

I opened one fortune cookie tonight and this is what it said, I kid you not :

Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you.

I hope so..

Happy Birthday My Sweet Angel.

Jessica Anne
born still May 13, 2007
8 lbs 4 oz 20.5 in


An Angel Never Dies - author unknown
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…
An Angel Never Dies.

The Buildup..

I am hoping that, like last year, this year the build-up will be worse than the actual days. But I am realizing that because of all the hype about Mother's Day I think my Mother's Day will always be the saddest. Because while little children and their daddies were rushing around buying presents, cards and thinking of little ways to honor their mother, my daughter died inside me. And as they presented their little treasures to their honored one, I held my dead baby in my arms.

I will always feel sad, but this year it has been hard to have a full-out cry. I am in desperate need of a full-out cry but have only teared-up thus far. It is almost like being nauseous and needing to throw up because you know you will feel better once you do, but not being able to. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best analogy. Is sneezing any better?

I was thinking in the car this morning on my way to work, that there is so much loss, tragedy, pain and suffering in the world. It was then that I came to the conclusion, for the first time with certain absolution, that there has to be some sort of heaven. Maybe it's not with people flying around forever, maybe it is something simpler, maybe being reincarnated as a ladybug or a redwood tree, who knows. But I know there must be something else besides being human and living this life. I know this because I have felt glimpses of appreciation and joy. Mere fleeting glimpses. The feeling of a perfect day or a perfect moment. And I know they are not meant to last. But why the hell would we have these glimpses that we wouldn't have had without our suffering if there was not something else? Like dangling a carrot. Imagine a life without suffering. We wouldn't appreciate it unless we had already suffered.

So that's how my dead baby led me to believe in heaven.