So my baby disgust has turned into lust.
I want another baby BAAAAAADDDDD. I want to feel that little warm creature in my arms, bundled up in a soft cotton blanket, listening their heart and smelling their soft breath.
I have been looking at the babies, and the cute baby gear and I KNOW....I know I am ready for another one. I know there is room in my heart and I feel only peaceful joy when I think about it.
But for now.....I am just window shopping I suppose....biding my time until next summer rolls around.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A break in the clouds.....
I have finally changed the look of my blog. It had been summer on my blog, with pictures from Jessica's garden. I remember going out in the yard and looking at the flowers in the morning and remembering the depth of despair I felt in losing my precious daughter admist so much grace and beauty. I remember trying to be "present" in that garden, and feeling some solace when I could finally attain that.
But the past few weeks, I kept thinking that my blog looked out of place. It was no longer summer. It was time for a change.
I feel like maybe it's not only the seasons that have changed. Even so, I am so glad they seemingly have.
Today the evening sky finally shed its gray blanket, and so I captured it here. Maybe I too will be able to weather the storm and shed some of the gloominess.
edited to add: I think all links and comments are working now...don't know why they weren't before (maybe Blogger was having difficulties?)
But the past few weeks, I kept thinking that my blog looked out of place. It was no longer summer. It was time for a change.
I feel like maybe it's not only the seasons that have changed. Even so, I am so glad they seemingly have.
Today the evening sky finally shed its gray blanket, and so I captured it here. Maybe I too will be able to weather the storm and shed some of the gloominess.
edited to add: I think all links and comments are working now...don't know why they weren't before (maybe Blogger was having difficulties?)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Bracelet...
My bracelet came in the mail last week, but I've been trying unsuccessfully to get a picture of it. You see, it's been raining all week and when the camera's flash would go off, it would completely wash out the effect due to the reflectivity of the metal.
So here it is, and I got it here
There is also a dove charm on the underside but somehow that photo in the camera got deleted..fun.
My friend IRL who lost her 1st baby a decade ago said, "It's beautiful. It's really subtle" and then told me about the ring she used to have. I guess after four more living children and two moves, she lost is.
I like the bracelet a lot. People at first glance might just think it said my name, since it starts with the same letter. The emerald beads represent the birth stone of May. The bracelet had more options you could get, but I wanted to keep it simple.
There, I have my deadbaby jewelery like most of you already. It only took me 8 month to find something I liked.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Finding tears ...
It seems I have found my tears....
They are for all of the new women who have started blogging about their lost children. My heart aches for them.
I visited each of their blogs and read their birth stories....I can't find the words to leave comments yet, but I am deeply saddened.
If you are reading this, go and visit the babylossdirectory, read the stories, and if you can, leave comments for these women.
It seems that even though I haven't been able to find the tears for my Jessica, she has given me the tears for the others....
p.s.And there's another one not on the directory who lost her baby just a mere week ago here
They are for all of the new women who have started blogging about their lost children. My heart aches for them.
I visited each of their blogs and read their birth stories....I can't find the words to leave comments yet, but I am deeply saddened.
If you are reading this, go and visit the babylossdirectory, read the stories, and if you can, leave comments for these women.
It seems that even though I haven't been able to find the tears for my Jessica, she has given me the tears for the others....
p.s.And there's another one not on the directory who lost her baby just a mere week ago here
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Whole....?
I've been thinking about this over the weekend and how to put it into words.
I feel like I am becoming whole once again.
When J died, I felt like the three of us just weren't enough. There was a big hole. Someone was missing. I felt like how could we move forward ever again with someone missing who could never return? Everything we did on a daily basis, I had that feeling....like that was not how it should have been. If we went to the park, I'd think "I should be having to hold and feed an infant while watching my son play". If we went out on date night I'd think "But I'm supposed to have painfully engorged breasts and be worried about her at the in-laws." Anything I/we did wasn't enough. It felt like it could never be enough.
But something has changed in the last week. The three of us doing things together seems "whole" once again. It's not like I've forgotten about her, but rather the opposite. It feels like it's always us three plus one. She's with us. Her memory is with us. She's never gone, but always here in our love for one another. It's hard even to think about how things I do would be different. Those thoughts quickly go away. I try and imagine it, and I can't. It feels like this is how it always should have been. I guess it's a little sad to think about being whole without your daughter that would have been there.....but yet, it doesn't FEEL sad.
When I try and think about things like this, it seems like it should be sad. But the thoughts are thoughts without emotion behind them. Sometimes I even try and be sad, but I can't.
I'm sure there will be times where I can still cry about her and wish she was here.
But for now, she seems like she is always here, she was the product of our love for each other. And she will always be the big sister to whomever we will welcome in the future. I guess this is just where I am at right now. (I've even been smiling and playing with babies!!!! WTF?)
I am looking forward to the future while integrating the past and embracing the present.
All of this is very strange..........
I feel like I am becoming whole once again.
When J died, I felt like the three of us just weren't enough. There was a big hole. Someone was missing. I felt like how could we move forward ever again with someone missing who could never return? Everything we did on a daily basis, I had that feeling....like that was not how it should have been. If we went to the park, I'd think "I should be having to hold and feed an infant while watching my son play". If we went out on date night I'd think "But I'm supposed to have painfully engorged breasts and be worried about her at the in-laws." Anything I/we did wasn't enough. It felt like it could never be enough.
But something has changed in the last week. The three of us doing things together seems "whole" once again. It's not like I've forgotten about her, but rather the opposite. It feels like it's always us three plus one. She's with us. Her memory is with us. She's never gone, but always here in our love for one another. It's hard even to think about how things I do would be different. Those thoughts quickly go away. I try and imagine it, and I can't. It feels like this is how it always should have been. I guess it's a little sad to think about being whole without your daughter that would have been there.....but yet, it doesn't FEEL sad.
When I try and think about things like this, it seems like it should be sad. But the thoughts are thoughts without emotion behind them. Sometimes I even try and be sad, but I can't.
I'm sure there will be times where I can still cry about her and wish she was here.
But for now, she seems like she is always here, she was the product of our love for each other. And she will always be the big sister to whomever we will welcome in the future. I guess this is just where I am at right now. (I've even been smiling and playing with babies!!!! WTF?)
I am looking forward to the future while integrating the past and embracing the present.
All of this is very strange..........
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Strange Days...
I am in such a strange place right now.
Happy thoughts of remembering her kick inside me, touching my belly, wearing maternity clothes, expecting a little bundle, anticipating the participation in the miracle of life. I laugh at all the little things I worried about getting ready before she came, about whether I'd be prepared to handle 2 under the age of 3. Oh how I missed the point sometimes..
It happened. It simply happened to me...I'm not angry that it happened to me, most of the time I'm not even sad that it happened to me, it just happened to me.
Everyone will have loss in their lives. Many will have children and they will die before the parents. It happens. I don't wonder why it happened, because it just did.
These feelings are strange.
I feel like she has prepared me for life....for life with disappointment, grief and above all resilience. I also appreciate everything and everyone more.
I'm not saying that there was a "lesson" to be learned from her death (as if she died to teach me a lesson) but I have learned a deeper appreciation of the people I love as well as I am not as selfish as I was. I never thought that people could really change who they are, such as temperment, but I can say I am not the selfish person I was (not that I was just living for myself or anything).
Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is owed. The universe is not fair, but blind. Can we tip the odds in our favor, certainly. But sometimes it's all a crap-shoot. But only the fool plays to win (and expects to). But we still play.....we still play
Happy thoughts of remembering her kick inside me, touching my belly, wearing maternity clothes, expecting a little bundle, anticipating the participation in the miracle of life. I laugh at all the little things I worried about getting ready before she came, about whether I'd be prepared to handle 2 under the age of 3. Oh how I missed the point sometimes..
It happened. It simply happened to me...I'm not angry that it happened to me, most of the time I'm not even sad that it happened to me, it just happened to me.
Everyone will have loss in their lives. Many will have children and they will die before the parents. It happens. I don't wonder why it happened, because it just did.
These feelings are strange.
I feel like she has prepared me for life....for life with disappointment, grief and above all resilience. I also appreciate everything and everyone more.
I'm not saying that there was a "lesson" to be learned from her death (as if she died to teach me a lesson) but I have learned a deeper appreciation of the people I love as well as I am not as selfish as I was. I never thought that people could really change who they are, such as temperment, but I can say I am not the selfish person I was (not that I was just living for myself or anything).
Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is owed. The universe is not fair, but blind. Can we tip the odds in our favor, certainly. But sometimes it's all a crap-shoot. But only the fool plays to win (and expects to). But we still play.....we still play
Monday, January 14, 2008
Where you are..
Where you are it's all butterflies and daisies
Soaking up the warm sun and feeling lazy
Where you are it is day all the time
The grass always grows green and the sun always shines
But I am not there, you know
I can only dream and think of where you go
Where you play and laugh and coo
Where you roll and slide and "boo!"
Where you are there is no dark
There is no danger of a broken heart
Where you are there is only love
Floating on gossamer like a snowy dove
For you are forever in a warm embrace
A smile of happiness upon your face
Where you are I cannot reach that high
But think of you when someone cries
Your proud mama through and through
I will always think of you.
Soaking up the warm sun and feeling lazy
Where you are it is day all the time
The grass always grows green and the sun always shines
But I am not there, you know
I can only dream and think of where you go
Where you play and laugh and coo
Where you roll and slide and "boo!"
Where you are there is no dark
There is no danger of a broken heart
Where you are there is only love
Floating on gossamer like a snowy dove
For you are forever in a warm embrace
A smile of happiness upon your face
Where you are I cannot reach that high
But think of you when someone cries
Your proud mama through and through
I will always think of you.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
8 months
Today is 8 months since I birthed Jessica. Yesterday was 8 months since she died and also was her due date.
I wish I could post some beautiful sentiments about her, but right now, I just feel depressed.
This was the first month where the weekdays (Saturday and Sunday) aligned with the number days (12 and 13). I didn't even think about this, but it has affected me more....
On top of which I am sick (and rarely get sick). It's sunny outside finally (and 60 degrees) but I have been stuck in the house feeling sick and tired (haven't been sleeping again) and of course sad.
I guess this must be a milestone. But I don't remember anyone posting about it, and it just hit me, hard.
I had my seminar and I will post about that sometime, but right now, I can't.
I also ordered my first piece of dead baby jewelery today after finally finding something that I liked. I'll post pictures when it comes in a week or two.
And I am feeling really fat and wanting to be pregnant again....wanting to hope again..
It's hard to keep motivated on the weight-loss....15 more to go. How can i stay motivated? I'll just gain the weight back (but even I know that even when I watch my weight, I'll probably gain the same amount because I did the first two times)
Due to an error, I am also now the owner of toddler training underwear.....complete with pink and purple and flowers and princesses......
Dh said to just put them in the office, we'll use them eventually. To which I replied, "You don't know that"
to which he retorted, "Well, there's a 50/50 chance"
Did I mention all day I have been wanting to be pregnant? I've even passed by a mirror or two and held up my shirt and pushed out my tummy a little.
But there is no baby inside, just the healing stretch marks and loose skin..
I remember what it felt like so vividly. I love being pregnant. Every aspect of it...
I wish I could post some beautiful sentiments about her, but right now, I just feel depressed.
This was the first month where the weekdays (Saturday and Sunday) aligned with the number days (12 and 13). I didn't even think about this, but it has affected me more....
On top of which I am sick (and rarely get sick). It's sunny outside finally (and 60 degrees) but I have been stuck in the house feeling sick and tired (haven't been sleeping again) and of course sad.
I guess this must be a milestone. But I don't remember anyone posting about it, and it just hit me, hard.
I had my seminar and I will post about that sometime, but right now, I can't.
I also ordered my first piece of dead baby jewelery today after finally finding something that I liked. I'll post pictures when it comes in a week or two.
And I am feeling really fat and wanting to be pregnant again....wanting to hope again..
It's hard to keep motivated on the weight-loss....15 more to go. How can i stay motivated? I'll just gain the weight back (but even I know that even when I watch my weight, I'll probably gain the same amount because I did the first two times)
Due to an error, I am also now the owner of toddler training underwear.....complete with pink and purple and flowers and princesses......
Dh said to just put them in the office, we'll use them eventually. To which I replied, "You don't know that"
to which he retorted, "Well, there's a 50/50 chance"
Did I mention all day I have been wanting to be pregnant? I've even passed by a mirror or two and held up my shirt and pushed out my tummy a little.
But there is no baby inside, just the healing stretch marks and loose skin..
I remember what it felt like so vividly. I love being pregnant. Every aspect of it...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Quandary...
Okay, so I have a little bit of a quandary.
I am going to this educational seminar and they want me to bring in an "artifact":
"And, finally, we would like each of you to please bring an artifact that represents you, and be prepared to share your artifact “story” with the Learning Community in 1-2 minutes. Your artifact can be anything: a card, figurine, picture, letter, carved box, shell… anything that has meaning to you professionally or personally and that you are willing to share. "
I really hate these things.....and the other part of it is, I really want to bring in something of J's.
Should I do it? should I not?
Maybe if I do, then they'll stop making us do these stupid assignments.
What do you think?
I am going to this educational seminar and they want me to bring in an "artifact":
"And, finally, we would like each of you to please bring an artifact that represents you, and be prepared to share your artifact “story” with the Learning Community in 1-2 minutes. Your artifact can be anything: a card, figurine, picture, letter, carved box, shell… anything that has meaning to you professionally or personally and that you are willing to share. "
I really hate these things.....and the other part of it is, I really want to bring in something of J's.
Should I do it? should I not?
Maybe if I do, then they'll stop making us do these stupid assignments.
What do you think?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Some good news....literally!
So, my boss (being the person she is) wanted to ask me something of a "sensitive nature"...of course, my mind went everywhere. But, it turns out, she wanted to know if I had heard that they are issuing certificates for stillbirth. She didn't know if this was something I was interested in and didn't want to make me cry. I told her this was definitely something I was interested in. Then off she went and grabbed the article that she had cut out of the newspaper.
She said, "I'm just watching out for you, you know, like a mother".
How sweet. I am very grateful and thankful for this person in my life.
So I read the article but need to do more research as to how to get one....hmm...
In other news....it's raining today again and I damned near cried during my lecture on radiometric dating. *sigh* I'm used to the sunshine out here (maybe that's why I was in such a good mood yesterday)
She said, "I'm just watching out for you, you know, like a mother".
How sweet. I am very grateful and thankful for this person in my life.
So I read the article but need to do more research as to how to get one....hmm...
In other news....it's raining today again and I damned near cried during my lecture on radiometric dating. *sigh* I'm used to the sunshine out here (maybe that's why I was in such a good mood yesterday)
Monday, January 7, 2008
Dare...
Dare to dream
Dare to hope
Dare to reach, to leap, to fly
Dare to love
Dare to embrace
Dare to chance, to triumph, to fall
Dare to remember
Dare to hold
Dare to float, to wander, to run
Dare to believe
Dare to let go
Dare to keep moving, living, loving.
First day back at work(from winter break) was good. It was nice getting up, being productive...but mainly I was thankful for the opportunity to get out of the house and get out of my rapidly encroaching funk.
My students however, were still in vacation mode.
"Ms. B, can't we watch a movie today?"
Me- "didn't you do that for the past two weeks?"
"Ms. B, how was your vacation?"
Me- good, but I would have liked to get more sleep
"Oh, me too. I stayed up until 2 am last night...oh hey so and so remember....."
Me-Okay, moving on.
"but Ms. B...."
And WTF? the vicious people at the gym!? See, I belong to a rather unaffordable kind of uppty-but-in-a-nice-way-club. People are normally very courteous to each other: respecting the cardio limit while others are in line, wiping down machines, opening doors, being polite, saying "hi"...yeah, we pay extra for that. Haha. But lately I'm having flashbacks to my old big-chain-everyhour-gym....People are pushing past one another to get into the group classes, monopolizing the machines for hours on-end (pretending to glance my way and then reset the counter because they felt guilty I was standing there and they had been on it much longer than the limit), cutting in front of me to jump on the machine, leaving large sweat pools on the machines...eeewwww, leaving towels on the floor (hello! we don't DO that! Just because they have an excellent cleaning staff here does NOT give you the right to leave your crap on the floor! Pick up after yourself!!!!)....
I guess I just don't get the whole New Year's resolution thing. I mean, if you really "resolved" to do something, you'd do it- not do it for a month and then forget all about it and then make it the next New Year's "resolution" as well. But then again, I am a kind of definition/literal girl.
It's just when I resolve to do something, I do it. If it is something that I can't commit to, then I don't resolve to do it.
But that's just me. I just have to hang out until Feb. Then they will all be gone.
What an odd migration eh?
I do kind of like all the recent offerings of healthier alternatives though. The "fresco style" low-fat options at T-Bell, the new sugar-free syrup "skinny" offerings at Fourbucks. I was even pleased to see a wheat crust offering at the Take N' Bake pizza place.
...but why can't this be offered and aspired to all year round?
Okay, end rant...for now...
Dare to hope
Dare to reach, to leap, to fly
Dare to love
Dare to embrace
Dare to chance, to triumph, to fall
Dare to remember
Dare to hold
Dare to float, to wander, to run
Dare to believe
Dare to let go
Dare to keep moving, living, loving.
First day back at work(from winter break) was good. It was nice getting up, being productive...but mainly I was thankful for the opportunity to get out of the house and get out of my rapidly encroaching funk.
My students however, were still in vacation mode.
"Ms. B, can't we watch a movie today?"
Me- "didn't you do that for the past two weeks?"
"Ms. B, how was your vacation?"
Me- good, but I would have liked to get more sleep
"Oh, me too. I stayed up until 2 am last night...oh hey so and so remember....."
Me-Okay, moving on.
"but Ms. B...."
And WTF? the vicious people at the gym!? See, I belong to a rather unaffordable kind of uppty-but-in-a-nice-way-club. People are normally very courteous to each other: respecting the cardio limit while others are in line, wiping down machines, opening doors, being polite, saying "hi"...yeah, we pay extra for that. Haha. But lately I'm having flashbacks to my old big-chain-everyhour-gym....People are pushing past one another to get into the group classes, monopolizing the machines for hours on-end (pretending to glance my way and then reset the counter because they felt guilty I was standing there and they had been on it much longer than the limit), cutting in front of me to jump on the machine, leaving large sweat pools on the machines...eeewwww, leaving towels on the floor (hello! we don't DO that! Just because they have an excellent cleaning staff here does NOT give you the right to leave your crap on the floor! Pick up after yourself!!!!)....
I guess I just don't get the whole New Year's resolution thing. I mean, if you really "resolved" to do something, you'd do it- not do it for a month and then forget all about it and then make it the next New Year's "resolution" as well. But then again, I am a kind of definition/literal girl.
It's just when I resolve to do something, I do it. If it is something that I can't commit to, then I don't resolve to do it.
But that's just me. I just have to hang out until Feb. Then they will all be gone.
What an odd migration eh?
I do kind of like all the recent offerings of healthier alternatives though. The "fresco style" low-fat options at T-Bell, the new sugar-free syrup "skinny" offerings at Fourbucks. I was even pleased to see a wheat crust offering at the Take N' Bake pizza place.
...but why can't this be offered and aspired to all year round?
Okay, end rant...for now...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep
—Lyrics by Mary Frye (1932)
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)
added lyrics by Wilbur Skeels
My addition (I tried to stay true to form):
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the flower that blooms in spring
I am the dew left glistening
I am the babe you hold so dear
I am the love you feel e'er near
When you wake in morning light,
I am the dream you left that night
On brothers' faces all the while
I am brightness in their smiles
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)
And a challenge: what are you reminded in? (care to take a crack at it?) It was good putting into words everywhere I see her.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Glimpses...
The rain has lifted for a bit, and I am struck by intermittent light.
There were a few glimpses in the past few days that make me happy...the warm and fuzzy happiness.
Last night the three of us made "mini" pizzas with some pizza dough and it was so much fun. Watching my son anticipate eating his creation he made himself (olives and pinnapple) and genuniely enjoying each others' company, made me feel really good. Just oh so warm and fuzzy like this is how it should be.
And as stupid as it sounds, I caught myself smiling and being happy at my hairdresser. I had had my hair lightly highlighted a couple of weeks ago and after staring at it every chance I got, I finally decided I just wasn't happy with it this time, so I asked her if she could "fix" it. She did and when she was done and my hair looked the way it had always been (well, the way it was in high school anyways, except a little shorter), I started smiling. I felt fantastic that I looked the way I used to....and secretly hoped that maybe if I looked the way I used to, maybe I'd start to feel that way too.
Also, my hairdresser's friend had a baby 7 month old girl.....and I was fine. I didn't even feel a need to share that I would have had one around that age too.
These little glimpses are what keep me going...
There were a few glimpses in the past few days that make me happy...the warm and fuzzy happiness.
Last night the three of us made "mini" pizzas with some pizza dough and it was so much fun. Watching my son anticipate eating his creation he made himself (olives and pinnapple) and genuniely enjoying each others' company, made me feel really good. Just oh so warm and fuzzy like this is how it should be.
And as stupid as it sounds, I caught myself smiling and being happy at my hairdresser. I had had my hair lightly highlighted a couple of weeks ago and after staring at it every chance I got, I finally decided I just wasn't happy with it this time, so I asked her if she could "fix" it. She did and when she was done and my hair looked the way it had always been (well, the way it was in high school anyways, except a little shorter), I started smiling. I felt fantastic that I looked the way I used to....and secretly hoped that maybe if I looked the way I used to, maybe I'd start to feel that way too.
Also, my hairdresser's friend had a baby 7 month old girl.....and I was fine. I didn't even feel a need to share that I would have had one around that age too.
These little glimpses are what keep me going...
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Rain..
I am sitting here in my living room, in the glider I bought for Jessica, sipping hot Oolong tea and listening to the storm. Yes, even here in California we get storms. This one has brought rain and wind, and even some street flooding.
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only it were not the winter of my life and instead returned to summer..
If only...
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only it were not the winter of my life and instead returned to summer..
If only...
The Rain..
I am sitting here in my living room, in the glider I bought for Jessica, sipping hot Oolong tea and listening to the storm. Yes, even here in California we get storms. This one has brought rain and wind, and even some street flooding.
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only...
As I'm sitting here, the house is rather dark because of the clouds, and very quiet because my son is napping. While I sit here, I am daydreaming of summer. Of hot sunny days, of summer fruits and veggies, playing in the pool, and being hot and blissfully pregnant. I can see myself watching my son play in the park while I stop every so often to touch my belly, in a time where being pregnant is a little bit of a secret.
Yes, I can see it so vividly.
If only it were sunny and not stormy. If only I had a new little someone inside with new promise rather than thinking about the promise that was broken. If only I were happy instead of just making it by day after day.
If only...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The Nitty Gritty
Okay, here's a nitty gritty check-in
The Positives:
-held my friend's baby boy and it was no big deal (I even smiled at him)
-lost another couple of pounds (yay!)
-have worked out everyday since last Friday
-I don't really have "baby" fever anymore. I really want to get my body back because I was so glad I did after the first because I tend to gain the same amount AND I had minimal discomfort because my muscles were pretty strong
The Negatives:
-past two day's I've had caffeine
-haven't been sleeping much (can't get to sleep until 12:30 and then my son has been getting up at 5-hence need for said caffeine)
-been feeling kinda sad...but it's really kind of undefined gloom
-I have tons of things to do before I go back to work next week
-the big storm is starting to come in (and it's supposed to rain for days...)
-trying not to get "burnt out" on my exercising
-everyone around me is either pregnant or trying and we are neither (I feel like we are being left behind. Even in deadbabyland) Okay, maybe not EVERYONE, but it feels that way
I wish I could think of more positives to balance out my list. Maybe I'll think of some more and just add them in later
I apologize for the boring weight-loss postings...it just kind of gets all-consuming when you are in the midst of it.
The Positives:
-held my friend's baby boy and it was no big deal (I even smiled at him)
-lost another couple of pounds (yay!)
-have worked out everyday since last Friday
-I don't really have "baby" fever anymore. I really want to get my body back because I was so glad I did after the first because I tend to gain the same amount AND I had minimal discomfort because my muscles were pretty strong
The Negatives:
-past two day's I've had caffeine
-haven't been sleeping much (can't get to sleep until 12:30 and then my son has been getting up at 5-hence need for said caffeine)
-been feeling kinda sad...but it's really kind of undefined gloom
-I have tons of things to do before I go back to work next week
-the big storm is starting to come in (and it's supposed to rain for days...)
-trying not to get "burnt out" on my exercising
-everyone around me is either pregnant or trying and we are neither (I feel like we are being left behind. Even in deadbabyland) Okay, maybe not EVERYONE, but it feels that way
I wish I could think of more positives to balance out my list. Maybe I'll think of some more and just add them in later
I apologize for the boring weight-loss postings...it just kind of gets all-consuming when you are in the midst of it.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year Ambivalence
It may be too early to tell, but so far, I am rather ambivalent about the New Year.
New Year's Eve was pretty low-key. DH and I went to a French restaurant for a decadent meal. I'm happy to say that although I felt like a weirdo, I ended up ordering a salad and soup as my main entree, while watching DH consume a 5 course meal. But overall I was pleased that I didn't over-do it on my "diet". I did have Creme Brulee for dessert, how could I not? and we did share a little cheese fondue as an appetizer.
I had a couple of glasses of a Pinot Blanc (hadn't ever heard of that before) and listened to a little French ensemble.
The rest of the evening was spent with a few friends and watching them drink and be merry. I wasn't drinking, so I just tried not to think too much about what would have been different.
But so far, the New Year is not really impressing me. There are too many balls in the air. Will my mom get a job? Will DH change jobs or will his current job get better (probably not)? Will we get pregnant? Will all the pregnant people I know right now have live babies? Will I get to teach summer school? Will I have my job come next fall? Will my son get on the waiting list for Charter School? Will my sister figure out what she's going to do now that she's graduated college? Will I lose all my weight I want to or get burnt out and have to start again? AAAAACCCCKKK....
My head is going to explode.
Where 2007 started off promising so much, 2008 is promising nothing.
I really hope that means that maybe 2008 will be good because maybe it will be bringing unexpected things?
It's the end of the first day of January and I am all stressed out about thinking about the coming year. I cannot even wrap my head around it as, like I said, we are going into it with absolutely NO promises of anything.
I guess I can't get pissed if things don't work out because nothing was presumed guaranteed, right?
How will I ever get to sleep?
New Year's Eve was pretty low-key. DH and I went to a French restaurant for a decadent meal. I'm happy to say that although I felt like a weirdo, I ended up ordering a salad and soup as my main entree, while watching DH consume a 5 course meal. But overall I was pleased that I didn't over-do it on my "diet". I did have Creme Brulee for dessert, how could I not? and we did share a little cheese fondue as an appetizer.
I had a couple of glasses of a Pinot Blanc (hadn't ever heard of that before) and listened to a little French ensemble.
The rest of the evening was spent with a few friends and watching them drink and be merry. I wasn't drinking, so I just tried not to think too much about what would have been different.
But so far, the New Year is not really impressing me. There are too many balls in the air. Will my mom get a job? Will DH change jobs or will his current job get better (probably not)? Will we get pregnant? Will all the pregnant people I know right now have live babies? Will I get to teach summer school? Will I have my job come next fall? Will my son get on the waiting list for Charter School? Will my sister figure out what she's going to do now that she's graduated college? Will I lose all my weight I want to or get burnt out and have to start again? AAAAACCCCKKK....
My head is going to explode.
Where 2007 started off promising so much, 2008 is promising nothing.
I really hope that means that maybe 2008 will be good because maybe it will be bringing unexpected things?
It's the end of the first day of January and I am all stressed out about thinking about the coming year. I cannot even wrap my head around it as, like I said, we are going into it with absolutely NO promises of anything.
I guess I can't get pissed if things don't work out because nothing was presumed guaranteed, right?
How will I ever get to sleep?
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