Irate..

I am have the best F@#*ing day....NOT!!!
It started at 3am when my son thought it was morning and crawled into my bed
It continued at 4 when he woke up in his bed and was crying in his sleep
It escalated as I got ran off the road by a cement mixer who did not feel the need to use his turn signal before he swerved into my lane, almost on top of my car (luckily I swerved into the center turning lane)
The height was during 1st period when a student decided to defy and argue with me
I was livid by 2nd period when another student decided to argue, defy, destroy class property (man I was ready to wring both of their necks!!!)

Do NOT MESS WITH ME!

Add in some things from this weeek.
I am stewing over a conversation with one of my playgroup moms.

She said, "we have missed seeing you guys at playgroup"

me, "yeah, I work now. And it's been hard especially this month because of J's six month anniversary"

She said, "so h..h...howsyourhealth?"

Me, "my what?"

She, "your health"

Me, "my health? my health is fine, why?"

The conversation then went onto how it was so hard having two now, and around week 5 and 6 were really touch and go and blah blah blah... you get the drift

I am reminded of why I need not miss playgroup and it's interactions..I wouldn't have even called her, except that I am participating in the adopt-a-family outreach that our playgroup signed up for.

...and I'm craving chocolate and don't have any around..yikes!

edited to add: F$%K, the last woman in our group just gave birth to her happy healthy baby. OH, and she took the name that I was wanting to name Jessica for my entire pregnancy. Out of the 16 women in my playgroup, 15 were pregnant this year and only I didn't get to keep mine (the other woman is only having one by choice) I'm going to go cry now.. This sucks and I am not happy for them...all they do is complain about their children

Hypopregdriac

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I could convince myself of being pregnant with the minimal amount of symptoms.
Today it was the cold milk guzzling.....
I don't even like MILK!! I've been using soy in my cereal and such but had to have the real thing...weird.
I guess my diet will be screwy for a bit.
Everytime I feel unmotivated, I just think, "my baby died. I don't have the baby to go along with the weight"
Oh and did I mention that a couple of weeks ago, a grocery cashier had THE NERVE to ask me when I was DUE!?!?!and she sounded so confident.
Maybe because I have lost weight in my face in arms, but not too much yet in my belly. After the first baby, the pounds melted off and I got within 5 lbs of my pre-prego weight. After the second.....it's hard. Like my body is wanting to hang onto it....onto her..

Still, the milk thing is weird. Oh my, I think I'd have another right now if I could afford the calories.

So far, I seem to be eating between 1500 and 1800 kcal a day and burning by exercise about 450-700 per day
Oh and tonight I made some meat-less Asian-style lettuce wraps that were pretty tasty. I don't eat a lot of soy, but thought I'd try a new product made from tempeh and mix it with water chestnuts and kale.

*That* Smell

Today it's missing that smell of soft receiving blankets,
A warm being inside, sleeping peacefully
Little pastel onesies all folded up nicely
Baby socks that don't stay on kicking feet
The smell on the top of the head of peach fuzz that intoxicates

And why does my mind wander every time I see a little pink spotting mid-cycle?
Luckily, I don't have anymore PTs to torture myself with (and yes, I'm on BC pills again so this isn't a possibility)

Strange Days...

These are strange days. I'm up, I'm down. Well, maybe not "up" but not "down". Neither here nor there.
I escaped T-day relatively unscathed. The day after proved to be an entirely different event. Mostly, because we visited part of the family that we didn't on T-day. And in doing so, caught up on all the gossip.
Dh's cousin is now 8 weeks pregnant.
Dh's brother's wife just found out they are pregnant (but SHHHH! don't tell! *yeah right*)
and Dh's cousin and wife are TTC

And all of this nicely packaged gossip was all handsomely gift-wrapped with a sparkly bow that posed the question, "so, when are you guys going to be announcing some good news?"

Tactfully, I replied, "Next summer. I want to lose all the baby weight and time it with the school year so I can continue working part-time at my job teaching"

The night, however, was where the fatal blow of popcorn finally struck down that brick wall (after having been bombarded all day with popcorn kernels). That night's dinner included a guilted grilled-cheese sandwich, tomato-basil soup, and two glasses of deep red wine.

Turkey Day

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I was supposed to have my baby girl here for Thanksgiving.
I was supposed to be grinding up little tastes of food for her to sample
I was supposed to be nursing her under the table
She was supposed to be sleeping in her little pink carseat while we all sat around with family
We were supposed to be this perfect family
I was supposed to be so happy...

Can we just call the whole thing off?

How I Get My Groove Back....(hopefully)

I have now been on my supplements and new diet for 4 days and am really starting to feel pretty good. I happened to weigh my self last night (on an empty stomach) and was the same weight I was in August. So all my dieting (south beach) and regular exercise has gotten me nowhere. This really does indicate that my hormones are not in proper balance (that and cross-checking my cycles symptoms)
I have revised my plan a little to help me get my groove back. What I would like to see happen is increased energy, increased metabolism, weight-loss (20 lbs goal), stable mood (no depression), regular cycles, my sex drive back, increased strength, and a flatter tummy.

How will I attempt this do you say?
Well, here is my plan of attack
-vegetarian (mostly vegan) diet
-Eating 6 meals of around 300 calories each (as per this site per day
-limiting fat to no more than 50 grams per day
-supplements (FertileAid, Evening Primrose, Fish Oil, B complexes)
-40 min of low-intensity Cardio 4 times a week
-55 min Pillates Reformer classes 2x per week
-90 min Bikram (hot) Yoga classes 2-3x per week
-64 oz or more of water per day
-limited sugars, caffeine
-back on BC pill

My plan is to reach my goals at the end of 4 months, but realistically we have 6 before we TTC, so there is some time there if I need it.
I think this is do-able. Okay. Ready..Set...Go!

"____" steps

I am feeling much better today.
My mood is a little more level.
My pee is flourescent yellow, but oh well. That is the work of those fabulous Vitamin B complexes.
I really think the Evening Primrose Oil, Omega 3 Fish Oil (yes, it's not vegetarian, but if it works, it works), and Timed release Vitamin B complexes are working.

We'll see.
Thanksgiving is on Thursday, so that will be the test.

I feel like I can be "me" for awhile without being a preggers (you know, with a baby inside and all that). If I take my time and do this right, and work this out..
This is such a small piece of my life in the grand scheme of things. What is a year? What is a lifetime?

I want to be 90 years old, sitting on the porch with my children, grandchildren, and great-grand children looking at a photo album, reflecting on this time in my life with love and peace in my heart...

Surplus

This year, I hadn't planned on working. And with two children I had planned on being "strapped" a little when it came time for holiday shopping.

Now I am working AND we only have one child to spoil...

so it feels like we have a surplus of money.

In my head, I imagine Christmas morning, a pile of presents under the tree, my son in the middle...and yet somehow, there is a gaping hole between the wrapped gifts.
Somehow I know that even if we tried to buy more gifts to fill in the hole, it would still seem empty.

Just like my heart.....gaping hole.

Buzzing.

I have somethings buzzing around my head and feel the need to get them out.
First of all, I think I am getting depressed. It is not that I have sad thoughts, it is just this physical "down" feeling that sometimes leads to me crying or feeling nauseous. It has been getting progressively worse the past month.
It could be any number of things, but this makes the most sense.
I am tired all of the time. I can't seem to get that "up" feeling (especially since I gave up my routine cup of joe and glass o'wine)

After doing some research, here is my plan of action.
-going back to vegetarian, mostly vegan diet
-increase omega 3s
-increase vitamin B complexes
-possible evening primrose
-continue doing 40 min of Cardio 4 times per week
-continue 1 hour Pillates strength training 2 per week
-lots of water per day (72 oz or more)
-limited sugars

Last time I was vegan I was in college and was vegetarian up until the time I got pregnant with my son. Living in a house of meat-eaters, this isn't going to be easy for sure.

I don't want to go on medication if I can help it. I'd rather treat it naturally if possible.

and of course, with the holidays around the corner, it is certainly not helping any.

Storm.

I feel like a storm is brewing. As if the brunt of the worst has not yet come. How that can be, I do not know. But life is life....good things happen...but so do bad.

I think my thyroid is crashing...yes, I'll go get that blood work done, but it's hard with a toddler.
this scares me...
it could be other things of course, like depression or maybe I'm fighting off a bug.
Who knows? I certainly don't.
My last two cycles have been 22 days with a 5 day LP
I'm tired by 8 o'clock
I'm working out (40 min or so of cardio 4 times a week and strength training 2 times a week), and watching what I eat and my pants are getting tighter around my middle
I just don't feel great.
I gave up coffee two days ago, I'm trying to get back to veggetarian/mostly vegan eating. I've been drinking between 84-96 fl oz of water a day..
Wait and see.
I have to keep trying. I can't give up.

And there it hit me....hard.

Stuck in morning traffic. The brake lights came on and I crept forward, relieved that the bulk of my commute was finished. I had dropped off my son and now just needed to make the next 3.6 miles to school. Suddenly, though, somehow, I realized that just at that time, 7:48am I was sitting on my hospital bed in shock.
Hemorraging at the waist down, but also in the heart. My heart had been ripped out, and the only anguished sounds that were left were a woman crying out for her beloved child.

At the suggestion of my boss, I am looking for a "ritual" I can do. I am thinking of lighting a candle. I guess the Jewish candles last 24 hours....
I need a ritual.
What rituals do you do or have thought of doing?

today is six months.....

The Path...revisited

The path of life,
Winds round and round.
Sometimes it is crowded,
And sometimes you are left very solitary.
Sometimes you are are caught in the sunshine,
And sometimes the darkness.

You leap;
You stumble;
You sprint ahead;
You tire;
You linger.
You keep on again.

There is joy
And there is heartache.
It is complicated
And yet beautiful.

As long as we keep on going,
There is the hope that our efforts will be recognized
And ultimate goals attained at the end.

Those goals perhaps,
May have changed from start to finish.
Some may have remained the same.

We keep plugging along.
We cannot idle on the path very long,
For when we do, we die.

O Where O Where has My Little "Snark" Gone?

I just don't feel like the snarky comments and responses to careless words are needed anymore, especially amongst friends.

It's like that fire that was lit and was so bright
is now an ember and smoldering.

I'm to the point where I just want to let it "be"

I don't feel a need to "correct" anyone anymore. They all have forgotten and somehow that doesn't seem to bother me anymore because I have not forgotten and that is all that matters.

Let it be. I guess I must be closer to that "peace" part I read about. How strange I never thought I'd get here, especially so soon.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

-The Beatles

Day

I'm having a day, let's see.
My students disappointing me....check
By boss being disappointed in me.....check
My son being cranky and tired because of a time change....check
Not being very nice or attentive to DH.....check
...
and to top it all off, the looming sense of sadness. I'm just sad
and disappointed.
I have so much to be thankful for, but somehow, today I feel like an utter failure.
Go away.
Just go away.
I need to get the sadness out somehow. Where are those tears? Get it out! I'm sick of it. OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The frantic need to escape......and the disappointment that I cannot escape myself.

Quiet.

It is strange to be around all our other friends because now they have two kids under the age of three.
Apparently, after you have more than one it "gets really hard"......and no, I don't need anyone to reiterate this comment for the hundredth time, while I try and silence the inevitable launch of snarky and bitter comments which ensue inside my head. Luckily, I am able to contain them and keep them there, while remaining civilized.

There must be some element of truth though, because as we were eating dinner at a local pizzeria with friends, I felt like on their side of the table, was mass chaos and on ours, for the most part, there was calmness and order (well, at least when you have them side by side)

We are the only ones who didn't jump into the raging, crowded, noisy, choatic, yet seemingly full of merriment pool in the heat of the summer....
We are left standing on the diving board.
We tried to jump...but didn't
The quietness of the open air on the board is stunning.

Edited to add: I guess it's not that I "silence myself" but that the snarky comments don't come. I almost miss them as evidence to a passion for reminding people that their bubbles are not indestructible. But somehow, I guess I don't really silence the comments at all, but silence the desire for the comments to come. I guess this makes no sense at all but after re-reading and thinking about the night, I don't know why I put that I was trying to silence them. It was only after, when writing the original post that I thought to include this detail. As if it was somehow "missing" from my recount of the event.....strange.

Frustrated.

Argh.
Tonight, I am very tired of being me.
Please, can't I be someone else for a few hours?

Care to Walk?

It's comforting to know at least one person wants to walk in my shoes (maybe not a mile)
These days, it really is the little things and just being "present"
Walking in the crisp fall air. Feeling the warmth of sun on my skin, contrasting with the slight chill of a breeze as it lightly brushes the little hairs on my arms.
Smelling the leaves as they dry and fall off the tree, rotting on the ground.
Being present.
Try it.

Precious and Waiting

First the Precious.
Yesterday we had a heck of a Halloween. My son's preschool went to the pumpkin patch in the morning, had a party in the afternoon, he got to see the fire engines on display at the fire house AND to top it all off, go trick or treating.
As we were getting ready for bed and taking a bath, I asked him,
"so what was your favorite part of today? Was it the pumpkin patch or the party or the fire trucks or trick-or-treating?"
he shook his head.
"no, mommy."
"No, which part was your favorite part of today out of everything we did?"
"Mommy"
"Being with mommy all day was your favorite part?"
"yes"

Ahhhh.....


In other news, I think I'm going to decide to wait before embarking on TTC.
If we wait until June or July, then I could still go back to teaching and have a full 6 months at home. Plus, I could lose those pesky 10 lbs, get my hormones and cycles regulated, and not start to stress about the timing of everything.
So I'm going to wait.

I've also caught myself saying weird things lately like, instead of saying doing something with A, I say "kids"....plural and in the present and future context. It's really messing with me.