Ramblings and Confessions...

Little G (the baby) was awake last night until 3:30. While lying in bed around 7, I started to daydream about little dresses. See, I have a confession to make. When we were expecting J we had a shower. Since she was a 'she' and A is a boy, people bought her little girl outfits. My confession is that I am a horrible returns person. Many of the styles I was gifted with I just didn't like, and since they had a return label from M.a.cys (who has an easy returns policy) basically all that could go back, did. And I picked out all the cute little girl stuff I wanted for J to my heart's content. There was one dress I splurged on..it was a little big (18 mos size) but I'd figure she'd be big enough to wear it the following Easter. It was blue and fluffy in a soft way; it didn't have scratchy nylon underneath to puff it up. I think I had a dress similar to it when I was little. When J died, I decided to take it all back (yet again). There was no way of knowing if/when we would be blessed with another child and if it would be a girl. But I hesitated to take back the blue dress. In the end Dh convinced me that it was silly to hang onto it, not knowing what the future held. I spent the returns card on A, since he was my living child.
While I was in my sleep deprived stupor, mindlessly thinking about how I HATE blue for boys and pink for girls and much prefer green for boys and purple/blue for girls, I thought about all the things I would probably never have. See, even though I am 'young' as they say and could have another if Dh changed his mind about having two, I don't think I could go through with it again. This pregnancy was so hard. I did everything I could every single day to stay sane. But the worry.....the constant worrying that your child could suddenly die inside of you without warning and in an instant was terrifying. I don't think I could do another pregnancy again. And while I didn't necessarily think of myself as 'brave' even though others said I was, I do now. So to all you loss Mamas who have had a subsequent pregnancy, or the courage to simply try again, you are all immensely brave-probably much more than you realize.

Grief's a bitch..

While I am so in love with this little one, and over the moon he is here, I keep thinking this should have been my life 2 years ago.
I'm starting to feel like an old pro at this baby stuff again....but still, I should have been doing this 2 years ago.
Did I really have a deadbaby daughter? Did she really exist?
If she did she is so far away from me now...
I am in disbelief that I had a deadbaby, but also in disbelief that I have a LIVE baby.
Maybe I'm just tired, or hormonal. But have I said lately how much I hate this grief shit? Can't I be done already?
oh no, I can't. ..it will always be there...the bleeding hole in my heart. Stupid thing about rainbows....they only happen when it has been raining.

My Little One..

We're home! Yay!
Little Man was born screaming Jan 21, 2010 at 8:38pm after an almost 12 hour induction
7lbs 12 oz, 19 inches long
I am so incredibly happy and relieved, but still worry about him constantly.

I have been thinking since last night (well, maybe crying) that why couldn't J have made it safely like this one has? Why? Why couldn't I have kept all of them? It's funny how you think this would relieve the grief, but instead, it stirs it right back up.
There is no way this is a 'replacement' baby. They are so different in my heart. I think the shrinks are all wrong about that label.
A mother's love is endless and complex enough to hold all her children separately. Thanks for all the well-wishes! You have all helped me get here.
I'll post the birth story at some point, but for right now, I'm going to try and catch up on some sleep.

Rainbow baby

My little sunshine is here safe and sound! We are both doing well and hope to be discharged today. More to come later.

Plans...

I used to be a planner. I LOVED to plan. I planned my whole wedding in about two weeks. I planned all our vacations. Of course that all changed.
It changed when I planned to let my body go into natural labor and birth J.
It changed when I had to birth a deadbaby instead
It changed when I went back to work when I was planning on being a stay at home mom of two
It changed when I planned to get pregnant but then it took longer.
It changed when I had an early miscarriage and was devastated all over again.
It changed when the Clomid didn't work
It changed when I gave up and went back on BC

In short, I now avoid making plans. In fact, the prospect of making long term plans causes me some amount of real anxiety. But....sometimes plans need to be made.

My doctor is allowing me to be induced 10 days before my due date. This happens to be next Thursday. I go in the morning, and then leave with a live baby the next day. At least that is the plan.
We have told the family. And, since it has been confirmed that no children are allowed in the hospital, certain planning had to account for where my son will be and who will be watching him. It is exciting, except, that planning a week away...well, things could still happen.
This morning he wasn't moving. I woke up at 4am, poked and prodded. Nothing. I got up, ate, had some juice, sat and waited; nothing. I finally went back up to bed and fell back asleep thinking, "stupid me, I made plans and I should know better." But then Tash's voice(I think it was Tash but maybe it was Julia) entered in saying "don't believe in jinx, don't believe in jinx". I woke up and he was moving.
Thank God.
And now he is still moving.
I just have to make it one more week. Hang in there baby!

Stupid Paranoia...

'A' took a 'big brother' class today. Although it was a class for the children to ask questions, I timidly raised my hand to ask one that I forgot to ask my OB at the last appointment. And since the facilitator was a birth coach for the hospital, I figured she ought to know.
I asked if kids were allowed in the waiting rooms/recover rooms. Since the outbreak of H1N1 many of the hospitals have enacted a rule that says children under 16 may not enter the hospital.
She said 'no, they aren't'.
I started to lose it. Tears filled my eyes, I could feel my face go flush. And while she kept on teaching the children, I, for a brief moment thought in my stupid little head, "If it were two years ago instead of today, he would be allowed to hold this baby in the hospital. It should have happened two years ago".
Stupid me.
A was too young then to understand what was going on. He didn't go to the hospital, he doesn't know he had a sister who died. Maybe one day, when he is much older, I will tell him the story. But right now, I want him to hold onto that innocence. The innocence I lost.
And so poor A looked up at me, while trying to change the diaper on the baby doll, with that look of worry. The looked that begged "mommy, what's wrong?". I forced a smile and got up to get a glass of water. Later I told him why I was sad. I told him it was because he would not be there in the hospital, and I was sad about that.
No matter that he's been vaccinated for the H1N1 since the beginning of October, he will not be able to be there.
I thought about getting a doctor's note from his pediatrician, but Dh is doubtful that would change the policy.
Stupid paranoia....aren't there other things to be concerned with?

So close..

I saw my Dr. today and am 1 cm dilated, which is something at least.
As long as I progress, we will schedule an induction in 2.5 weeks from now.
I just have to hold my breath until then...

Reliving...(update)

After crying for over an hour last night I came to the conclusion that this has to be OK.
He has to be born alive.
And then I knew deep down in my soul that he will be.
I have to believe that.

Reliving... (disclaimer...this is a hard post but I have to write it)

Let me start out by saying I am not 'freaking out'.
But...
I have started to really think about the labor process again. It is a reality that hopefully I'll face in 3 weeks or less. And it is bringing back the memories.
I haven't really thought about Jessica's birth in a long time, but lately I have remembered the details as if it happened yesterday.
Except that when I picture it, I'm not taking part in the process, I am viewing it as if I were watching a movie. Or maybe I was a bystander.
I watched while they inserted the IV with the Pitocin.
I watched while they pre-ran the epidural line for when I would need it.
I watched while I tried to sleep, but couldn't. How I wished I were dead. How I wished I were the one dead and not she. How I would have given anything for to have lived instead of waiting to birth her lifeless body.
I started to feel uncomfortable and we started the epidural.
And there was talking
And I was dilated to 10 but we were going to wait a little longer until she came down a little more...to make it easier.
I gave two pushes and she was out.
I was surprised she was warm. Death should be cold. But she was in my warm body.
Dh thought to dress her. We took pictures. Family members held her We waited for my mom to come (she had to drive a couple of hours)
And then they took her away.
And we were left with the decisions one makes when someone dies.
I was numb
Dh made the decisions. He made the arrangements. I went, but I was not there.

We said our final good-byes at the crematorium. We arranged to be there when they did it. Dh wanted to see her taken care of to the end. I didn't want to go. Dh said I didn't have to, he understood. But I did have to. And then I looked through the small window at the flames.

......