Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Nieces....
I have a niece. She will be 2 this summer. She seems happy when I go over there, but it just dawned on me that I don't know her.
She was born after J died. I was blissfully buzzed at SIL's shower for her. It was the first shower I had attended since J died. It just doesn't seem right. They have financial troubles, SIL has health problems when she becomes preggo. It just doesn't seem responsible to 'plan' for another child when you already have two you can barely take care of. And yes I'm going to say it here because I can't say it aloud: It doesn't seem responsible when WE are financially secure. I DON'T endanger my own health while pregnant. We are a house where we don't yell obscenities at each other, fight with one another, have mental illnesses like bipolar disease. We own a home; we have jobs; we are educated. Our little girl was so wanted and would have been so spoiled in a good way. And yet, SHE got to keep hers. She got to keep her little girl who will likely grow up poor and in debt, with a mom and half brother who are bipolar, surrounded by verbal abuse between her parents.
Life is not fair. I know this. It's not HER fault. I know this. She is the first and only granddaughter of the family.
I should get to know her more.....I'm going to try. She is my niece and she may be the closest thing to a little girl I have.
But I need to find a way around the bitterness.
She was born after J died. I was blissfully buzzed at SIL's shower for her. It was the first shower I had attended since J died. It just doesn't seem right. They have financial troubles, SIL has health problems when she becomes preggo. It just doesn't seem responsible to 'plan' for another child when you already have two you can barely take care of. And yes I'm going to say it here because I can't say it aloud: It doesn't seem responsible when WE are financially secure. I DON'T endanger my own health while pregnant. We are a house where we don't yell obscenities at each other, fight with one another, have mental illnesses like bipolar disease. We own a home; we have jobs; we are educated. Our little girl was so wanted and would have been so spoiled in a good way. And yet, SHE got to keep hers. She got to keep her little girl who will likely grow up poor and in debt, with a mom and half brother who are bipolar, surrounded by verbal abuse between her parents.
Life is not fair. I know this. It's not HER fault. I know this. She is the first and only granddaughter of the family.
I should get to know her more.....I'm going to try. She is my niece and she may be the closest thing to a little girl I have.
But I need to find a way around the bitterness.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Crushing..
Sometimes it feels as if my world is crashing in on me..
My MIL has started chemo; my FIL is being so overprotective, it's rather uncomfortable.
My mother got rear-ended and the insurance companies won't give her money to fix her car, calling it 'totalled'. She can't afford a car payment. We're trying to buy her a car, but she is resisting.
I can't make my sister's graduation of grad school because of the day/time/location/kids
Dh is having issues with people at work, not sure if he will stay. If he stays, he might continue to be unhappy as these people are making it very difficult for him
I'm getting the preliminary paperwork that looks like it's leaning toward me getting a final layoff notice early next month
I can't find time to study for the GRE or even look at applications for nursing school.
My to-do list for my son's birthday parties is so long and daunting, hence I have procrastinated even more
Mother's Day is coming....the 3 year anniversary of the loss of innocence is coming.
I loose weight, then gain some, then loose some, then gain some.
When I am anxious I eat. Then I look in the mirror and hate myself.
The house is clean, then it is messy, then clean again.
I make dinner one night, then not the next, then maybe the night after that.
Two steps forwards...one or two or three back.
The good parts of the day, the things that get me through, are looking into both my sons eyes. One pair is full of newfound critical judgement, finding reason in everything. The other is filled with wonder of seeing new things every day..every minute
Why can't it ever be easy?
I hate problems that can't be solved...round and round they go in my head. I hate time that has to be found, and yet I can't catch my breath.
It's weighing me down...I want to cry. I want to talk. But to who? The people involved are the ones that I would normally talk to. Even so...still no answers...no solutions...I hate this.
My MIL has started chemo; my FIL is being so overprotective, it's rather uncomfortable.
My mother got rear-ended and the insurance companies won't give her money to fix her car, calling it 'totalled'. She can't afford a car payment. We're trying to buy her a car, but she is resisting.
I can't make my sister's graduation of grad school because of the day/time/location/kids
Dh is having issues with people at work, not sure if he will stay. If he stays, he might continue to be unhappy as these people are making it very difficult for him
I'm getting the preliminary paperwork that looks like it's leaning toward me getting a final layoff notice early next month
I can't find time to study for the GRE or even look at applications for nursing school.
My to-do list for my son's birthday parties is so long and daunting, hence I have procrastinated even more
Mother's Day is coming....the 3 year anniversary of the loss of innocence is coming.
I loose weight, then gain some, then loose some, then gain some.
When I am anxious I eat. Then I look in the mirror and hate myself.
The house is clean, then it is messy, then clean again.
I make dinner one night, then not the next, then maybe the night after that.
Two steps forwards...one or two or three back.
The good parts of the day, the things that get me through, are looking into both my sons eyes. One pair is full of newfound critical judgement, finding reason in everything. The other is filled with wonder of seeing new things every day..every minute
Why can't it ever be easy?
I hate problems that can't be solved...round and round they go in my head. I hate time that has to be found, and yet I can't catch my breath.
It's weighing me down...I want to cry. I want to talk. But to who? The people involved are the ones that I would normally talk to. Even so...still no answers...no solutions...I hate this.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Time...
I had this whole happy post composed in my head yesterday. It was about how lucky I feel to have two boys. How wonderful it is to have them and be able to mother them. How I finally feel I'm getting the hang of this being a mother of two, a wife, a caretaker of the household, domestic goddess...blah blah.
I'm not sure if it is last night's margarita I indulged in, but I started to think about the passage of time and it made me cry. My son's 5th birthday is in two weeks. I'm in full party planning mode. But this morning I stopped to think. 5 years. 5 YEARS!!! My 'baby' is 5 years old. Where has the time gone? Where are those wasted moments in between that I swore I'd make it up to him, to myself. And yet, here we are...and it's too late.
And then I think....SHIT. Jessica would have been almost 3....no longer a baby, turning into a little person with thoughts and hopes and dreams...FUCK....time.. In a month, it'll be 3 years..
Then I think of G....he is so young, such a baby, already 3 months. Soon he will be 3...then 5. What will I do? Why can't they stay the way they are? So cute, so fresh. The simple joy I feel of watching him giggle and laugh will be gone. He'll be an angry teenager soon enough.
My babies...
What will I do when they're moved away, all grown? When the 20 years of my life have revolved around them. How happy I am to be the one to care for them. It defines me... what will I do?
Will I feel the loss of two sons? As if they were taken from me like J?
Please time stand still, let me stay in these moments of happiness for just a few moments longer.
I'm not sure if it is last night's margarita I indulged in, but I started to think about the passage of time and it made me cry. My son's 5th birthday is in two weeks. I'm in full party planning mode. But this morning I stopped to think. 5 years. 5 YEARS!!! My 'baby' is 5 years old. Where has the time gone? Where are those wasted moments in between that I swore I'd make it up to him, to myself. And yet, here we are...and it's too late.
And then I think....SHIT. Jessica would have been almost 3....no longer a baby, turning into a little person with thoughts and hopes and dreams...FUCK....time.. In a month, it'll be 3 years..
Then I think of G....he is so young, such a baby, already 3 months. Soon he will be 3...then 5. What will I do? Why can't they stay the way they are? So cute, so fresh. The simple joy I feel of watching him giggle and laugh will be gone. He'll be an angry teenager soon enough.
My babies...
What will I do when they're moved away, all grown? When the 20 years of my life have revolved around them. How happy I am to be the one to care for them. It defines me... what will I do?
Will I feel the loss of two sons? As if they were taken from me like J?
Please time stand still, let me stay in these moments of happiness for just a few moments longer.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sadness..
Although it was a day filled with fun stuff for the kids and family gatherings, today was sad.
I started thinking about G's birth and my labor. I can remember the hours and how it happened; the events leading up to and the events in between. Then my thoughts wandered to Jessica's birth and labor. And I don't remember. I remember when they hooked me up and gave me the dry line for the epidural and I remember holding her lifeless body in my arms. But it bothers me I can't remember the rest. Maybe it was the half dose of Am.bien they gave me that I ended up tripping out on. Maybe it was the shock. But all those hours between the start and the finish are gone....wasted time. I know there was at least six hours in between those two events, I just wish I could remember them. Today I was also down that my MIL has cancer and just started chemo. I hate that she has to go through this. I hate that they try to pretend things are normal when they are not. I hate that I can read the fear on their faces. My MIL is the sweetest lady, always putting others before herself and I just wish she didn't have to do this--go through this. The tension and fear in the air made me cry- not because I was afraid she'd die, but just for her having to go through this awful thing...
On the positive side..
G is getting so big and I love him so much. I love the smell of the top of baby fuzz on his head. I love his smile. I love his giggle. And in those moments, it makes the grief so much more bearable. While filling the kids' Easter baskets, playing mother of two boys, I almost believed for a moment that that was who I was- a mother of two. It scares me how real this feels. I finally have the family I had wanted. And it kills me a little that their giggles and hugs make me forget for those moments that I am a mother of three. But I am happy---over the moon-honest to god-happy.
It's not all roses or sunshine or rainbows. I know that it's hard and not easy or effortless. But if losing a daughter has taught me one thing, of many, it is that being a mother is hard. Once you have a child in your womb, you are forever changed. You forever make sacrifices. Having two that I can hug and squeeze in person makes it completely worthwhile to where you forget the work that tirelessly loving can be. Being a mother is exhausting in so many ways, but having my living sons turns me into a puddle of grateful goo. They have to take in the extra love I had for J. Because her love is still so real it has to materialize. I just hope my boys can soak it all up for her.
I started thinking about G's birth and my labor. I can remember the hours and how it happened; the events leading up to and the events in between. Then my thoughts wandered to Jessica's birth and labor. And I don't remember. I remember when they hooked me up and gave me the dry line for the epidural and I remember holding her lifeless body in my arms. But it bothers me I can't remember the rest. Maybe it was the half dose of Am.bien they gave me that I ended up tripping out on. Maybe it was the shock. But all those hours between the start and the finish are gone....wasted time. I know there was at least six hours in between those two events, I just wish I could remember them. Today I was also down that my MIL has cancer and just started chemo. I hate that she has to go through this. I hate that they try to pretend things are normal when they are not. I hate that I can read the fear on their faces. My MIL is the sweetest lady, always putting others before herself and I just wish she didn't have to do this--go through this. The tension and fear in the air made me cry- not because I was afraid she'd die, but just for her having to go through this awful thing...
On the positive side..
G is getting so big and I love him so much. I love the smell of the top of baby fuzz on his head. I love his smile. I love his giggle. And in those moments, it makes the grief so much more bearable. While filling the kids' Easter baskets, playing mother of two boys, I almost believed for a moment that that was who I was- a mother of two. It scares me how real this feels. I finally have the family I had wanted. And it kills me a little that their giggles and hugs make me forget for those moments that I am a mother of three. But I am happy---over the moon-honest to god-happy.
It's not all roses or sunshine or rainbows. I know that it's hard and not easy or effortless. But if losing a daughter has taught me one thing, of many, it is that being a mother is hard. Once you have a child in your womb, you are forever changed. You forever make sacrifices. Having two that I can hug and squeeze in person makes it completely worthwhile to where you forget the work that tirelessly loving can be. Being a mother is exhausting in so many ways, but having my living sons turns me into a puddle of grateful goo. They have to take in the extra love I had for J. Because her love is still so real it has to materialize. I just hope my boys can soak it all up for her.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
This has got to be a disgusting joke!
I received the following article from a La. Lech.e Leagu.e representative and it got me so angry! So if you gals want something to be angry about today, go ahead and click on it. It's all about how bottle-feeding an infant mimics death of an infant (rather than breast-feeding).
Personally, I think this is a load of Bull...How can you compare bottle-feeding a healthy live infant to the loss of a child and the empty hole that will always be there.
How did THIS article get any sort of credibility? Are people really buying this?
And more importantly, how can we put a stop to the offensive propaganda?
Personally, I think this is a load of Bull...How can you compare bottle-feeding a healthy live infant to the loss of a child and the empty hole that will always be there.
How did THIS article get any sort of credibility? Are people really buying this?
And more importantly, how can we put a stop to the offensive propaganda?
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