Purge......

Picture 40 moms, selling their best kids and baby stuff.
That's what I did.
Well, some of it.
It felt good to purge some stuff. I think I brought the least amount of stuff, but also only had a few items left at the end. I even ended up making a couple of hundred dollars.

Ran into people I haven't seen in a year. One is pregnant and due next month. And got wind that another one might have had either a misscarriage or stillbirth (couldn't get the exact date) and possibly of twins. That news sucks....
My very pregnant sweet coworker showed up and got the rest of the things she needed, and so I felt happy that I told her about the sale.

I was going to buy a Willow Tree figurine from a woman because I wanted it for Jessica's shelf and we got to talking and I shared my story....she had just lost her mother a few weeks earlier and then insisted that I take it and refused the cash I had in my hands. I was touched. She was touched. We both almost cried.

It was good to sell and buy and give and receive.
As if for a short time, the world was balanced somehow. Without having to think about the environmental hazards in the production and disposal of all these perfectly usable quality items.
Almost makes you never want to buy anything NEW again...

Seriously....?!?

6:02 am The first mistake I made today was getting out of bed.
7:08 already running late to work
7:15 realize I forgot to eat breakfast
7:25 stuck in traffic, found out later it was because someone hit a deer on the freeway
7:58 everyone laughs at me in the staff meeting for wanting to nominate a certain kid for senior awards
8:05 find out that someone heard the deer was still alive and on the freeway, suffering probably...
8:20 Logged onto mommy forum only to read that someone suffered two consecutive miscarriages....and was reaching out for help and information
8:30 student starts to pick a fight about going to the bathroom, when she was already late.
8:35 student thought he heard the word "edible" and ate part of a poison Oleander flower that another student brought in for lab
8:40 student breaks frosted glass disk on brand new microscope
8:45 realize I didn't bring any "supplies" and Aunt Flo was still visiting
8:50 I think a student smells like weed
9:05 Accidently bang my face(with glasses on) on one of the tables while getting up
9:20 Student decides to argue with me why we are not going to the computer lab today (because he wasted time yesterday and the day before!)
9:30 A student's soda explodes all over my floor. (nevermind the fact they aren't supposed to drink soda)
9:45 Two students decide it would be a good idea to pick up scissors and pretend to joust
10:15 Student makes a comment about how I am "grumpy" and seem "stressed"
10:30 Fire Alarm goes off
10:35 False Alarm, but even though the sound is off, the bright light is still flashing at an epileptic rate
10:40 Migraine
10:55 Get chewed out by boss because I didn't send the scissor students to the office(well, one in particular), also found out that the boy I thought smelled, didn't have anything, and just stinks. He was searched.
11:10 Student who I was going to nominate for an award apparently just ripped a schedule off my door in the hall
12:15 Go to pick up my son and find out that they put him in a Pull-up rather than keeping him in the underwear, fed the kids McD's because they were "good" at the store, and when I got there they were watching TV.

ARGH.

It's getting cloudy. I better stay indoors for fear of lightning.

Epidemic...

Seriously, is everyone pregnant right now?
SERIOUSLY???

I wish I was in the third trimester, waiting to bring home a new baby.

That little warm bundle, wrapped in soft cotton....love at first sight, the ultimate prize.

Wish I had one now, rocking it to sleep, feeding him or her.

I WANT.....

I have baby fever baaaaaaaddddddddd. And all the preggos running around IRL and URL do not help me.
Like having chocolate cravings, being on a diet, and yet having them in the house.

1 Year....

So how does 1 year feel?
Sad...
Just sad.
The saddness returns. The grief returns.
The unexpected rushes of saddness and uncontrollable crying even returned (last Friday night)
Up....down.....up....down....down....

I am reminded of how this grieving stuff really sucks.

But...unlike before, I KNOW it will get better. And so I wait. I wait for the good days to come again. I wait for the peaceful days to come again.

It's just so unbelievable the passage of time....and yet still, I am here without her. Except now everyone expects you to be "over it" to a degree. It's a bit peculiar to them when you get teary eyed unexpectedly and need to find a quiet place to just cry uncontrollably. Or even yell...."My baby....my baby!!"

A year....

and soon two

and soon three...

time passes...it has to. It has to keep going.

And so do we.

But not too far away we can feel as if it were yesterday....

Thanks

Thank you all for remembering my Jessica. I think the hardest part about having a year's time go past is that people forget.
Some unexpectedly great things were the friend that wanted to take me out to lunch, another who just checked in (I hadn't said anything about the anniversary to either of them), the boss who asked how I was doing, the cooworker who thought I should take the time out for me that day.

I thought that after the diasterous Mother's Day I had on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday would be a piece of cake.
What finally got me was the eCard my friend sent me with a poem about my Jessica.
I cried, and then I looked through her things on the shelf, and then I posted her picture here.

I can't believe a year has gone by. A big chunk of time.
I am so emotionally exhausted this week (although to tell the truth, last week, overall was worse emotionally for some reason).
So much time......a lifetime

Most days, I am just coasting; taking the daily triumphs and failures in stride as they come along. Just riding the wave....

Happy Birthday

Dear Jessica,
I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I will never forget you and your presence, how I knew you.
On this day I never knew I could feel so much love and yet so much sadness. You came into this world and were gone too soon from us.
I know your life has meaning and there was a purpose for why you had to leave so soon, even though it is left unrevealed to us.
I love you so much.
You are never to far from my thoughts.
I cherish the memories always.
And so today I will celebrate your life; one that was so pure and so peaceful from the very beginning to the end. I hold you in my heart so tightly because I cannot hold you in my arms.
You are my beautiful baby girl, forever and always.
Happy Birthday Baby!

Love,
Your mama

Jessica Anne
born still May 13, 2007
8 lbs 4 oz 20.5 in

Silence....

How long will I keep this silence?
How long will I go on, believing that people will remember....believing they can restore my faith in friends and family

The sounds of silence are deafening
and on the inside I am still there, screaming, crying in my bed. Feeling those same emotions I did almost a year ago when I came home from the hospital without my baby

I have no plan for Tuesday.

Silence my mind...silence my heart...

May Day

It is May....
I'm feeling better. I'm feeling I can make it through this month one step at a time head-on.
Thank you for all of your kind words and thoughts, even the ones who didn't comment.

It's funny how today is "May Day" and it's the start of my "mayday".. Or maybe that is a little too punny for today.