'Round My Head

We can prepare for the future
but we can never plan for it

Perspective...

After many conversations, I think I am slowly starting to believe again. I have been ruming over the concept, going back and forth between "accidental universe" and "designed universe".
Deep thinking, and of course emotions connected to those feelings.

Finally, I am prescribing to the 'meant to be' philosophy. When I look at my life, how could I not think this? This has been the case. When one door closed, another opened, and then later that door would close and another open. It doesn't seem very logical that is random at all. Believing in the randomness of the universe is much easier by all means.

I've said it before, but I had the perfect pregnancy. It would make sense then, since no fault can be placed on any living being, that the event of my daughter dying on her due date, during the early stages of labor, had to of been random. For awhile, I abandoned many of my beliefs and prescribed to this "universal randomness".

After interviewing many people who are 20 to 50 years my senior, many of them have relayed to me their lives and experiences and how they have come to believe what they believe. It is interesting that as their chronological age increased, their belief system became more intact. I have often wondered why many elders, who have never believed in anything (at least publically) before, now towards the ends of their lives, prescribe to a religion. I always thought that it was a fear of dying and that being "it"...the end of the road. Now I think maybe that it was their perspective. That after they look at their lives, it makes sense. As one person put it, "it all works out in the end. I don't even worry about the future because the answer will eventually present itself. Everything is meant to be".

Of course "meant to be" still hits that hard twang in my heart strings, but I have been thinking about it a lot. She was meant to be. I don't pretend to know the "whys", or the purpose, but saying that she was meant to be and that what happened was meant to happen is a very powerful thing. Make no mistake, I take no solace in thinking that my daughter was meant to die, but I do think that, for right now, it makes sense that this was meant to happen

I feel a huge relief in this. The answer will present itself eventually, I'm just relieved, that there is indeed an answer.

Not funny.....!

I think my cervix is mocking me.

EWCM....check (and a ton! I don't know if I've ever seen that much!)

High CP ......check (I kept reaching and reaching and it was hiding! *or so soft it wasn't there at all)

I have never had such strong signs!

But wait......

BC.......check

TTC.....nope

And so no, I do not think this is funny and do not enjoyed being mocked.


Also I am reading this book that has awesome graphic pictures and descriptions. I highly recommend it.

Teachable Moment....?

When I looked outside my classroom window this morning, I smiled. It was going to be a sunny day, which was what I needed to do my "Greenhou$e E##ect" experiment.
After a failed trial run in 2nd period, I made some adjustment to the placement of the thermometers during third. And yes, I dragged them out there to help me.
But a couple of the boys were oddly distracted and noticed, as they grotesquely spit into the little ditch that fills up in the winter, that there were squiggly things in the water that swam out from their hiding places when the surface tension was broken.

"Eeew gross!! Look at all of them!"

"Yes, yes they're larvae. Have you brought your lab book for the experiment over here?"

"No, but LOOK! What KIND of larvae?"

I peered into the ditch.

"Looks like mosquito lavae to me. Now come over here we need to take these temperatures"

This went on a few minutes longer and so I thought, ok, let's get the little buggers out of the ditch and take a look. Sure this was E@rth Sc!ence and not B!ology, but they were curious, right? (And getting high school boys to be interested in science is often a challenge normally)
Upon examination of the specimen, we concluded that there were several larval beings present, mainly the mosquito. Of course this launched into a discussion on We$t N!le virus and other things these insects can spread to humans. They were all fired up over it. I went and got the principal and had them voice their concerns to her. (She loved this of course *kids being engaged in school and all*) and suggested the class draft and sign a letter to the superintendent, asking for something to be done.
They got so into it, and all signed their names so readily to the piece of paper.

In my previous posts, I talked about how I have learned so much from losing Jessica and it seemed like people often equated this with either "she died for a reason" or "I needed to learn a lesson". Neither of these was ever what I meant, but could not find the right words.

Today it got me thinking about this again. The outcome in today's class was not planned, not in the lesson, not even on topic or in the right subject. But there were definitely teachable moments in there and the kids learned something. It would have been foolish to ignore their natural curiosity and desire to learn something science related. It would have been foolish not to take advantage of those very clear "teachable moments".

And so I have to say that Jessica's death was unplanned, unexpected and not even in the same realm of anything that I had anticipated, but I definitely learned many things from that single event in time.

Resilience....?

It seems like throughout my life, there has always been some hurdle to overcome.
And yet, life goes on.

I feel like this was another hurdle of sorts. I had to unexpectedly say goodbye. I had to pick up the pieces that were left and try and make sense of them

When I look back, this is not a new process.
This makes me think that unscathed, shiny happy people don't exist. How could they?

With each day I feel saner. I think survival of the fittest is being able to acknowledge and move on.

I lost my baby and in the words of our pest guy, yes, "that screwed [me] up bad for awhile".

I still think about her everyday, in wonderment that she was here for such a brief time. I think of her when the flowers start to bloom or the morning sunshine begins a little earlier when the world is still quiet.

But look at all I still have! I wonderful Dh, my son, family and Dh's family, a fulfilling job with an understanding boss, not as many friends as I used to, but hey...

I've got enough pieces to be able to piece them together and make sense of what is important in the here and now.

Official...

Weigh in today revealed that I am officially below the weight I was pre-preggo #2 ten more to go until pre-preggo weight #1.

Of course it helps that I am sick and have no appetite....although it's a bummer I haven't been able to hit the gym

everything else going ok, except having massive preggo envy. I love being pregnant and can't wait until it happens again!

Is it summer yet?

Solved.....

There is no sense to this madness,
just hope that love continues to exist,
beyond the barriers that have been constructed,
both real and unknown.

Clinging to love so fragily we continue to endure.
The hope that binds us still, forgives us
Love is absolute truth

Hoarder......?

I think I am a closet hoarder (pun intended) of little baby girl clothes. It has become a compulsion. I see cute baby girl clothes and I have to look, hold them up, imagine....

Except now I know two people expecting girls. Which gives me the "reason" to actually BUY the clothes....

Once purchased and home, I then have the compulsion to KEEP the clothes for myself...you know, for the next baby.

So today, I gave my coworker an early baby gift (she's due in June). But I couldn't just let them sit in my house because it'd increase the chance I would sneak into the garage and put them away into a box.....for later

She thought it was so sweet....and HOW THOUGHTFUL.
But I know the truth, and so do you, that I have an addiction to the baby girl clothes....you know, for the daughter I imagine having.

(and on a side note, she was really surprised because she just thought that would be a very hard thing for me to do, being that it hasn't been a year, and she has done everything to not flaunt it in my face, and I thank her for that)

Forward....

It's the little things I look forward to each day. Hugging my son, playing in the park, going to the gym.........
and the big things: summer.......TTC...
It's good to look forward to something, anything at all...forward is good, yes?

Closer...

It's getting closer...

I'm now at the weight I was when we found out we were pregnant with Jessica. Looking down at the scale, this was very strange, and somewhat sad.

March 1 marks the last month of BC...then two months of natural cycles and then.....

The weather has felt like spring. I think it got up to 75 degrees F yesterday...this also makes summer seem so much closer..