Last night DH let me go shopping without my son and I had all sorts of fun, but still got a little strange.
Me: oh wow, that was really on sale
clerk: yes we are having some good sales right now
Me: yeah, I'm buying new clothes because my old ones don't fit me anymore because I just had a baby 6 weeks ago.
clerk: oh, congratulations! boy or girl?
Me: Girl, but she died.
clerk: oh, I'm sorry. That'll be $--.--.
Me: Okay, I have some store credit. I figure I better get something out of returning all the baby crap. Sorry, I'm a little bitter.
clerk: That's ok. I'd be too.
Poor girl. I don't know why that just came out of my mouth. Blah.
So tonight I get to pick out an outfit from my new clothes (and I bought things with slinky stretchy fabric so that although they look great now, they'll look great after I loose more weight as well).
I'm having a little girls' night out and we're going ballroom dancing. I'm soo looking forward to it!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
In a Funk
I think the progesterone is kicking in an AF is on her merry f$#-ing way.
Why you ask? Because..:
*moody, kind of downish and sadish (yes, I'm aware these are not true words)
*sleepy, no matter how much caffeine
*feeling fat and probably retaining water
*bloated (oh how glamourous)
*some twinges , maybe even crampy
I hope this means it's coming soon, or else I'm probably just losing my mind.
I feel like just curling up and lying in bed all day.
Blah
Why you ask? Because..:
*moody, kind of downish and sadish (yes, I'm aware these are not true words)
*sleepy, no matter how much caffeine
*feeling fat and probably retaining water
*bloated (oh how glamourous)
*some twinges , maybe even crampy
I hope this means it's coming soon, or else I'm probably just losing my mind.
I feel like just curling up and lying in bed all day.
Blah
Thursday, June 28, 2007
A letter to you
Dear Jessica,
I've been thinking a lot about you today. I felt you with me somehow. I miss you so much. I'm sad for what could have been. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams I had for you. I'm just sad. I miss you. I thought I had this whole mommy thing down. I knew what it was about and how to do a good job. But you have taught me how to love my children unconditionally something I really hadn't thought that much about. I'm sad and disappointed that you couldn't live up to all my expectations, but I still love you very much.
I couldn't believe what a miracle you were when we were told you were entering our lives. A perfect little girl. Our perfect family we had always wanted. And so unexpected. Now I see that your whole story was just that, unexpected from end to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I try to do too much. I am planning a mom-din for my mommy friend who is set to be induced with a little girl too. I look at little girls clothes in the store and try to imagine you in them, sometimes I succeed. I look at little girls and little infant girls and try to imagine you as them. But they are not you and I can't see any part of you in them. I almost wish that your next sibling will be a boy. There is just too much hope for a little girl for me.
You brother misses you too. Everytime we go to the gym and I drop him off at the KidClub he has to peek in the windows of the baby room and squeal about the babies. Each time he does this I get a little ping in my chest. He would have been such a good big brother to you, even at the age of 2.
So I am your disappointed and sad mommy. I feel like I had done everything for you and you still let me down. You are so stubborn. Come back to us somehow when you feel ready. We will be waiting with open arms.
I love you always.
Love,
Mom
I've been thinking a lot about you today. I felt you with me somehow. I miss you so much. I'm sad for what could have been. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams I had for you. I'm just sad. I miss you. I thought I had this whole mommy thing down. I knew what it was about and how to do a good job. But you have taught me how to love my children unconditionally something I really hadn't thought that much about. I'm sad and disappointed that you couldn't live up to all my expectations, but I still love you very much.
I couldn't believe what a miracle you were when we were told you were entering our lives. A perfect little girl. Our perfect family we had always wanted. And so unexpected. Now I see that your whole story was just that, unexpected from end to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I try to do too much. I am planning a mom-din for my mommy friend who is set to be induced with a little girl too. I look at little girls clothes in the store and try to imagine you in them, sometimes I succeed. I look at little girls and little infant girls and try to imagine you as them. But they are not you and I can't see any part of you in them. I almost wish that your next sibling will be a boy. There is just too much hope for a little girl for me.
You brother misses you too. Everytime we go to the gym and I drop him off at the KidClub he has to peek in the windows of the baby room and squeal about the babies. Each time he does this I get a little ping in my chest. He would have been such a good big brother to you, even at the age of 2.
So I am your disappointed and sad mommy. I feel like I had done everything for you and you still let me down. You are so stubborn. Come back to us somehow when you feel ready. We will be waiting with open arms.
I love you always.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Dr. Appt Update.
So I had the appointment today and it was ok, well, almost good even. Thank you all for your support. Luckily it is actually my second visit because she wanted to see me a couple weeks after the delivery to make sure I was doing ok mentally and to give me a reference for a therapist if I decided I wanted that. Also, she told her staff what happened which just made everything more comfortable because they all treated me with respect. My Dr. didn't want everyone asking about how the baby was doing and all that (because that is what they normally do). She is so thoughtful. I can't say enough good things about this person.
The only things that irritated me were that I had to wait a while in that skimpy gown(about 30 min) and started to get the feeling she was avoiding me. I mean it can't be easy on her to see me. When it happened, she took it pretty hard as well, that's just the type of person she is. She is a human being, not like some quacks. But maybe I had to wait longer because the woman to the left of me sounded like she had an infant and a toddler in the room with her and so I guess she was on more of a time limit. I think this was also her 6 week check and I thought maybe we would have even been in the hospital together and not even have known it. Having had my toddler come to an appt.once I'd be grateful if I were this other woman. Another woman on the other side of me sounded like she just found out she was pregnant (she came in the waiting room before me) and boy was she long winding. She kept talking on and on and on ....But my doctor listened to her, because that is what she does.
Everything checked out fine. After reminding her that the hospital AGAIN(a different hospital forgot after my son was born to do this too) forgot to give me a Rubella booster because I am equivalent for antibodies, she said they would have to get an authorization and that could take up to 10 days. Since we are going to start trying in the fall, I asked her if I should even get it and she said no because if I were still in that 3 month window of the booster, she'd have to recommend termination. I got chills and said, "oh no, I'd not even want to think of that". So we will do without.
As for my cycle, she said there was still discharge coming and that was probably why my cycle hadn't come back. I am also almost down to the first weight they weighed me at 10 weeks prego last time and she said the weight loss can also throw my body out of wack a little. She started to say if I don't have a period by August to call her. I said, "oh no, that's too far" and so she said end of July then, she will give me Provera if I want it and things haven't returned.
I told her all the things I was doing to get my body back its strength (vitamins, balanced diet, exercise, tummy toning exercises, sleep) and she just recommended a Kegel regime (I got a little sheet). Apparently multiple full term pregnancies can weaken that muscle and turn into incontinence in your 50s and 60s. How funny that I'm in danger of that. So I guess that is my homework. Don't want to be worrying about peeing over everything when I laugh later in life (because I think when I am that old, I will find just about everything funny by then)
All in all, the appointment was fine. I actually smiled a little and laughed.
I am however, acutely aware that part of the reason it went so well was because I have a living child. I kept imagining how much worse it would have been for everyone else and you were all in my thoughts.
The only things that irritated me were that I had to wait a while in that skimpy gown(about 30 min) and started to get the feeling she was avoiding me. I mean it can't be easy on her to see me. When it happened, she took it pretty hard as well, that's just the type of person she is. She is a human being, not like some quacks. But maybe I had to wait longer because the woman to the left of me sounded like she had an infant and a toddler in the room with her and so I guess she was on more of a time limit. I think this was also her 6 week check and I thought maybe we would have even been in the hospital together and not even have known it. Having had my toddler come to an appt.once I'd be grateful if I were this other woman. Another woman on the other side of me sounded like she just found out she was pregnant (she came in the waiting room before me) and boy was she long winding. She kept talking on and on and on ....But my doctor listened to her, because that is what she does.
Everything checked out fine. After reminding her that the hospital AGAIN(a different hospital forgot after my son was born to do this too) forgot to give me a Rubella booster because I am equivalent for antibodies, she said they would have to get an authorization and that could take up to 10 days. Since we are going to start trying in the fall, I asked her if I should even get it and she said no because if I were still in that 3 month window of the booster, she'd have to recommend termination. I got chills and said, "oh no, I'd not even want to think of that". So we will do without.
As for my cycle, she said there was still discharge coming and that was probably why my cycle hadn't come back. I am also almost down to the first weight they weighed me at 10 weeks prego last time and she said the weight loss can also throw my body out of wack a little. She started to say if I don't have a period by August to call her. I said, "oh no, that's too far" and so she said end of July then, she will give me Provera if I want it and things haven't returned.
I told her all the things I was doing to get my body back its strength (vitamins, balanced diet, exercise, tummy toning exercises, sleep) and she just recommended a Kegel regime (I got a little sheet). Apparently multiple full term pregnancies can weaken that muscle and turn into incontinence in your 50s and 60s. How funny that I'm in danger of that. So I guess that is my homework. Don't want to be worrying about peeing over everything when I laugh later in life (because I think when I am that old, I will find just about everything funny by then)
All in all, the appointment was fine. I actually smiled a little and laughed.
I am however, acutely aware that part of the reason it went so well was because I have a living child. I kept imagining how much worse it would have been for everyone else and you were all in my thoughts.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Dr. Appt tomorrow
I don't know why, but I am simultaneously anxious yet excited and overall apprehensive about tomorrow's 6 week postpartum check up.
I mean, c'mon, it's not like she's going to work a miracle and bring the baby back, duh.
Imagining....imagining....fall maybe?
In my previous post I talked about how I feel when I think about Jessica and have come to the conclusion that I think of her, like my mom's mom who died when my mom was 12 years old. This woman was adopted and in foster care (I'm assuming based on the several first and last name changes), married a farmer and lived on a farm in Wisconsin, and then proceeded to pop out 12 kids in a span of less than 20 years from the 1940s to the 1950s. Man, what must that be like? She must have some wisdom I'd think. It is funny to think that in those days, it was common for women to die in childbirth(which she didn't, by the way she died of a heart condition which they think is genetic) and also the children to die very early on. And yet, this women seems to have beaten the cosmic odds.
hmm?
I mean, c'mon, it's not like she's going to work a miracle and bring the baby back, duh.
Imagining....imagining....fall maybe?
In my previous post I talked about how I feel when I think about Jessica and have come to the conclusion that I think of her, like my mom's mom who died when my mom was 12 years old. This woman was adopted and in foster care (I'm assuming based on the several first and last name changes), married a farmer and lived on a farm in Wisconsin, and then proceeded to pop out 12 kids in a span of less than 20 years from the 1940s to the 1950s. Man, what must that be like? She must have some wisdom I'd think. It is funny to think that in those days, it was common for women to die in childbirth(which she didn't, by the way she died of a heart condition which they think is genetic) and also the children to die very early on. And yet, this women seems to have beaten the cosmic odds.
hmm?
Monday, June 25, 2007
This sucks.
I have baby fever BAAAAAD.
or rather, prego fever BAAAAD.
Must be patient....must be patient....must be.....ooooh prego no, I mean patient.
ARGH
But NO I don't want to hold anyone else's baby thank you very much. Yours slobbers and looks at me funny.
Yes, I'm weird.
or rather, prego fever BAAAAD.
Must be patient....must be patient....must be.....ooooh prego no, I mean patient.
ARGH
But NO I don't want to hold anyone else's baby thank you very much. Yours slobbers and looks at me funny.
Yes, I'm weird.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Emotional Check-In
This week was OK. Overall, I feel like things are starting to feel like they are getting back to normal. *I* am starting to feel more like myself (and consequently finding more about who that is)
The lows:
Monday- being around my friend and her two boys. It doesn't help that she is always dumping the 9 month old on me. I tried to go to lunch with them, but got there and excused myself. I honestly just didn't feel like dealing with the "left-out" feeling right then
Wednesday-Oprah and the gym incident, enough said.
Friday-rearranging Jessica's things on the shelf and looking through all of it. I wouldn't necessarily call this a low because while I did cry, I felt like it was good that I can still cry and just feel this deep sorrow.
The rest of the week I felt pretty good really. It helped that we were having an event at our house and so there was so much to do and people to visit with, that I
kept busy.
****
A new feeling is developing as well. When I think of Jessica, most of the time I just feel this presence, this wisdom. It is as if she has opened me up to feeling wiser and more earthly, and more knowing. Before I felt like I was almost invincible; that I could do and accomplish anything. Now I know that I can't. I have limitations just like everyone else. Up to this point, I have lived an exceedingly charmed life. But now I realize just how precious and timely everything is. The rose colored glasses have broken and although the world is less sparkly and shiny, there is a deeper beauty in looking at the pure raw truth. I can only liken it to Monet's paintings where before everything was this fuzzy wonderful dreamlike landscape and now suddenly I can see the details and the flaws and although everything is in high definition- it is still beautiful.
I feel myself being more "present" here. I wouldn't say it feels necessarily "good" but it feels "now" and that feeling is a sharp warmness.
The other day as I was watering my garden, I became acutely aware of the sensation of the cool water of the hose hitting my bare feet in the sunshine. I knew then that all was here. I was in the past, present and future at the same time and not only that, but I knew that these three friends were with me the whole time, working together, even though I could only see one of them at any given time. This made me feel secure and at peace and most importantly "whole".
I finally "get it". I am not one person. I am every person. and We are everything.
I know some might think I've gone off the philosophical glass-half-full "deep-end" but this is just how I feel most of the time these days. I don't know what any of this means, and really, I've stopped trying to figure it out (well, mostly that is)
We'll see what the next week has in store.
The lows:
Monday- being around my friend and her two boys. It doesn't help that she is always dumping the 9 month old on me. I tried to go to lunch with them, but got there and excused myself. I honestly just didn't feel like dealing with the "left-out" feeling right then
Wednesday-Oprah and the gym incident, enough said.
Friday-rearranging Jessica's things on the shelf and looking through all of it. I wouldn't necessarily call this a low because while I did cry, I felt like it was good that I can still cry and just feel this deep sorrow.
The rest of the week I felt pretty good really. It helped that we were having an event at our house and so there was so much to do and people to visit with, that I
kept busy.
****
A new feeling is developing as well. When I think of Jessica, most of the time I just feel this presence, this wisdom. It is as if she has opened me up to feeling wiser and more earthly, and more knowing. Before I felt like I was almost invincible; that I could do and accomplish anything. Now I know that I can't. I have limitations just like everyone else. Up to this point, I have lived an exceedingly charmed life. But now I realize just how precious and timely everything is. The rose colored glasses have broken and although the world is less sparkly and shiny, there is a deeper beauty in looking at the pure raw truth. I can only liken it to Monet's paintings where before everything was this fuzzy wonderful dreamlike landscape and now suddenly I can see the details and the flaws and although everything is in high definition- it is still beautiful.
I feel myself being more "present" here. I wouldn't say it feels necessarily "good" but it feels "now" and that feeling is a sharp warmness.
The other day as I was watering my garden, I became acutely aware of the sensation of the cool water of the hose hitting my bare feet in the sunshine. I knew then that all was here. I was in the past, present and future at the same time and not only that, but I knew that these three friends were with me the whole time, working together, even though I could only see one of them at any given time. This made me feel secure and at peace and most importantly "whole".
I finally "get it". I am not one person. I am every person. and We are everything.
I know some might think I've gone off the philosophical glass-half-full "deep-end" but this is just how I feel most of the time these days. I don't know what any of this means, and really, I've stopped trying to figure it out (well, mostly that is)
We'll see what the next week has in store.
When?
Still waiting for Aunt Flo. She's so rude, she hasn't informed me of her travel plans, the Biatch. I talked with my friend a little who knows a little about losing things and she said it could happen sooner, but she knows some who it will take months for theirs to return. I have never been on this charting expedition, but I do know that until I have that first visit from AF, I'm stuck and can't really even begin to chart. I took a PT and it was negative so there's no reason AF isn't visiting.
I find myself a little envious of all of you who've had your visits already.
With my son, I was breastfeeding for 8 months and it wasn't until shortly after I stopped completely when AF came back.
I just want to get things working back to normal again.
Argh. More waiting for an unpatient patient.
Any suggestions? I have my six week checkup on wed and my friend said that I could bring on a cycle with BC pills or some other hormone thing so I'm thinking of asking my dr. about this.
I find myself a little envious of all of you who've had your visits already.
With my son, I was breastfeeding for 8 months and it wasn't until shortly after I stopped completely when AF came back.
I just want to get things working back to normal again.
Argh. More waiting for an unpatient patient.
Any suggestions? I have my six week checkup on wed and my friend said that I could bring on a cycle with BC pills or some other hormone thing so I'm thinking of asking my dr. about this.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Weird Dream-anyone care to try to figure it out?
Okay, I haven't been dreaming much, but here's what I remember from last night.
Somehow, I was missing a child and totally forgot about my half child. I'm not sure how this worked, but in my dream I always thought of her as my half child. She was a baby and I totally forgot to breastfeed her for a period of time(it seemed like months) until finally I noticed the other mother feeding her formula. It was only then that I thought I should nurse her because well, I probably still had the milk, and breast is best right? So I tried, and yes, I still had milk in my breasts and as soon as I started nursing, they just filled up with an abundance of milk. This was a good feeling for me.
The next part gets a little fuzzy. Somehow there was this bad man and he was determined to do harm to our group (I can't really remember who was in this group, other than that they felt like family). Anyways, I overheard him talking to his assistant (because doesn't the villain always have an assistant?) and he was thinking of doing something to my half child (who was now like 4 or 5 in size). I then said that I would like to take her place and he somehow cut open the side of my face and then stitched it back up again. I thought we were safe.
He and his asst. decide to leave no witnesses and hang me. I go willingly to do this. As I am hanging there, waiting to die, my group comes by and is talking with the bad man. The bad man decided that he must do more harm and that he will choose one of the young girls and have his way with her. I think that while half my face is not so great to look at (because of the slicing and the stitching) that the other half still is pretty and that I will see if he will do it to me, instead of one of them. Gasping, I offer and he accepts.
The last scene is when he cuts me down from the noose and leads me into the circus looking tent. I look over my shoulder at my family and think to myself, after he is done, he will most certainly kill me so as to cover up the DNA evidence and prevent any sort of life being created.
Creepy weird, right? I'm not usually such a morbid person so this must have something to do with the grief
Somehow, I was missing a child and totally forgot about my half child. I'm not sure how this worked, but in my dream I always thought of her as my half child. She was a baby and I totally forgot to breastfeed her for a period of time(it seemed like months) until finally I noticed the other mother feeding her formula. It was only then that I thought I should nurse her because well, I probably still had the milk, and breast is best right? So I tried, and yes, I still had milk in my breasts and as soon as I started nursing, they just filled up with an abundance of milk. This was a good feeling for me.
The next part gets a little fuzzy. Somehow there was this bad man and he was determined to do harm to our group (I can't really remember who was in this group, other than that they felt like family). Anyways, I overheard him talking to his assistant (because doesn't the villain always have an assistant?) and he was thinking of doing something to my half child (who was now like 4 or 5 in size). I then said that I would like to take her place and he somehow cut open the side of my face and then stitched it back up again. I thought we were safe.
He and his asst. decide to leave no witnesses and hang me. I go willingly to do this. As I am hanging there, waiting to die, my group comes by and is talking with the bad man. The bad man decided that he must do more harm and that he will choose one of the young girls and have his way with her. I think that while half my face is not so great to look at (because of the slicing and the stitching) that the other half still is pretty and that I will see if he will do it to me, instead of one of them. Gasping, I offer and he accepts.
The last scene is when he cuts me down from the noose and leads me into the circus looking tent. I look over my shoulder at my family and think to myself, after he is done, he will most certainly kill me so as to cover up the DNA evidence and prevent any sort of life being created.
Creepy weird, right? I'm not usually such a morbid person so this must have something to do with the grief
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Damn her again.
Usually I turn on Oprah at the gym because there is almost always something she says to make me mad and my workout more efficient....today, there was nothing to be mad about.
Somehow between trying to look away from others' screens, fight the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and subsequently the need to puke, I did 45 mins of cardio.
Somehow between trying to look away from others' screens, fight the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and subsequently the need to puke, I did 45 mins of cardio.
...in fair weather
She called me.
And after a less than pleasant greeting
she: "oh, is this not a good time to talk?"
me: "It's a fine time to talk, I'm just not sure I want to talk to you right now"
she: "ok, bye"
me: *click*
After 7 years, boy did she give up so quickly
And after a less than pleasant greeting
she: "oh, is this not a good time to talk?"
me: "It's a fine time to talk, I'm just not sure I want to talk to you right now"
she: "ok, bye"
me: *click*
After 7 years, boy did she give up so quickly
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Trying to do List
Some have "to do" lists, here is my "trying to do" list
Trying to:
1)refocus my energies on my son and husband
2)stay positive
3)not be so irritable
4)lose the baby weight while toning and strengthening
5)not to obsess over seeking out information
6)be productive during the day
7)not to feel helpless or out of control
8)be helpful and in control of me
9)not to read too much into things (i.e. my purpose, OUR purpose)
10)work on mending, retaining, and building worthwhile friendships
11)finding pleasure and beauty in the simplistic daily occurrences
12)cherish as many moments as I can, because who knows what is around the corner
13)take one day at a time
14)recognizing my little triumphs and letting go of the things I don't achieve
15)love-purely and openly
Things I have found or have found me this week:
-After talking with DH about how out of control of my own life I felt(and consequently how helpless and unmotivated), he reminded me that Jessica was a whole 'nother person of whom I had no control over. I mulled over this for a few days and now, yes, this makes the most sense. He also made the point that this type of thinking will destroy me...I agree (besides I have never been one to self destruct or spontaneously combust for that matter *ha*)
-When thinking about another baby, I have come to the realization that yes, another child could die, but to fear this to an extent to not venture out on this new journey would be as foolish as locking myself in my house, fearing the outside world and its perils. Yes, I would be safe, but I would be missing out on so much. And when I think about the other times I have been heartbroken, I have still loved and have taken that chance amidst the heartache, and have come so far because I did. I do agree that , "tis better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all".
Trying to:
1)refocus my energies on my son and husband
2)stay positive
3)not be so irritable
4)lose the baby weight while toning and strengthening
5)not to obsess over seeking out information
6)be productive during the day
7)not to feel helpless or out of control
8)be helpful and in control of me
9)not to read too much into things (i.e. my purpose, OUR purpose)
10)work on mending, retaining, and building worthwhile friendships
11)finding pleasure and beauty in the simplistic daily occurrences
12)cherish as many moments as I can, because who knows what is around the corner
13)take one day at a time
14)recognizing my little triumphs and letting go of the things I don't achieve
15)love-purely and openly
Things I have found or have found me this week:
-After talking with DH about how out of control of my own life I felt(and consequently how helpless and unmotivated), he reminded me that Jessica was a whole 'nother person of whom I had no control over. I mulled over this for a few days and now, yes, this makes the most sense. He also made the point that this type of thinking will destroy me...I agree (besides I have never been one to self destruct or spontaneously combust for that matter *ha*)
-When thinking about another baby, I have come to the realization that yes, another child could die, but to fear this to an extent to not venture out on this new journey would be as foolish as locking myself in my house, fearing the outside world and its perils. Yes, I would be safe, but I would be missing out on so much. And when I think about the other times I have been heartbroken, I have still loved and have taken that chance amidst the heartache, and have come so far because I did. I do agree that , "tis better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all".
Going through my head tonight--fitting somehow
Iris-Goo Goo Dolls
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Thursday, June 14, 2007
The cosmic lesson I refuse to learn
I feel like at any given moment on any given day, my son will be taken from me too.
And THAT is terrifying.
And THAT is terrifying.
Monday, June 11, 2007
song lyrics anaylisis help please
So, in the Eagles song "Hotel California"
the lines keep repeating in my head
"some dance to remember, some dance to forget"
except in my head it keeps repeating
"some drink to remember, some drink for forget"
What does this mean?
does it have to do with my glass of wine tonight?
or does it have to do with me realizing that yesterday she should have been (and yes, I said should and not would) one month old?
Thoughts? or am I just fishing now?
the lines keep repeating in my head
"some dance to remember, some dance to forget"
except in my head it keeps repeating
"some drink to remember, some drink for forget"
What does this mean?
does it have to do with my glass of wine tonight?
or does it have to do with me realizing that yesterday she should have been (and yes, I said should and not would) one month old?
Thoughts? or am I just fishing now?
Failed
I feel like a failure.
I failed her
I failed myself
I failed everyone else
I know these are not rational thoughts,
but then again, so are tears.
I failed her
I failed myself
I failed everyone else
I know these are not rational thoughts,
but then again, so are tears.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Wow..or not
I haven't posted for almost two days, wow.
Thing I learned this week:
I think I talk about Jessica a lot. Really, a lot. But that's what I do when I obsess over something. I talk and talk and talk..(you get the picture)
Problem is this seems to make people uncomfortable, friends, acquaintances, people I just met, ..family.
I start talking in everyday conversation, like there is nothing unusual about it. People tend to then look down at the ground. It's a little weird. Then pause. Awkward silence.
But so what?
Why shouldn't I talk? I WAS pregnant. I DID have a baby girl. Why CAN'T I talk about it?
She existed damnit! This was not just a dream.
So oh well. YOU may be uncomfortable. But I GET to talk about it. If you feel uncomfortable, that is your problem.
I like talking about her. I like telling people what happened. I like re-telling the memories of my perfect pregnancy. I do. I like talking about all the dreams I had for her. That is what moms do: TALK about their children. So why is this any different? I kind of like it when they get sad because, in a way, they are acknowledging her life. And that makes me happy. Yes, I said happy. Sure, I still cry. Maybe even every day, but most of the time it is for a few moments, and then they pass.
So if you see me on the street with the cloud over my head, better back away, or else, you'll get an earful of happy, sad, joyful and peaceful times.
I don't care. I'm just going to talk. It's my new prerogative.
edit:yes, I really took this quiz and this is how it came back. I thought it was fitting for this post:
Thing I learned this week:
I think I talk about Jessica a lot. Really, a lot. But that's what I do when I obsess over something. I talk and talk and talk..(you get the picture)
Problem is this seems to make people uncomfortable, friends, acquaintances, people I just met, ..family.
I start talking in everyday conversation, like there is nothing unusual about it. People tend to then look down at the ground. It's a little weird. Then pause. Awkward silence.
But so what?
Why shouldn't I talk? I WAS pregnant. I DID have a baby girl. Why CAN'T I talk about it?
She existed damnit! This was not just a dream.
So oh well. YOU may be uncomfortable. But I GET to talk about it. If you feel uncomfortable, that is your problem.
I like talking about her. I like telling people what happened. I like re-telling the memories of my perfect pregnancy. I do. I like talking about all the dreams I had for her. That is what moms do: TALK about their children. So why is this any different? I kind of like it when they get sad because, in a way, they are acknowledging her life. And that makes me happy. Yes, I said happy. Sure, I still cry. Maybe even every day, but most of the time it is for a few moments, and then they pass.
So if you see me on the street with the cloud over my head, better back away, or else, you'll get an earful of happy, sad, joyful and peaceful times.
I don't care. I'm just going to talk. It's my new prerogative.
edit:yes, I really took this quiz and this is how it came back. I thought it was fitting for this post:
|
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Day in Review
Morning:
The universe was crapping on us...literally.
My son had a stinky toddler blowout that somehow managed to get on DH's work clothes just as we were going to drop him off at the train for work. I somehow escaped getting any on me and successfully changing all of his clothes...or so I thought
Upon returning, the toilet overflowed which freaked my son out (I fear he will never be potty trained now due to this tramatic event whic left him screaming and crying hysterically for several minutes) And let me tell you, I have NEVER seen so much water come out of a toilet in my life! Turns out, there was no reason for it to have done this. Apparently I was supposed to turn off the water valve when this happens but was left in an indescisive stupor as to whether to calm him down first or grab towels so DH won't get upset about the soggy rotting floor.
These were the high points of my day.
The low points:
Having my friend pressure me to get into a therapy session at her/my church. Every polite excuse I tried to give her was met with some reason I needed to "take advantage of this". blah blah. I really don't feel like I need therapy at this point. Whatever...made me feel like I was "repressing" something or whatnot
Crying in the District HR department because the benefits admin was describing the benefits I'd have with this new job in the fall and she got to the point where she said, "you have just one child or..?" ...to which I had no idea how to answer that. She gave me a strange look as I started balling and I eventually had to explain this insane reaction to a dependents benefits question. (this was after talking with the HR guy who had just hired me and I somehow managed to bring up my daugher which of course left everything awkward--I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes)
Talking with my mom on the phone and somehow it came up that we were planning on trying in the fall and she said, 'well, can we not do this right now?" referring to not talking about sad things I guess. Made me feel like crap that I was making her depressed.
Laughing hysterically with my son after sampling a bottled margarita mix drink of sorts that my friend brought over last night. I swear I have no tolerance after 9 months of sobriety. He thought I was playing a game, but no, mommy was just a little drunk. How guilty I felt. Luckily we were in the process of putting him to bed.
Crying over an email from someone who asked me about baby #2 who didn't know......
Here's hopin' for tomorrow ya'll.
The universe was crapping on us...literally.
My son had a stinky toddler blowout that somehow managed to get on DH's work clothes just as we were going to drop him off at the train for work. I somehow escaped getting any on me and successfully changing all of his clothes...or so I thought
Upon returning, the toilet overflowed which freaked my son out (I fear he will never be potty trained now due to this tramatic event whic left him screaming and crying hysterically for several minutes) And let me tell you, I have NEVER seen so much water come out of a toilet in my life! Turns out, there was no reason for it to have done this. Apparently I was supposed to turn off the water valve when this happens but was left in an indescisive stupor as to whether to calm him down first or grab towels so DH won't get upset about the soggy rotting floor.
These were the high points of my day.
The low points:
Having my friend pressure me to get into a therapy session at her/my church. Every polite excuse I tried to give her was met with some reason I needed to "take advantage of this". blah blah. I really don't feel like I need therapy at this point. Whatever...made me feel like I was "repressing" something or whatnot
Crying in the District HR department because the benefits admin was describing the benefits I'd have with this new job in the fall and she got to the point where she said, "you have just one child or..?" ...to which I had no idea how to answer that. She gave me a strange look as I started balling and I eventually had to explain this insane reaction to a dependents benefits question. (this was after talking with the HR guy who had just hired me and I somehow managed to bring up my daugher which of course left everything awkward--I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes)
Talking with my mom on the phone and somehow it came up that we were planning on trying in the fall and she said, 'well, can we not do this right now?" referring to not talking about sad things I guess. Made me feel like crap that I was making her depressed.
Laughing hysterically with my son after sampling a bottled margarita mix drink of sorts that my friend brought over last night. I swear I have no tolerance after 9 months of sobriety. He thought I was playing a game, but no, mommy was just a little drunk. How guilty I felt. Luckily we were in the process of putting him to bed.
Crying over an email from someone who asked me about baby #2 who didn't know......
Here's hopin' for tomorrow ya'll.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Optimism
There is a difference between being a naive optimist and a realist optimist.
The former always hopes for and anticipates the best
The latter always hopes for the best but has learned not to anticipate
The former always hopes for and anticipates the best
The latter always hopes for the best but has learned not to anticipate
On "Trying Again"
My book came yesterday afternoon. I was so excited I started reading it that evening.
What I've learned is this:
1) cord accidents are very rare (less than 1%)
2) fatality from cord torsion and compression is even rarer
3) there is little risk of this happening again (although I will no longer be so naively optimistic)
4) I need to wait until my maternal stores have, well, stocked up so as to improve the chance of having another healthy baby
-little thought in the back of my head as to maybe as the Wharton Jelly in the cord depletes as the baby reaches term-this might have made it easier to compress? My son had a knot in his cord and they told me he was "late" by 10 days but when he came out, he was only 6 lbs 14 oz and still had some of that baby fuzz on him. My daughter jessica, of which I know the exact day of conception, was exactly 40 weeks and was 8lbs 4oz. So they must have gotten my son's date wrong. After all, I was taking B/C when we found out. I think he must have been early. Maybe it was a good thing my water broke when it did. My children I guess are just really active with their cords and whatnot. Although whoever thought it was a brillant idea to stick a helpless baby in there with three feet of rope has a really sick sense of humor.
Sometimes I feel as if people look at me and think, "what did she do wrong in her pregnancy to have this outcome" Even though I know I did nothing wrong and everything right, it still hurts to think people might be thinking this.
I don't feel guilty. When will the guilt hit? I don't really have anything to feel guilty for. Everyone says I will though, but sometimes I just think maybe I'm too rational for that? My heart is full even though my arms are empty.
I guess this now solves the three kid debate. DH always said he wanted two at the most, I wanted at least three.
Hopefully I'll win. I think I have better chances now. I guess that was a bad joke.
What I've learned is this:
1) cord accidents are very rare (less than 1%)
2) fatality from cord torsion and compression is even rarer
3) there is little risk of this happening again (although I will no longer be so naively optimistic)
4) I need to wait until my maternal stores have, well, stocked up so as to improve the chance of having another healthy baby
-little thought in the back of my head as to maybe as the Wharton Jelly in the cord depletes as the baby reaches term-this might have made it easier to compress? My son had a knot in his cord and they told me he was "late" by 10 days but when he came out, he was only 6 lbs 14 oz and still had some of that baby fuzz on him. My daughter jessica, of which I know the exact day of conception, was exactly 40 weeks and was 8lbs 4oz. So they must have gotten my son's date wrong. After all, I was taking B/C when we found out. I think he must have been early. Maybe it was a good thing my water broke when it did. My children I guess are just really active with their cords and whatnot. Although whoever thought it was a brillant idea to stick a helpless baby in there with three feet of rope has a really sick sense of humor.
Sometimes I feel as if people look at me and think, "what did she do wrong in her pregnancy to have this outcome" Even though I know I did nothing wrong and everything right, it still hurts to think people might be thinking this.
I don't feel guilty. When will the guilt hit? I don't really have anything to feel guilty for. Everyone says I will though, but sometimes I just think maybe I'm too rational for that? My heart is full even though my arms are empty.
I guess this now solves the three kid debate. DH always said he wanted two at the most, I wanted at least three.
Hopefully I'll win. I think I have better chances now. I guess that was a bad joke.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Up and Down, Round and Round Again
The scene and characters:
Tot time, or rather, a hoard of typical mommy-types with one, two or three children, and possibly knocked up sitting around talking while their children play
Me: trying not to cry while they discuss the ins and outs of being pregnant. The ones that have just had another child giving advice to the preggos ready to pop in a few months
argh. My friend suddenly has the desire to point out cuteness happenings between our sons. I quitely nod, holding back tears, while she returns to the discussions. My son was calling out "joey joey come play, come play" *I guess it was cute*
I can't remember a time where I felt so overwhelmed with feelings of simultaneous suffocation and nausium---when I was wan't pregant, that is
Barf. double barf. sob sob. barf...get me out of here I can't breathe!!!
Next scene: the gym
While on the elliptical training machine thingy I am peacefully reading the People magazine from a few months ago while keeping my heart rate in the target zone so as to effectively burn fat (or so I'm told).
Me: Okay, this is good. I'm channeling my depression and feeling the testosterone. yay. Oh shit. It's the chick from Desperate Housewives with her twins. ....Suddenly I am overwhelmed with RAGE! I want to scream, I want to hit things. Looking around I think, "hell, this is a gym right? where is the punching bag?" Seeing none, I silently think, "If I punch this picture of her, as hard as I want to, will it break the machine?". I opt to not take the chance and instead decide to run a little faster until the damn thing screams at me to "slow down to keep target heartrate". Rawr.
Luckily, getting off the machine, the rage was gone. I felt somewhat normal again.
I never did like rollercoasters...this one seems to be one that's not letting me off yet.....damn
Tot time, or rather, a hoard of typical mommy-types with one, two or three children, and possibly knocked up sitting around talking while their children play
Me: trying not to cry while they discuss the ins and outs of being pregnant. The ones that have just had another child giving advice to the preggos ready to pop in a few months
argh. My friend suddenly has the desire to point out cuteness happenings between our sons. I quitely nod, holding back tears, while she returns to the discussions. My son was calling out "joey joey come play, come play" *I guess it was cute*
I can't remember a time where I felt so overwhelmed with feelings of simultaneous suffocation and nausium---when I was wan't pregant, that is
Barf. double barf. sob sob. barf...get me out of here I can't breathe!!!
Next scene: the gym
While on the elliptical training machine thingy I am peacefully reading the People magazine from a few months ago while keeping my heart rate in the target zone so as to effectively burn fat (or so I'm told).
Me: Okay, this is good. I'm channeling my depression and feeling the testosterone. yay. Oh shit. It's the chick from Desperate Housewives with her twins. ....Suddenly I am overwhelmed with RAGE! I want to scream, I want to hit things. Looking around I think, "hell, this is a gym right? where is the punching bag?" Seeing none, I silently think, "If I punch this picture of her, as hard as I want to, will it break the machine?". I opt to not take the chance and instead decide to run a little faster until the damn thing screams at me to "slow down to keep target heartrate". Rawr.
Luckily, getting off the machine, the rage was gone. I felt somewhat normal again.
I never did like rollercoasters...this one seems to be one that's not letting me off yet.....damn
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Tally-UP
So far the comments that not only sting, but have been forever imprinted (in chronological order)
1. Did they make you hold the baby?
2. What business do you have going to the gym already?
3. I thought you'd be better by now
4. Oh, you're young, you can have lots more
really dumb
yes, I keep score, sue me
1. Did they make you hold the baby?
2. What business do you have going to the gym already?
3. I thought you'd be better by now
4. Oh, you're young, you can have lots more
really dumb
yes, I keep score, sue me
Weekends now suck
Yesterday I felt ok...maybe even a little good.
Then the weekend hits and bam..no more
Three weeks ago today she died
Three weeks ago today I cried and was sad all morning (I knew before I KNEW)
The day before Mother's Day
I knew, I called, it was too late
Tomorrow she would have been three weeks old
I feel as if it has been three years and yet just yesterday
Then the weekend hits and bam..no more
Three weeks ago today she died
Three weeks ago today I cried and was sad all morning (I knew before I KNEW)
The day before Mother's Day
I knew, I called, it was too late
Tomorrow she would have been three weeks old
I feel as if it has been three years and yet just yesterday
Friday, June 1, 2007
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
WHAT are they going to do on Studio 60?
Why do they need to have a show where the baby stops kicking.
I just don't know what's going to happen to Jordan's baby. Would they do that on national television?
I too was so calm when I stopped feeling her kick. hmm.
I'm not sure if I should watch the next episode.
Why do they need to have a show where the baby stops kicking.
I just don't know what's going to happen to Jordan's baby. Would they do that on national television?
I too was so calm when I stopped feeling her kick. hmm.
I'm not sure if I should watch the next episode.
On Motherhood. (not quite finished)
How easy to be a mother,
To hope and care for everyday,
To plan a bright future
To smile and to play
But forgive me if I say to you
You are not a true mother in my eyes
You have not truely experienced motherhood
Until you have had to say goodbye
Until you have cried for a child
Experienced their pain
Mourned for their lives however brief
No matter what age
For then you are a true mother in my eyes
No matter if the world denies
A tue mother is not neccessarily one of the living
But one who loved and had to say goodbye.
How human to be a mother
To miss the child not there
She has the strength of the world
And the weight of it she must bear
She realizes what life is then
The smiles and the tears
How comforting that the Journey
Is no longer something to fear
To hope and care for everyday,
To plan a bright future
To smile and to play
But forgive me if I say to you
You are not a true mother in my eyes
You have not truely experienced motherhood
Until you have had to say goodbye
Until you have cried for a child
Experienced their pain
Mourned for their lives however brief
No matter what age
For then you are a true mother in my eyes
No matter if the world denies
A tue mother is not neccessarily one of the living
But one who loved and had to say goodbye.
How human to be a mother
To miss the child not there
She has the strength of the world
And the weight of it she must bear
She realizes what life is then
The smiles and the tears
How comforting that the Journey
Is no longer something to fear
Flashback..
After reading Niobe's post I was reminded of the instant where we were alone in the first room just after they confirmed Jessica had passed and suddenly my doctor reached for the heart monitor again. She was able to get a heart beat that was pretty fast, as fast as a baby's. It took me a minute to realize it was my own heart beat. As if mine was beating so fast in an effort to compensate for hers (or so I thought). Of course the doctors became worried for my own health and I just sat there in awe that maybe as a last hope, my body was trying to bring her back. My doctor asked me, "do you realize your heart beat is dangerously fast right now?" and I said, "well yes, I am in shock, of course it would be". I guess it was a funny thing to say.
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