Wasn't Going to Post about this ...but here goes

So I was pregnant for a few weeks.....6 weeks if you go from LMP. I was filled with joy and contentment. We hadn't even been 'trying' yet. We were going to start trying this month. I guess that plan has gone out the window.

See, last Thursday I had a 'freak out' moment. I was emotional for no reason and broke down and called my doctor to see if I could get an HCG test to see if the pregnancy was viable before I "got my hopes up". I had the sneaky suspicion I might be getting a yeast infection so that gave me an excuse to come in anyways, right? (I got one right before we found out we were pregnant last time too).
Friday morning came and I woke up and saw red. Not a lot, but red. I told Dh not to get his hopes up yet and then started crying.
By the afternoon, I had no more blood. But what was also lacking was the slight nausea throughout the day, the intense hunger and even the little 'pouch' I had become accustomed to.

At my appointment my Dr. congratulated me.....I told her she might want to hold off and told her why. She said none of the things I told her were immediate cause for concern and 'let's take a look'. I love her optimism. But I knew.....I knew I was no longer pregnant.
What I was not prepared to see on the Ultrasound was NOTHING. As in , there was absolutely NOTHING in my uterus. No sac, no fluid.......hollow, and empty (ironic really). Doc kept saying "it could just be really early". But again, I knew..
She ordered blood tests (HCG, progesterone,Thyroid, phosolipid, antibody...and a couple others).
I asked her what to expect if I am misscarrying (I have never had one that I know of). I asked her about the possibility of ectopic and reasons why we didn't see anything. I think she wanted to cling to the hope that it was just early. She wants my happy ending as much as I do, and I appreciate her for that.
She did say it could have been a blighted ovum (fertilized egg that doesn't implant properly or stops growing).

Saturday afternoon she called to give me the results of the blood work. My HCG levels were at 200 and progesterone low. She still said, it could just be early. But I knew it was the end. I asked her how long it would take. She said when the levels got down to 0, if that is what they were going to do, I would start having bleeding. All the other tests were well within normal, and really I was glad because I was slightly concerned about thyroid (since it runs in my family).

The rest of the weekend was spent waiting around to start bleeding. And yesterday it started, and today....I'm really crampy and it is in full swing. When I was pregnant, even before I got a BFP, I KNEW I was pregnant.....and consequently I KNEW when I was un-pregnant.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I think I am more pissed off at the fact that now I can't go through with my plan to start TTC this month and the fact that I gained 3 pounds through this whole ordeal (mostly due to the insatiable hunger).

It just wasn't meant to be. I cling to the hope that if I want it that much, it will happen eventually. My birthday is Wednesday..I'm still in my twenties...so that is something

The past two nights I have indulged (if that is what you can really call it) in margaritas and my new favorite low-carb drink of diet 7-up and vodka. Tonight, it's raspberry leaf tea, in hopes that it helps alleviate some of this darned cramping.
Bottom's UP!

*oh and co-worker's baby was born healthy last week, and so was my new niece. So I guess that is good news...

What I've Got...

Of course we must go after our dreams and want what we love,
But we MUST also love what we've got.
If things are meant to be, they will be. Some things just aren't.


List of things I've got
-my adorable son who I love to pieces
-loving husband, best friend
-friends who understand
-family who is there when you need them (both sides)
-flexible job which allows me to be a mother and a teacher without feeling like either is compromised
-house with a backyard (and garden)
-financial security/independence
-dancing....which will always be there
-good health
-dreams, hopes, goals.....
-belief in the impossible.

What's your list?

Motivation...

My pep talk today.....boy do I need it

"If you don't leap you can't fly
....just leap, jump....
jump...jump damnit! You have to!Just do it! FLY!!"

6 x 6 from GITW...

Meme via Glow in the Woods

1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
I think I can safely say that before my loss, I didn't really fear anything. I thought my life was pretty charmed. Now, I fear the loss of opportunity. It's not that I dread things are going to happen (except now I know they can happen to me), but I fear that if I don't do something today, there may not be a chance to do it tomorrow.

2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way? Yes, I think of her everyday. When I think of my son, she is there as his sister. When I think about the next pregnancy, it will be my third child. When people ask me if my son is our only child, even though I may not say it, in my head I think "no, I have two"

3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported. All the family and friends that came to the memorial (including my entire playgroup), all the moms in my playgroup also brought us dinner for months...it was so nice. They also made a donation in her name on the one year anniversary (without me saying anything about the date, they remembered!)
Also, my coworker who has been pregnant has been so sensitive and supportive of me, and not flaunting her pregnancy or joy in front of me. Also my boss, who is always thinking of me and caring about how I am feeling during anniversaries and holidays.

4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
The countless heartless phrases that people say to minimalize your loss. But also how my "best friend" was not there for me....in any way....

5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?

I think the hardest to do, not again, but just to do, is to let go of that idea that you have control over things that happen. Because you don't.

6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?

I think the main difference is that 'before' I was really easy going, and afterwards, I got more sensitive to the little things, became more nit-picky, less tolerant of unthoughtfulness. It's hard to work through.