Last night DH let me go shopping without my son and I had all sorts of fun, but still got a little strange.
Me: oh wow, that was really on sale
clerk: yes we are having some good sales right now
Me: yeah, I'm buying new clothes because my old ones don't fit me anymore because I just had a baby 6 weeks ago.
clerk: oh, congratulations! boy or girl?
Me: Girl, but she died.
clerk: oh, I'm sorry. That'll be $--.--.
Me: Okay, I have some store credit. I figure I better get something out of returning all the baby crap. Sorry, I'm a little bitter.
clerk: That's ok. I'd be too.
Poor girl. I don't know why that just came out of my mouth. Blah.
So tonight I get to pick out an outfit from my new clothes (and I bought things with slinky stretchy fabric so that although they look great now, they'll look great after I loose more weight as well).
I'm having a little girls' night out and we're going ballroom dancing. I'm soo looking forward to it!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
In a Funk
I think the progesterone is kicking in an AF is on her merry f$#-ing way.
Why you ask? Because..:
*moody, kind of downish and sadish (yes, I'm aware these are not true words)
*sleepy, no matter how much caffeine
*feeling fat and probably retaining water
*bloated (oh how glamourous)
*some twinges , maybe even crampy
I hope this means it's coming soon, or else I'm probably just losing my mind.
I feel like just curling up and lying in bed all day.
Blah
Why you ask? Because..:
*moody, kind of downish and sadish (yes, I'm aware these are not true words)
*sleepy, no matter how much caffeine
*feeling fat and probably retaining water
*bloated (oh how glamourous)
*some twinges , maybe even crampy
I hope this means it's coming soon, or else I'm probably just losing my mind.
I feel like just curling up and lying in bed all day.
Blah
Thursday, June 28, 2007
A letter to you
Dear Jessica,
I've been thinking a lot about you today. I felt you with me somehow. I miss you so much. I'm sad for what could have been. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams I had for you. I'm just sad. I miss you. I thought I had this whole mommy thing down. I knew what it was about and how to do a good job. But you have taught me how to love my children unconditionally something I really hadn't thought that much about. I'm sad and disappointed that you couldn't live up to all my expectations, but I still love you very much.
I couldn't believe what a miracle you were when we were told you were entering our lives. A perfect little girl. Our perfect family we had always wanted. And so unexpected. Now I see that your whole story was just that, unexpected from end to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I try to do too much. I am planning a mom-din for my mommy friend who is set to be induced with a little girl too. I look at little girls clothes in the store and try to imagine you in them, sometimes I succeed. I look at little girls and little infant girls and try to imagine you as them. But they are not you and I can't see any part of you in them. I almost wish that your next sibling will be a boy. There is just too much hope for a little girl for me.
You brother misses you too. Everytime we go to the gym and I drop him off at the KidClub he has to peek in the windows of the baby room and squeal about the babies. Each time he does this I get a little ping in my chest. He would have been such a good big brother to you, even at the age of 2.
So I am your disappointed and sad mommy. I feel like I had done everything for you and you still let me down. You are so stubborn. Come back to us somehow when you feel ready. We will be waiting with open arms.
I love you always.
Love,
Mom
I've been thinking a lot about you today. I felt you with me somehow. I miss you so much. I'm sad for what could have been. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams I had for you. I'm just sad. I miss you. I thought I had this whole mommy thing down. I knew what it was about and how to do a good job. But you have taught me how to love my children unconditionally something I really hadn't thought that much about. I'm sad and disappointed that you couldn't live up to all my expectations, but I still love you very much.
I couldn't believe what a miracle you were when we were told you were entering our lives. A perfect little girl. Our perfect family we had always wanted. And so unexpected. Now I see that your whole story was just that, unexpected from end to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I try to do too much. I am planning a mom-din for my mommy friend who is set to be induced with a little girl too. I look at little girls clothes in the store and try to imagine you in them, sometimes I succeed. I look at little girls and little infant girls and try to imagine you as them. But they are not you and I can't see any part of you in them. I almost wish that your next sibling will be a boy. There is just too much hope for a little girl for me.
You brother misses you too. Everytime we go to the gym and I drop him off at the KidClub he has to peek in the windows of the baby room and squeal about the babies. Each time he does this I get a little ping in my chest. He would have been such a good big brother to you, even at the age of 2.
So I am your disappointed and sad mommy. I feel like I had done everything for you and you still let me down. You are so stubborn. Come back to us somehow when you feel ready. We will be waiting with open arms.
I love you always.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Dr. Appt Update.
So I had the appointment today and it was ok, well, almost good even. Thank you all for your support. Luckily it is actually my second visit because she wanted to see me a couple weeks after the delivery to make sure I was doing ok mentally and to give me a reference for a therapist if I decided I wanted that. Also, she told her staff what happened which just made everything more comfortable because they all treated me with respect. My Dr. didn't want everyone asking about how the baby was doing and all that (because that is what they normally do). She is so thoughtful. I can't say enough good things about this person.
The only things that irritated me were that I had to wait a while in that skimpy gown(about 30 min) and started to get the feeling she was avoiding me. I mean it can't be easy on her to see me. When it happened, she took it pretty hard as well, that's just the type of person she is. She is a human being, not like some quacks. But maybe I had to wait longer because the woman to the left of me sounded like she had an infant and a toddler in the room with her and so I guess she was on more of a time limit. I think this was also her 6 week check and I thought maybe we would have even been in the hospital together and not even have known it. Having had my toddler come to an appt.once I'd be grateful if I were this other woman. Another woman on the other side of me sounded like she just found out she was pregnant (she came in the waiting room before me) and boy was she long winding. She kept talking on and on and on ....But my doctor listened to her, because that is what she does.
Everything checked out fine. After reminding her that the hospital AGAIN(a different hospital forgot after my son was born to do this too) forgot to give me a Rubella booster because I am equivalent for antibodies, she said they would have to get an authorization and that could take up to 10 days. Since we are going to start trying in the fall, I asked her if I should even get it and she said no because if I were still in that 3 month window of the booster, she'd have to recommend termination. I got chills and said, "oh no, I'd not even want to think of that". So we will do without.
As for my cycle, she said there was still discharge coming and that was probably why my cycle hadn't come back. I am also almost down to the first weight they weighed me at 10 weeks prego last time and she said the weight loss can also throw my body out of wack a little. She started to say if I don't have a period by August to call her. I said, "oh no, that's too far" and so she said end of July then, she will give me Provera if I want it and things haven't returned.
I told her all the things I was doing to get my body back its strength (vitamins, balanced diet, exercise, tummy toning exercises, sleep) and she just recommended a Kegel regime (I got a little sheet). Apparently multiple full term pregnancies can weaken that muscle and turn into incontinence in your 50s and 60s. How funny that I'm in danger of that. So I guess that is my homework. Don't want to be worrying about peeing over everything when I laugh later in life (because I think when I am that old, I will find just about everything funny by then)
All in all, the appointment was fine. I actually smiled a little and laughed.
I am however, acutely aware that part of the reason it went so well was because I have a living child. I kept imagining how much worse it would have been for everyone else and you were all in my thoughts.
The only things that irritated me were that I had to wait a while in that skimpy gown(about 30 min) and started to get the feeling she was avoiding me. I mean it can't be easy on her to see me. When it happened, she took it pretty hard as well, that's just the type of person she is. She is a human being, not like some quacks. But maybe I had to wait longer because the woman to the left of me sounded like she had an infant and a toddler in the room with her and so I guess she was on more of a time limit. I think this was also her 6 week check and I thought maybe we would have even been in the hospital together and not even have known it. Having had my toddler come to an appt.once I'd be grateful if I were this other woman. Another woman on the other side of me sounded like she just found out she was pregnant (she came in the waiting room before me) and boy was she long winding. She kept talking on and on and on ....But my doctor listened to her, because that is what she does.
Everything checked out fine. After reminding her that the hospital AGAIN(a different hospital forgot after my son was born to do this too) forgot to give me a Rubella booster because I am equivalent for antibodies, she said they would have to get an authorization and that could take up to 10 days. Since we are going to start trying in the fall, I asked her if I should even get it and she said no because if I were still in that 3 month window of the booster, she'd have to recommend termination. I got chills and said, "oh no, I'd not even want to think of that". So we will do without.
As for my cycle, she said there was still discharge coming and that was probably why my cycle hadn't come back. I am also almost down to the first weight they weighed me at 10 weeks prego last time and she said the weight loss can also throw my body out of wack a little. She started to say if I don't have a period by August to call her. I said, "oh no, that's too far" and so she said end of July then, she will give me Provera if I want it and things haven't returned.
I told her all the things I was doing to get my body back its strength (vitamins, balanced diet, exercise, tummy toning exercises, sleep) and she just recommended a Kegel regime (I got a little sheet). Apparently multiple full term pregnancies can weaken that muscle and turn into incontinence in your 50s and 60s. How funny that I'm in danger of that. So I guess that is my homework. Don't want to be worrying about peeing over everything when I laugh later in life (because I think when I am that old, I will find just about everything funny by then)
All in all, the appointment was fine. I actually smiled a little and laughed.
I am however, acutely aware that part of the reason it went so well was because I have a living child. I kept imagining how much worse it would have been for everyone else and you were all in my thoughts.
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