Filed Away..

It's funny how things you don't really remember come back to you in an instance. I was watching an old re-run of the TV sitcom "Friends" and it was the episode where Rachel finds out she is pregnant. The last scene is of her and Ross at the doctor's appointment looking at the ultrasound of the "peanut" and having those dumb-happy expressions on their faces.
Out of the blue I was transported back to that room. The room where they searched and searched for a heartbeat. The room where I already knew something was wrong deep inside me, but was hoping that my instincts were wrong.
That was the room they told me they couldn't find anything.
That was the room I screamed and cried, and pleaded that they be wrong. That was the room I questioned "how" and "why" and "why me". Crying in anguish "my baby!...my baby!" over and over again like someone out of a horror flick.
And I remember the screen, when I finally got myself to look at it.
So very still.
Perfect baby doll inside.

I don't think about that moment much, or really ever. Not because I choose not to think about it, but because it was filed away in the stream of moments that day, all leading up to the same surreal result. It's funny how one word, or picture, or expression on another's face can pull up those files so quickly. The ones I had hoped would stay, for the most part, tucked away in that safe place; filed, but not forgotten.

How vividly do you remember that last heart-breaking ultrasound?

Tagged with Love....

Okay, okay, I'll do it. Thanks for the love Tash, G, and Coggs!!! Here goes:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Blonde
4. Your mother? Stressed
21. Your computer? probably hates me for abuse
22. Your mood? Doing
23. Missing someone? Everyday
24. Your car? full of papers
25. Something you're not wearing? a hat
26. Favorite store? Coffee
27. Your Summer? Miscarriage
28. Love someone? my family
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Saturday

I think everyone's been tagged by now. Antigone? A? Shaina? Monica H?Yummy? If not, consider yourself 'it'!

Progress..

All we can do is try to do better.
This Month I'm succeeding in :

not biting my nails (you can actually see white!!)
not temping (still using my monitor though)
exercising regularly
returning to my uber-healthy eating
making sure I get my 7-8 hours of sleep (providing A doesn't wake up in the middle of the night)
taking time out for 'me'
and overall, trying not to stress.

So that's progress, right?

My laugh of the day...

is when someone in my mom's group got all huffy about this ad: saying that it underminded breastfeeding.

I really did laugh aloud.

Okay, maybe it was just funny to me. Anyone? Anyone?