The Morning After.....

So I totally flipped out yesterday at the Farmer's Market. There were too many families with babies and two kids and little girls. There was a point where the music was going and it took everything I had not to run into the street and find some place to scream, hit and break things. It's just not fair. I pictured our little perfect family together. The great husband, and two precious kids, one boy and one girl....perfect. That was my reality. ...now was a dream
Today is ok. I went to the gym. that was ok. I cleaned the house. that was ok. Other than the headache I've had all day, I've been ok so far. Having stuff to do helps, I think.
I think about her all the time still. and I feel an empty void that I'm not sure will ever go away. Again, it's not fair. I took such good care of her for 9 months. Spent 9 months making plans and thinking about what a great life she would have. How she would be so cute in all the little girl dresses and then when she was older, no longer want to wear them. I had such high hopes. I knew she would be smart and probably musical in some way. I had hoped she'd be a dancer. I pictured her face in the last few weeks and she was just as I had imagined.
I hate that I feel like I am not complete. I hate that it feels like my family of three is not enough any more. It once felt perfectly complete to just be us three. Even us two, and now it just doesn't. Even this new baby I am thinking about later, it seems like he/she will be our 3rd.
It's not fair. not fair at all....