A letter to you

Dear Jessica,
I've been thinking a lot about you today. I felt you with me somehow. I miss you so much. I'm sad for what could have been. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams I had for you. I'm just sad. I miss you. I thought I had this whole mommy thing down. I knew what it was about and how to do a good job. But you have taught me how to love my children unconditionally something I really hadn't thought that much about. I'm sad and disappointed that you couldn't live up to all my expectations, but I still love you very much.
I couldn't believe what a miracle you were when we were told you were entering our lives. A perfect little girl. Our perfect family we had always wanted. And so unexpected. Now I see that your whole story was just that, unexpected from end to end. Sometimes I wonder whether I try to do too much. I am planning a mom-din for my mommy friend who is set to be induced with a little girl too. I look at little girls clothes in the store and try to imagine you in them, sometimes I succeed. I look at little girls and little infant girls and try to imagine you as them. But they are not you and I can't see any part of you in them. I almost wish that your next sibling will be a boy. There is just too much hope for a little girl for me.
You brother misses you too. Everytime we go to the gym and I drop him off at the KidClub he has to peek in the windows of the baby room and squeal about the babies. Each time he does this I get a little ping in my chest. He would have been such a good big brother to you, even at the age of 2.
So I am your disappointed and sad mommy. I feel like I had done everything for you and you still let me down. You are so stubborn. Come back to us somehow when you feel ready. We will be waiting with open arms.
I love you always.
Love,
Mom