All Is Not Lost

Today for some odd reason, the Biblical story of Abraham and Sarah keeps running through my head. Mostly how they wanted children badly and God said to wait. And after being impatient and trying to take matters into their own hands, they finally felt defeated and exhausted. It was then, when they were both really old, that she conceived a child, which led to an entire nation.

The other story that I've been thinking about is the immaculate conception. Sometimes I think this was a little of us because when we got pregnant, we weren't trying to. Actually, we were actively preventing it. And I wasn't sloppy about taking my pills because when we conceived my son, was a little sloppy about my pills AND I was given a low dose of the hormone so this time, I made them put me back on the full strength AND I took it at exactly the same time each day. This was the same pill that had worked for me for 5 years, without any hints of every being pregnant, so believe you me, I was very careful because we weren't planning on having another until another year. But of course we wanted her! She was this amazing gift! It was just so strange all the happenings. Also, I NEVER feel myself ovulate (some women do) and I know the exact day I ovulated with her because I felt this pain on my left side for several hours. I had thought at one point I might be passing a kidney stone, but this pain was more in front than in the back. My friend told me on the phone that day, "oh, you're probably just ovulating" and I said, "what? I better not be!"

The other thing I keep thinking about is how peaceful I was with her. I had this peace. I couldn't get upset really about anything. With my son, I felt rage all the time and to this day, boy does he have a TEMPER!!! He used to get so upset when he was an infant, that his face would turn blue and he would stop breathing for a few seconds. But with Jessica, I knew I had to pick out a name that would suit how peaceful I felt. Jessica was not any of the names I had picked out(or even considered) but when she was in my arms and they asked me what her name was, I blurted out "Jessica" and the middle name? DH said "Ann"
We didn't know it at the time, but when you put them together, roughly translated, they mean "HE sees grace"

So I can't help but wonder about these "occurrences". I am thinking about going to church this weekend. I haven't been in like a year because I have yet to find a church that believes in exactly what I do (another long story), but I'm thinking of going because I have a feeling I might find something there.

I am a very logical person, so thinking about all these things are bewildering me. I do accept that there are things that cannot be explained by science and over the years, I have witnessed these things over and over again.

It could be worse. I could die and worry forever about my DH and son, especially my son. There are other worse things that I can't even put into words for fear of seeing them on a page. It could be much worse.

All is not lost. I am still here.

Edited to Add: Thank you all for your comments last night. I guess it is hard for me because my life revolves around my son and we do playgroups and all of these activities and he is the type of kid who NEEDS to get out of the house every single day. And I need adult interaction or I'll go crazy. But yes, I should take it more in stride. I think I will take a break from them for awhile