The woman on the phone yesterday,
"Yes, I think we are all a bit on edge until we hear good news after what happened to you....."
Those words keep repeating in my head. Yes, after what happened to me, no one is safe.
And I do accept that it is something that happened to me. I didn't happen to do it.
***
I can't help feeling in these playgroup situations that I am the woman with the dead baby
I sit and listen to them talking about their infants or their pregnancies and sometimes they look over at me with a half grin. Yes, I am the woman with the dead baby
***
Someone commented that she's in awe that I can tell people that my baby died. I feel this is appropriate because to say she died, is to also say she lived!!! I almost say it proudly---almost. I had a baby, but she died. Also, I think this puts the action on my baby. I did not do the dying for her. In fact, if it were left up to me, I would rather her have not died. But she did it all on her own, unfortunately. And I still mull over whether this was an act of weakness on her part, or an act of strength.
***
In other news, while most dread the onset of their menstrual cycles, today, I rejoiced. In fact, it has made my day. Another step towards fall.
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8 comments:
I wish I had blogged soon after Zak died and not waited. All these thoughts your having were my thoughts. I wish I had got them out of my head instead of having them run around and around inside with no place to go.
Big hugs to you
xxx
I had twin boys very prematurely in 12/05. I lost my older son after several months in the NICU, but his brother is thriving. I know you are brokenhearted, and I wanted to let you know there was someone out there praying for you. Sending hugs your way, and praying Fall gets here for you quickly!
www.furloughfamily.com
That was me who said she was in awe. I suppose if someone asked me directly I could tell them my twins died. But if I don't absolutely have to, I try not to mention them at all.
Hi . .
Just discovered your blog. Thank you for sharing your story. I had many miscarriages, but only one after seeing the heartbeat, the others were very early. I always feel a certain connection to those that have struggled with loss in some way and I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.
Sara @ http://prenatalpatience.typepad.com
I agree with you. Saying she, "died" affirmed she lived. I'm conflicted about being with large groups of women who haven't experienced a loss. I don't think I could attend a play group date. Either they would say something that pissed me off, or their "sympathy" would piss me off. I impressed that you can attend these types of groups.
"I can't help feeling in these playgroup situations that I am the woman with the dead baby
I sit and listen to them talking about their infants or their pregnancies and sometimes they look over at me with a half grin. Yes, I am the woman with the dead baby."
You're brave – I hide from those smug mamas.
Behind the coos of sympathy, I always have the feeling that deep down these women think my baby died because I did something wrong. That way, THEIR babies will never die.
Congrats on AF's arrival. Hope she is gentle with you. She makes the mess of my insides for the first day or so every time.
I was sad the first time she showed after A died-- like that was the last thing my body needed to do to pretend all is fine. It didn't last, but yes, I was sad that first day.
And playgroups were never my scene, so I am grateful I don't have to go now. But I am about to enter the parental community for Monkey's new school, so I am sure that will be loads of fun.
I'm so sorry to read about Jessica. All best and good healing to you.
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