8 months

Today is 8 months since I birthed Jessica. Yesterday was 8 months since she died and also was her due date.
I wish I could post some beautiful sentiments about her, but right now, I just feel depressed.

This was the first month where the weekdays (Saturday and Sunday) aligned with the number days (12 and 13). I didn't even think about this, but it has affected me more....

On top of which I am sick (and rarely get sick). It's sunny outside finally (and 60 degrees) but I have been stuck in the house feeling sick and tired (haven't been sleeping again) and of course sad.

I guess this must be a milestone. But I don't remember anyone posting about it, and it just hit me, hard.

I had my seminar and I will post about that sometime, but right now, I can't.

I also ordered my first piece of dead baby jewelery today after finally finding something that I liked. I'll post pictures when it comes in a week or two.

And I am feeling really fat and wanting to be pregnant again....wanting to hope again..
It's hard to keep motivated on the weight-loss....15 more to go. How can i stay motivated? I'll just gain the weight back (but even I know that even when I watch my weight, I'll probably gain the same amount because I did the first two times)

Due to an error, I am also now the owner of toddler training underwear.....complete with pink and purple and flowers and princesses......
Dh said to just put them in the office, we'll use them eventually. To which I replied, "You don't know that"
to which he retorted, "Well, there's a 50/50 chance"

Did I mention all day I have been wanting to be pregnant? I've even passed by a mirror or two and held up my shirt and pushed out my tummy a little.

But there is no baby inside, just the healing stretch marks and loose skin..

I remember what it felt like so vividly. I love being pregnant. Every aspect of it...