I am in such a strange place right now.
Happy thoughts of remembering her kick inside me, touching my belly, wearing maternity clothes, expecting a little bundle, anticipating the participation in the miracle of life. I laugh at all the little things I worried about getting ready before she came, about whether I'd be prepared to handle 2 under the age of 3. Oh how I missed the point sometimes..
It happened. It simply happened to me...I'm not angry that it happened to me, most of the time I'm not even sad that it happened to me, it just happened to me.
Everyone will have loss in their lives. Many will have children and they will die before the parents. It happens. I don't wonder why it happened, because it just did.
These feelings are strange.
I feel like she has prepared me for life....for life with disappointment, grief and above all resilience. I also appreciate everything and everyone more.
I'm not saying that there was a "lesson" to be learned from her death (as if she died to teach me a lesson) but I have learned a deeper appreciation of the people I love as well as I am not as selfish as I was. I never thought that people could really change who they are, such as temperment, but I can say I am not the selfish person I was (not that I was just living for myself or anything).
Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is owed. The universe is not fair, but blind. Can we tip the odds in our favor, certainly. But sometimes it's all a crap-shoot. But only the fool plays to win (and expects to). But we still play.....we still play
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12 comments:
Yes, we still play - it's called hope. And it's human to do so.
Best to you...
I have a friend IRL who insists what happened, happened to my son. My feelings of sadness, bitterness, fear, etc. are just the by-product of his death. I can see that. It makes sense to me that it happened to him. I guess because he was a part of me though, I think so much that it happened to me, but I guess I'm not the one that died. I'm just left surviving this loss.
I, like you, have changed in so many ways. I am not the selfish woman I was before. And really, I am grateful for this and so many other things his life and death brought me. It's just hard to see past the grief sometimes...
Yes, we play and we hope. And we keep getting up.
Thank you for this post... Very powerful, and so very true.
Hope and love is all I have left of my faith after my miscarriages... I think I would be in a worse place if I didn't have at least that.
It's comforting to hear the place you're at now. I hope I make my way there too. I'm still angry, I am still upset about 'it happens' although I know it's true.
You're right nothing is guaranteed in this life. But up we must get each time and see if anything better is in store.
oh C, I really think that that person IRL has never experienced a loss of any kind then. It doesn't just happen to the person who died, it affects everyone who loved that person.
Now, maybe what she was trying to say is that you didn't do it (i.e. you are not to blame for his death).
But I think people are stupid if they think that death does not hurt and affect other people. Of course you feel sad, bitter, and have fears!!! This person I don't think has ever lost a child. Losing a child is the hardest death to 'survive'
The place you're in sounds absolutely glorious to me right now. Can we trade places? Pretty please?
I'm feeling kind of envious. Because me? I stopped playing a long time ago.
expectations suck. i never realized how much i clinged to them before p@ige died. how much misery i could indulge in and still expect that things would be "fine".
can't say i've actually changed, but i know i'm working on it. and yes, she has taught me so much. and i hate it.
For me what this loss has done is make me afraid of life.. because now I know things can go wrong..So very wrong.
As you say nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is owed. The universe is NOT fair.. For now this scares me
Creating meaning in the aftermath of loss is a healthy, hopeful way to grow in life. It does not mean the loss itself held meaning, but that we have the ability to integrate that loss into our lives in a way that ultimately makes it richer. There will always be the paradox that we would trade our greater wisdom/perspective for the person we lost in a heartbeat- but since that option is not available to us, we have no choice but to glean what we can from the experience and continue to live. Hopefully, we find a way to live well.
You are more than on your way. I am thankful you are finding yourself in this place. And even when you fall backwards again (which can happen), you will find your way here again.
I am so with you on not trying to find a reason for their deaths. I hate that whole mantra, the bigger picture, the life lessons etc. I think it's all a bunch of crap. I am like you, I m just looking at my life as it is now and trying to see how I am different, how I am changed by this little life that was robbed of so much. I wrote somewhere else, I don't think that's trying to find a reason for his dying. I think it is giving meaning to his life.
And I am sitting right next to you at the craps table, just waiting to see what happens.
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