Almost.....

Sometimes, I catch myself in a moment where I remember where I was.
Where was I, you ask?
Well, it was days spent playing with my son...that was my job.
My son and my hubby were the center of my world.
There was no weight on my shoulders from the heavy reality of life.
There just wasn't.
In those innocent times I would wake up, make breakfast and coffee, we'd get dressed eventually have an outing somewhere, eat lunch, come home for nap, then I'd make dinner and wait for Dh to come home.
Being a SAHM is hands-down the most demanding job, BUT there was never any doubt in my mind that I would ever quit the job or ever questioned the validity of such a job.
I knew what I was working for.

These days, my day begins earlier...and certainly less leisurely.
I wake up a little too early, get showered, get dressed, make lunches, make breakfast, wake my son up, get him dressed and fed, head out the door into commute traffic, get to his school and play for about 15 min before I leave for my school. Once I get to my school I have about 25 min to prep before my classes start. After teaching, I head back to the preschool, pick my son up, we eat lunch, sometimes go to the park, then nap (during which I pay bills, prep for class the next day, eat lunch if I haven't already, answer emails, return phone calls), then nap's over, time for dinner, then the bedtime routine, sit for a couple of hours, go to bed then wake up and do it all again. The difference is, I get validation from my students (sometimes) and my boss that I am actually doing a good job and know what I am talking about.

Sometimes I have to forgo the daily mess that accumulates in my house, succombing to weekly rather than daily cleanings. I don't always have time to play with my child when he wants it (of course I do make time to play, but also have to do other things like make dinner). I don't have mornings off to join the gals at playgroup, plan an impromptu trip to a museum or type of animal menagerie.
And so, sometimes, I remember this life I used to have---my purpose, and I almost want to go back to that.

I only sort of remember how stressful it was entertaining a young one all day long, having no validation from anyone, feeling like I was most certainly failing at my job some days, waiting earnestly for Dh to come home just so I'd be "off duty".

But I think what I miss really is the innocence of it all.

In that pivotal moment, while sitting there at the table playing blocks with my son and remembering how this was how I would spend entire days, I feel the rewarding warmth rush in. In his world, there is only love and security.

I realize then that it's not that I long for the days where I was only a SAHM, but that I long for the days when they were simple and pure. I think if I could, I'd be 3 years old again...at least then, things made sense and the universe operated in a somewhat orderly fashion.