How is it yesterday was a lifetime ago?
It was so easy being a wife, a mother, a friend.
I remember being pregnant with my first, and having Dh come up behind me, hugging me and making a comment about being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
More importantly, I remember the effortlessness of the moment.
How is it February already when it seems like it was just May?
Tuesday will be 9 months since she died. Wednesday will be 9 months from that dreadful day of feeling numb after birthing my dead daughter. Thursday will be my 1 year wedding anniversary and Friday, will hopefully be the first time my son sees real snow in the mountains.
I have anxiety over the coming week. The anxiety started this weekend as we were going to go to a friend's birthday party. I melted down in the shower while getting ready for it. I talked myself into going and it was fun. More often than not though, now, I have a moment of dread about going out for social events...having to talk myself into it. It's hard. I never would get this type of social anxiety before. But the idea of conversing and laughing and being a normal person, sometimes just makes me want to stay home and crawl into my familiar hole. But I don't. I'm always glad I went after the fact. Even now, I'm dreading going to work. I'd much rather stay home and do nothing. But I know once I get there and get moving, I will feel better.
It used to be so effortless......
No fighting back tears, no anxiety about plans, no forced conversation and then spacing out to "THAT" place....
It'll be fine....I just have to keep moving...
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8 comments:
For me, the social anxiety comes from the fear that if I am out and having a good time that I have forgotten, that I am okay. I'd rather be reclusive and not see or talk to anyone than have them think I don't think of this and hurt every hour of every day.
I remember the effortlessness of it all and I miss it, too. I'll be thinking of you all week...
i hate the social anxiety. i can't even believe i feel this way. i used to be the most social person ever.
i used to force myself to go out when i didn't feel like it and those were usually the best times. but now? i still force myself sometimes and i feel like a freak. "forced conversation and spacing out to "that" place"...exactly right.
but that being said, i think you're right. just keep moving. just keep doing the neccessary.
nine months...for some reason i've thought from the beginning that month will be hard. something like being without her for as long as i was with her.
what a hard week to come for you.
xxx
I was trying to explain the social anxiety to my husband last night. I think he still just feels like I am avoiding his family (maybe there's some truth).
I will be thinking of you this week. Take care of yourself.
Luckily (well, in this context anyway), I've always had a certain amount of social anxiety, so I don't really notice any difference.
I'm a little surprised by everyone's comments that when they force themselves to go, afterwards, they're glad they went. I always regret forcing myself to attend events where I'm worried about feeling uncomfortable.
I definatly understand the social anxiety..do I ever. This coming from the social queen. Now I really have to make the effort and like you do feel better after I have gone...
I hope you're doing okay.. thinking of you on this very difficult day and week..Hang in there
Nine moths was very hard for me. And the anniversary right after must be difficult to square.
I am thinking of you today and all week.
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about today and the rest of this week.
I have avoided most social situations thus far for the same reasons. It just feels weird and "wrong" to have fun when our babies are dead. Not to mention the pity and sad eyes people look at you with. It makes me feel like a freak.
The thing that bothers me about being out, is the idea that if people see me having fun, laughing even, they will think that I have completely forgotten my baby or that I have, ugh, "gotten over it".
I have to force myself out, and usually have a decent cry before hand, dontcha love showers...they muffle the tears so well, but like most, after I have gone, I feel better that I dared to step outside the cocoon.
Hope you had lots of love and support yesterday and today and that you make it to the snow on Friday. Happy 1 year Anniversary, boy, what a effing first year of marriage...
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