After many conversations, I think I am slowly starting to believe again. I have been ruming over the concept, going back and forth between "accidental universe" and "designed universe".
Deep thinking, and of course emotions connected to those feelings.
Finally, I am prescribing to the 'meant to be' philosophy. When I look at my life, how could I not think this? This has been the case. When one door closed, another opened, and then later that door would close and another open. It doesn't seem very logical that is random at all. Believing in the randomness of the universe is much easier by all means.
I've said it before, but I had the perfect pregnancy. It would make sense then, since no fault can be placed on any living being, that the event of my daughter dying on her due date, during the early stages of labor, had to of been random. For awhile, I abandoned many of my beliefs and prescribed to this "universal randomness".
After interviewing many people who are 20 to 50 years my senior, many of them have relayed to me their lives and experiences and how they have come to believe what they believe. It is interesting that as their chronological age increased, their belief system became more intact. I have often wondered why many elders, who have never believed in anything (at least publically) before, now towards the ends of their lives, prescribe to a religion. I always thought that it was a fear of dying and that being "it"...the end of the road. Now I think maybe that it was their perspective. That after they look at their lives, it makes sense. As one person put it, "it all works out in the end. I don't even worry about the future because the answer will eventually present itself. Everything is meant to be".
Of course "meant to be" still hits that hard twang in my heart strings, but I have been thinking about it a lot. She was meant to be. I don't pretend to know the "whys", or the purpose, but saying that she was meant to be and that what happened was meant to happen is a very powerful thing. Make no mistake, I take no solace in thinking that my daughter was meant to die, but I do think that, for right now, it makes sense that this was meant to happen
I feel a huge relief in this. The answer will present itself eventually, I'm just relieved, that there is indeed an answer.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
6 comments:
It's good to believe in something. In that, I wholeheartedly agree. I'm glad you've found your something.
If it brings you peace to believe that, than so be it. Everyone has to find their own answer or reasons or peace. I am with C in saying I am glad you found what you were looking for.
I gravitate toward "accidental universe" because of the reason you stated...it's easier. However, I can see how "designed" could fit in as well. It's probably something I'll debate with myself about until I'm too old to care.
I think it's a struggle for everyone to find some sort of sense or reason in a world full of so much injustice.
I sometimes can get the meant-to-be and the randomness ideas to coexist -- so, though it seems contradictory, I can believe in both of them at the same time.
Im glad you are able to believe in your faith again. Like I have said before, Im not a religious person but I think its a shame for those who are to be left feeling like they dont know anymore about their faith.
The 'it was meant to be' hurts to much if you ask me. I cringe when someone says it to me.
Hugs
xxx
Post a Comment