Thus far, this morning I have done everything I did yesterday. I woke up, took a shower, made breakfast, got A dressed, dressed myself, got out the door, dropped him off at preschool, went to the gym....
But somehow today, in all those moments, the memories crept in. The memories of the fantasies I had about Jessica..about holding her, soothing her, feeding her, singing to her, holding her hands as she tried to walk, toddling away, comforting her when she fell.
I haven't had those memories of past dreams for a long time. And so the tears fell.
The shouldn't have beens and the would've beens piled up and spilled over. The remembrance of that feeling that you were the luckiest person in the world to have such a beautiful perfect family, all your dreams realized.
Oh the naivity of it all........
And as if to remind me of my 'positivity goal', my coffee, just then, spilled all over the seat of my car. Somehow the edge of the lid was swept away by me pulling the sun-visor shade out to cover my window, taking my coveted cup of latte with it. The very cup I had purchased moments earlier when I had decided to treat myself with a small, soy latte, not decaf.
Just to remind me, once again.....it could all be gone in an instant
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6 comments:
I hate the hard days, and some of them are so difficult. I hope you get through this one without any more bad things, big or small.
Whoops! Let me try that again...
I just went through a colpo scare. Depending on the level of abnormal cells, most of these pre-cancerous lesions (don't forget: they're pre-c and most cervical cancer is slow growing and often takes YEARS to do anything horrific) go away in 6 months to one year on their own.
The nurse who did my colpo was a wizard and it barely smarted. The good news: my next pap was normal.
So don't fret yet, as annoying as the whole process is. You're going to keep your ute, you're not going to get cancer, and chances are the lesion will clear up on its own without any further stuff necessary. You're doing all the right things and taking great care of yourself!
Ouch. I am sorry.
I hate the hard days. I know that, for me, the recent miscarriage(s) have only served to make these already hard days even harder.
It can all be gone in an instant. Yes. Yes it can.
Ain't that the truth. So sorry.
Thinking of you.
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