Just a few short weeks ago, I felt myself in the downward slump of depression. I was so fed up with the feeling I almost seriously considered going to my doctor and getting some medication. But I held out, and the past week has been so much better.
This Sunday was spent spending time with A and Dh. Dh and I went bike-riding downtown to our favorite pub, enjoyed yummy food and beer and then I happily pedaled back. Somehow I felt lighter, free-er.
It was good to laugh. It was good to enjoy my family's company. The little moments where my son literally makes me roar in laughter. Of more significance, it was great to feel like we did before...before our lives were turned upside-down.
What I once thought was lost forever in the naive part of my life, now reclaimed. I didn't think it was possible to feel that way again, and am encouraged that it does, if only for a few days at a time, to feel joy.
Tonight I was productive. Dh came home to a mini-turkey and stuffing meal, mashed potatoes, gravy, spinach salad (with feta and kalmatta olives), and some red wine. A was bathed, stories were read, and put to bed. Things were even in order for tomorrow (A had a project due and something to 'share' at share-time). And blueberry muffins were even made for tomorrow's breakfast.
It feels good....really really good to be content and productive for once. I am not obsessing over my weight (although I have been consistently working out still), obsessing over TTC (when it happens it happens), obsessing over getting my test results (really, there's nothing I can do at this moment), so I'm just taking it as it comes...for now anyways.
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8 comments:
I'm glad you are having a good time. *hugs*
sometimes i think that the hardest part of all this is to accept and be open to the good days when they come. then, after that, the hardest thing is to be open to and and accept that they will give way to more bad days. it's so aggravating that, once we get into a good space, we can't stay there...yet, to enjoy it whole we are there.
and so goes the most difficult lesson i've ever tried to learn in my flesh (not just in my mind, cause there? i've got it down). be in the moment, good or bad...or more accurately, heavy or light. don't wonder why, don't wonder how long. very, very hard for my little head.
content. that's a good word.
Lately, when a down day hits me, I find myself saying (in my head): Don't fight it, C. Just accept this and go with it. I still find it more difficult to do this on good days. I find there doesn't need to be such a conscious effort. I don't feel the good days like I feel the bad. I am sure I will again. I am sure they will be meaningful again, in time.
Glad you found some moments of reprieve. Accept the good, I say, where you can find it. XO.
It's lovely to finally find that space, isn't it. I just wish we didn't have to try so hard to find it.
Blueberry muffins sound divine.
We do need to cherish the good days, where we feel a bit normal again.
And man, the turkey and fixin's sound lovely!
mmm, blueberry muffins. glad you are having some good days.
That sounds like a very good place, one you can always return to after the slumps.
I remember when those days finally started to happen. It was such a relief and I remember being scared of when the next "bad day" would hit. However, after awhile, the bad days started becoming so few and far between that I wasn't scared of them anymore. Now, as odd as this may sound, I almost relish the rare moments when I can feel profundity of my loss again. Most of the time, it is just a quiet part of me that no longer carries a constant ache.
I pray for more good days for you.
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