Some days..

There are some days where I am reminded that my heart is still indeed broken. On days like today, I sit watching other moms and kids, toddlers, babies, and remember how my life was. I remember how I used to be at home with A and pregnant, baby inside kicking. I remember feeling so overwhelmingly fulfilled.

On days like this, I want my old life back. I want to wake up in the morning and start the day with A and not have to go to work, not have to deal with whatever BS the kids try and dish out that day. Not having to worry about lesson plans or questions I can't answer or how to I'm going to deal with the kid who pushes my buttons, or the boss who has no idea that everyday I come to work, I am thinking there must be something better that I am good at, something that I will want to come to work each day.

Making the decision to go back to work last fall was absolutely the right decision. I got out of the house and was productive. I don't know what I would have done or what sort of mother I would have been to A if I were at home all day with him and left to sulk around in a daze.

But on days like today I just want the only thing on my mind to be family. To be being a mom to A, and obsessing over having a baby, getting housework done, and making meals. I think about that life and what it would have been to have that perfect family. Now there are more questions: career, fertility, health.... Are we predestined or do we determine our destiny?

I want my old life back. But I cannot go back, so the question becomes, how can I change it? What is in the cards for me? What will happen next?
I hate everything being such effort.

Me: "mommy needs a hug today"
A: "okay mommy" (hugs)

My band-aid for now.