Up in the air..

I'm still here. There is so much up in the air right now I feel like I'm in a constant state of limbo.
Some of this will sort itself out in the next few weeks, some not for months.

I'm just hanging in there. Trying to get the energy to keep jumping through those hoops.
I alternate between being agitated and being calm. The calm comes from reciting "We'll see. I don't have control over this". Sometimes I say it in my head. Sometimes I say it aloud.

I am grateful to have options. Where there is no plan A, I have a B and a C. My life could be very different a year from now, or it could be the same, or somewhere in between. But I have a loving husband, cuddly preschooler, roof over my head, food in my tummy, family and not too hard of a life when you compare it to others.

I am practicing patience. One deep in, 1, 2, 3, let it out slowly. Picture what you have and feel your heart get full and warm. Picture what you want and try to imagine yourself with that and try and feel the same feeling. Without hope there is no future. My hope has changed from the eager desperateness and because it has been 'broken' by so many things, it has returned strong, steady and calm.
Trying to balance the control I have in my mind, with the raw emotions that come. I'm keeping them in check. Waiting to see what will transpire and which pieces of the puzzle with fall into place at that last moment.