I feel I am finding my way again. I am feeling more like 'myself' and being content. This is good. I never really know for sure when I have my depression spells (as I like to call them, or grief) how far I will go into it and when/if I will get out of it. Coming back from such a great high weekend really sent me crashing when I returned to reality. When I returned it was still raining, my weight was 2 lbs more, my baby was still dead, and I still wasn't pregnant. And it all weighed heavily down on me for a bit. I think what bothered me the most was that it was nearly two years and I felt like my life had not progressed in that time. I still have that fleeting thought sometimes.
But then Tuesday the sun came out, I went back, for the most part, on my diet, and got on my elliptical. For me, when I just force myself to get moving again, I instantly feel better. And cutting out most of the carbs helps me too. I think carbs maybe depress me in some way or another.
My cousin from the midwest was in SF and she came over for lunch the day we got back to see my mom and the rest of us. Even though I had already known about her miscarriage last summer through the grapevine, I was surprised at how open she was about everything. I wasn't expecting her to talk about how she went a year of doing OPKs and never getting a line. It was only through going to an acupuncturist/holistic medicine doctor that she got ovulating again. I wanted to tell her how we'd be trying and that I too had a miscarriage last summer, but for some reason, no words came out. I just sat there listening. And then the topic changed.
As for my cycle, well, AF came and luckily was done by the time the weekend arrived. I did the 5 days of 100mg Cl*m*d and will go in for the 10 day blookwork on Monday. So here I am again, just waiting to ovulate. What I am not liking about the Cl*m*d is that sometimes I feel some pressure in my ovaries. But it isn't a sharp pain or anything so I think I'm ok. I wonder too if the medication also made me a little moodier/depressed. So I'm here waiting. Wanna wait with me?
My fingers are crossed maybe this month will be my cycle. But if not, it's just more of the same.....as usual.
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6 comments:
Gawd I am such a witch on Clom00d. I hope you don't go "there" too :)
Glad you are finding your way again. It's like we're on this trampoline sometimes, bouncy effin ride.
Which reminds me, I am planning to come "home" to see my family in Spring/Summer. Maybe we can carve out a coffee meeting.
Hang in there hun. I think I will go try the elliptical too. Hoping good things for your cycle
xo
Everybody heals differently and it's great that your cousin seems to be doing so well, but I'm sure she has low points too.
I know a lot of people complain about moodiness from clo.mid, but for me the headaches are the worst... I guess they are bad enough to put me into a pretty bad mood.
Good luck with your blood work. Hopefully the clo.mid did it's thing and you'll get lucky this month.
More of the same. Yes, that is exactly what it is.
I have my fingers crossed that this month turns out to be very different for you, missing. XO.
I was so happy that I only had to be on Cl*m*d for one month. Of course, because it worked, but also because I was an emotional mess on it.
I'm glad you are feeling better and I continue to keep you in my thoughts.
Good to hear your feeling more up, I'm always amazed at how much exercise does for my mental health and yet it is the LAST thing I feel like doing when my mind is in the crapper you know? Why is that?
I hope this cycle is THE cycle. I really, really do.
xxoo
now that i'm able to compare (i know, lucky me), i think infertility, especially undergoing treatment, is like a chronic grief. deadbaby is acute pain. i am feeling it as the same feelings only different levels, if that makes any sense. it's a horrible out of control feeling.
being at the beginning of the treatment protocol, i can only say, try to save up your energy. f-in carefree, remember? it will help if your journey is longer than you want it to be, which, i mean, come on...has already happened to all of us.
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