Of course I am missing my baby but in reading other new babylost blogs, I miss the grief. I know it may sound strange but that first year I felt like every day I would think of her, see her spirit in the garden, do something to tribute to her. But as I got further and further away in time from those days, so did she get further away from me.
The intense grief kept me close to her.
I guess if I think back to the books that I have read, my grief is now 'resolved'. It is resolved in a sense that of course I will always feel sad and be missing her, but it is in a way that is at peace with the rest of me. I can still remember her face and remember her smell and remember the way I felt but it is in a way where it doesn't physically tear apart at my being.
How did I get to this place? I never thought I would.
My mother has been asking about 'Mother's day' this year (May 10th in the states). Because Jessica died the day before Mother's day and I delivered her on Mother's day(May 13 that year), we haven't celebrated for obvious reasons. But maybe this year, just maybe, I might be able to resume our tradition of going to Mother's Day brunch.
But even thinking that I might actually want to do this seems weird.
Not only that, but I have been making friends with a small tot. I even let him hug me. I even smiled at him.
This place feels weird. If people didn't know me 2 years ago, they would never guess that I have a dead baby...
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About Me
- missing_one
- west coast, United States
- I'm here because it seems to be helping. I am mother to a toddler and we lost our beautiful daughter on Mother's Day 2007 because of cord compression . Ironically, the day she died in the womb, May 12, was her "exact" due date(40 weeks). So many things like this I cannot explain. We welcomed our 'rainbow baby' Jan 2010! Email me: amendingheart at gmail dot com
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11 comments:
I guess I also feel that living a good life (ie, keep going) is a way to honor our babies everyday.
A brunch would scare me out at a restaurant, but maybe at home it would be doable. I wish you grace and peace to do whatever the family throws at you.
I guess you know your grief has changed when people are reading your blog and emailing you "looking for hope". It was strangely healing.
Thank you. You give all of us who are early on in our journey hope.... hope that maybe this pain does get a little easier to manage.
Strength to you.
I've found that as time passes, the grief is still there, I just learn to manage life with "normal" people. But it's just under the surface. I just choose whether or not to share it with others.
Mother's Day is a hard day... But we always celebrate. It's rough, but I can't imagine not. Same with Father's Day. We give each other cards/gifts and have a special meal.
I hope you find peace in your celebrations this year.
I think I get what you're saying. Although I'm not at the same point, I have found myself lately feeling the need to look at our babies' photos more - I think I'm scared I'll forget what they look like. Sometimes it seems hard to preserve a memory from such a short life. . .but even if our grief is "resolved," we never forget; never stop loving.
I'm proud of you, fwiw :)
All my mc's were early so I have no idea what your journey to this point must have been like. I am sorry for the pain but I am glad you are starting to find some peace.
Integrated grief is a hard transition, beautiful in its own way, but full of longing for what used to be too.
I hope you find the right way to recognize mother's day for you - and Jessica.
((hugs))
I want to leave you some words (encouragement, empathy) but they elude me. Resolving grief is difficult, leaves me with mixed feelings.
I am not at that point with my loss, but I have reached it in grieving my mother, who died 8 years ago. I don't know when it happened...it is a kind of acceptance, I guess, what I never thought possible. But (not to be too sappy), your love for her will go on.
I miss the grief, too. I sometimes wonder if, like you, I've come to a place of resolution. Certainly, not with the experience I've had after C died, but with his death itself. I am living again, meeting new people, moving on and though this is good in so many ways, I really miss the intense, crippling grief because it's the only tie I have to him. To say that life goes on is cliche, I know, but it does.
i often think of those first few days and wonder how i got here, to this place. i wonder how we all survived that pain and still keep going.
I'm so very late, but I wanted you to know I'm reading along and thinking of you, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers in a special way as these dates approach.
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