I woke up last night in a sweat coming from the lower half of my body. I then freaked out trying to figure out if I was lying in amniotic fluid. I went to the bathroom and still couldn't really tell because sweat and amniotic fluid both don't really have a smell to them.
I then proceeded to dream that I had milk coming out of my breasts and started pumping in anticipation for the arrival of the baby. But I couldn't shake the weird feeling I had about why I was having milk before the baby came. And the only thing I kept coming back to was that birth was a positive feedback mechanism which caused the body to produce milk.
I lay awake in terror until I felt movement.
Sometime my son came to bed. I'm not sure why. He hasn't done that in over a year at least. He came in and went to sleep
My last dream was about this family at my son's school. They have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old and now she is expecting again. I dreamt I had the 3 year old and the two year old in addition to my own son and I lost hers at an open mall. At some point my sister showed up to help me find them, but I kept seeing little blond boys everywhere, but none were the right ones.
I think you all have me officially freaked about this GD thing. Last night before going to bed I read about how babies can have weaker hearts and GD puts them at risk for stillbirth. But the treatment for GD just seems to be watching your diet and exercising. I've been exercising regularly throughout the pregnancy, but because I was freaked out about artificial sweeteners, had switched to regular sugar. I feel like I'm totally screwing this up.
On top of which yesterday I kept thinking about how I wished I were more comfortable, thin and relatively carefree again (i.e. not pregnant). I think that's a cop-out though. I think I am a coward.
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7 comments:
You are not a coward....I wish I could take away your anxiety..I so wish you could enjoy this pregnancy and you did not have the experiences you have...I wish sweet Jessica was here and you did not have to endure this pain. I pray peace for you and a safe arrival of your new blessing.
((((HUGS)))))))
I'm really sorry -- I don't think any of us had the intention of freaking you out. I think some of us were gently trying to point out that this isn't a test result we'd blow off to a temporary diet and a lack of symptoms. Some people are genetically susceptible to GD, regardless of their diet/exercise regimen. It's one of those things. The great news about GD is that it's manageable, and can be monitored -- that is, you don't need to leave it to fate. There are things you and your doctor can do (some people monitor insulin levels and actually use it periodically). It's when it goes unattended where it causes problems.
You're not screwing anything up -- you're doing great. But sadly we all know that pregnancy is not a meritocracy, and no amount of yoga and blue cheese abstinence can guarantee 9 months of bliss and a live baby at the end. Which sucks mightily, but there it is.
Just deciding to get pregnant again makes you a brave hero in my book.
Hang in there hun :(
You're not a coward. You're doing something incredibly brave right now.
I hope you get some good and restful sleep tonight.
As scary as it is, remember knowledge is power. GD, as Tash says, can be monitored and the baby can be cared for when you know you are dealing with it. Call your doc and talk about what you can do IF you are dealing with this. I know the stress in the pg after is CRAZY and for me, when things popped up, like fluid in the kidneys on an u/s scan or the exposure to parvo, what helped was actually DOING something about it and not feeling as though there was nothing that I could do. And in making the scary phone calls to my OB and the other folks I had to talk to to get myself informed I felt less out of control and more able to 'handle' the stress. I think joining up in this db club makes us all feel like helpless victims (b/c we were in the moment we joined), that we forget there are some things we actually can control. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel in control. The stress of 'maybe' and 'what if', on top of DB mom pg after stress, is not what you need right now, or ever. Getting the answers will at least eliminate the unknown from the equation.
Hang in there, you can do this!
I'm so terrified that I try not to even think about the pregnancy. Thinking of you.
you are extremely brave.
i had gd. one of the pluses is bigger babies, if you are at risk for ptl. it can be a help, as it was for us, but make sure you keep it strictly in check. that was key.
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