Supermom...

There are times that I feel like Supermom. Those times when the house is clean, the laundry is done, dinner is made, and both kids are happy. Dh comes home to find me reading a story to A (who is bathed and ready for bed), with G in my arms sleeping. In these moments I pause to think about what it would have been like with a two year old in the mix.

There are times when I feel like Crappymom (for lack of a better name), when the house is a mess, one is throwing a tantrum, while the other is inconsolably fussy, and when Dh walks in the door there is no dinner. In these moments too I pause to think about what it would have been like with three.

These thoughts are unrealistic. If J were alive, G probably would not be. But I can't imagine my life feeling complete without him. Would I have even had 3 living children? Probably not, but you never know I guess. So thinking like this gets me nowhere.

But I do know this, my life is much better and feels more complete with G here. And not to sound 'cliche', but I wouldn't change my life right now for anything. So forgive me if, in this moment, I have no desire to be anywhere else. I should be studying for the GRE and looking at applications for nursing school, but somehow, I can't muster up the will. I want to eat up every last precious moment of the day (and night) because they go by so quickly. I don't want to blink and find it all gone.