Grief again...

I've neglected this space. No, maybe I've just reserved this space for the deep down thoughts, when they reach the surface.

My friend who was instrumental in so many ways to helping me through that awful year died of cancer this month. I can't think about him without also thinking about all the times he let me just cry and feel and scream. He understood in a way no one I've met in person has. He was there for me, when my husband wasn't. Not because he didn't want to be, but because he grieved very differently. He was unbelievably kind to me. He has passed and I will miss him deeply.

This Saturday I went in and had time erased. My flabby, saggy belly, of which no exercises in the world have been able to get rid of, is now permanently gone. I had lost all the weight of all my pregnancies but the belly remained, until now. Last night, 24hours after my surgery, I took the bandages off briefly and saw my pre-child belly. I felt guilty. I have erased some of the only evidence that remained of carrying my daughter. See, evidence is very important when a child dies before birth. Otherwise it may be hard to conceive she ever existed at all. Beyond the guilt, I am feeling hopeful. I have wanted this for a very long time and I am ready to move on. I can be content that she lives on in my heart and no longer feeling like I have to explain my sagginess in terms of 3 children, when all people see is two.

We are approaching 4 years. Time has healed and scarred. I feel the ebb of time as both something dreadfully heavy, but also something that washes away, leaving one feeling lighter...