another year without her here...

Just another year. It still astounds me. I had a daughter and she died. The only way I know it was real are the feelings inside that start to leak out. I miss her. I miss what could have been. She would be starting kindergarten in the fall. She would be wearing summer dresses. We'd be having a glorious birthday party for her, this year, on mother's day - the same day she was born. Except she wasn't. Not really. She only lived inside me. She never saw the world; its beauty, its ugliness and everything in between. I love my boys more than anything. I love them so much I could cry tears of joy that they are here and thriving. But none of this makes me miss her any less. Especially never knowing the mother-daughter experience. I can't dwell on it though. Plenty of moms have children of the same sex and won't know what it is like to have one of the other; even without a baby dying, just regular ol' roll of the dice. I can't say 'I guess I only have boys' like they do. I had a girl. She died. Boy. Girl. Boy. I've been telling strangers I have three children. I just comes out of my mouth. I don't know why. It's like my own private joke....or private fantasy. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the passage of time. What can I do? I am here. I am still grieving. I will forever be missing her. But the hole is not dark. I have come through the tunnel. Most days I don't even stop to think about what could have been or the nightmare that was May 12-13 2007. I have to believe there is something after this, where we will see those we love again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Happy Mother's day to all you mothers in blogland. Those with living children, those with dead children, those with both. We love, we are loved. And love is endless and timeless. *hugs to everyone* I know I need one.