Transition ....and Momentum

Periods of transition are difficult for me, waiting around for the next thing, while the memories of the last thing still linger.
This past week has been hard. I am not sure why, but I signed up to teach Summer School this year. I guess part of me thought that I should teach summer school this summer because hopefully I will not be able to teach it next summer...you know, hopefully when I will have another baby in my arms....preferably an alive one.
But this week was my week in between. Not quite enough time to start projects, and yet just enough time to become a little depressed waiting around for things.
I am still a little sad at saying goodbye to the seniors who I graduated this year, and so teaching a whole new crop so soon, feels a little insane at the moment.
Tomorrow the madness begins, but today, all I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep.....just sleep away the time. My son's summer school started this past week and I have been missing him horribly while he is away in the mornings. Which makes me think that maybe the decision to teach summer school was not a bad idea after all. I guess I just need to overcome the inertia to get the momentum going again.

Next month (or rather more likely in the next week) will be our first TTC cycle. And I know many of you have already embarked (and succeeded) on this process, but for me, the added kick is that we have never actually TTC before. It's just happened twice. I am trying not to stress out about TTC, but really don't know what to expect. I will say that the combination of the FertileAid supplements that I take twice daily and the B Complex vitamin I take daily have really kicked my thyroid into shape to overcome that postpartum 'crashing' that I thought I was headed for. Heck, I'm pretty sure I even ovulated this cycle and the cycle before that was the first cycle off BC but at least it was only 28 days exactly.

I just pray that with summer school and TTC I will not stress myself out too much.

Oh, and I have pretty much eliminated the caffeine in my diet this month!
Okay, enough boredom.

"An object in motion will stay in motion unless a force acts on it. An object at rest will stay at rest unless a force acts on it" Newton's 1st Law

I need some force to overcome the rest...maybe then I will be rolling. Until then, I'm curling up in my bed for one last day

THIS Infuriates ME!!!

I received the following email tonight from the co-director of the mother's club I am affiliated with (names have been altered or deleted):

Hi Missing_one,

You had previously expressed interest in the Treasurer role and actually backed out for this current year. I’m contacting you to see if your situation has changed and if you would like to take on this position next year which begins on Sept. _. I have cc’ed the current Treasurer in case you have any questions on the role.

Thank you,

----




to which I replied, trying to contain my anger:

Hi -----,
After mourning the death of my daughter last year, I have decided that I need to continue to focus inward on my family.
I don't believe this situation will change soon.
Thanks for thinking of me.

Regards,
Missing_one


Are you F---ing kidding me?
This person brought me a meal when we were in the midst of grief. I sat there, while she breastfed her infant in front of me. I sat there because I thought she wanted to hear my story. Yeah, I backed out. I f---ing backed out! No my situation won't change. It will never change! Argh, I am so angry I could punch her in the stomach. Which is saying something because I am not a violent person.

You all get this, right?

edited to add: and to torture myself further, I keep opening up my email and reading and re-reading it

Courage...

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have courage.

It takes courage to triumph when other people said you couldn't.
It takes courage to stand up, unwaivering, for what you know to be true and pure.
It takes courage to persist when it seemed more amenable to cower in the corner.
It takes courage to make the decision to turn your life around while watching others take the easiest route, seemingly unhindered

It takes courage to try again when you have failed so many times
It takes courage love and risk not being loved back
It takes courage to have faith in yourself, even when you suspect no one else does
And most of all, it takes courage to feel proud even though the journey was not at all as you had planned.

*SIGH*

Sometimes I feel as if the weight of the world is going to crush me....