Stupid Paranoia...

'A' took a 'big brother' class today. Although it was a class for the children to ask questions, I timidly raised my hand to ask one that I forgot to ask my OB at the last appointment. And since the facilitator was a birth coach for the hospital, I figured she ought to know.
I asked if kids were allowed in the waiting rooms/recover rooms. Since the outbreak of H1N1 many of the hospitals have enacted a rule that says children under 16 may not enter the hospital.
She said 'no, they aren't'.
I started to lose it. Tears filled my eyes, I could feel my face go flush. And while she kept on teaching the children, I, for a brief moment thought in my stupid little head, "If it were two years ago instead of today, he would be allowed to hold this baby in the hospital. It should have happened two years ago".
Stupid me.
A was too young then to understand what was going on. He didn't go to the hospital, he doesn't know he had a sister who died. Maybe one day, when he is much older, I will tell him the story. But right now, I want him to hold onto that innocence. The innocence I lost.
And so poor A looked up at me, while trying to change the diaper on the baby doll, with that look of worry. The looked that begged "mommy, what's wrong?". I forced a smile and got up to get a glass of water. Later I told him why I was sad. I told him it was because he would not be there in the hospital, and I was sad about that.
No matter that he's been vaccinated for the H1N1 since the beginning of October, he will not be able to be there.
I thought about getting a doctor's note from his pediatrician, but Dh is doubtful that would change the policy.
Stupid paranoia....aren't there other things to be concerned with?

So close..

I saw my Dr. today and am 1 cm dilated, which is something at least.
As long as I progress, we will schedule an induction in 2.5 weeks from now.
I just have to hold my breath until then...

Reliving...(update)

After crying for over an hour last night I came to the conclusion that this has to be OK.
He has to be born alive.
And then I knew deep down in my soul that he will be.
I have to believe that.

Reliving... (disclaimer...this is a hard post but I have to write it)

Let me start out by saying I am not 'freaking out'.
But...
I have started to really think about the labor process again. It is a reality that hopefully I'll face in 3 weeks or less. And it is bringing back the memories.
I haven't really thought about Jessica's birth in a long time, but lately I have remembered the details as if it happened yesterday.
Except that when I picture it, I'm not taking part in the process, I am viewing it as if I were watching a movie. Or maybe I was a bystander.
I watched while they inserted the IV with the Pitocin.
I watched while they pre-ran the epidural line for when I would need it.
I watched while I tried to sleep, but couldn't. How I wished I were dead. How I wished I were the one dead and not she. How I would have given anything for to have lived instead of waiting to birth her lifeless body.
I started to feel uncomfortable and we started the epidural.
And there was talking
And I was dilated to 10 but we were going to wait a little longer until she came down a little more...to make it easier.
I gave two pushes and she was out.
I was surprised she was warm. Death should be cold. But she was in my warm body.
Dh thought to dress her. We took pictures. Family members held her We waited for my mom to come (she had to drive a couple of hours)
And then they took her away.
And we were left with the decisions one makes when someone dies.
I was numb
Dh made the decisions. He made the arrangements. I went, but I was not there.

We said our final good-byes at the crematorium. We arranged to be there when they did it. Dh wanted to see her taken care of to the end. I didn't want to go. Dh said I didn't have to, he understood. But I did have to. And then I looked through the small window at the flames.

......