Let me start out by saying I am not 'freaking out'.
But...
I have started to really think about the labor process again. It is a reality that hopefully I'll face in 3 weeks or less. And it is bringing back the memories.
I haven't really thought about Jessica's birth in a long time, but lately I have remembered the details as if it happened yesterday.
Except that when I picture it, I'm not taking part in the process, I am viewing it as if I were watching a movie. Or maybe I was a bystander.
I watched while they inserted the IV with the Pitocin.
I watched while they pre-ran the epidural line for when I would need it.
I watched while I tried to sleep, but couldn't. How I wished I were dead. How I wished I were the one dead and not she. How I would have given anything for to have lived instead of waiting to birth her lifeless body.
I started to feel uncomfortable and we started the epidural.
And there was talking
And I was dilated to 10 but we were going to wait a little longer until she came down a little more...to make it easier.
I gave two pushes and she was out.
I was surprised she was warm. Death should be cold. But she was in my warm body.
Dh thought to dress her. We took pictures. Family members held her We waited for my mom to come (she had to drive a couple of hours)
And then they took her away.
And we were left with the decisions one makes when someone dies.
I was numb
Dh made the decisions. He made the arrangements. I went, but I was not there.
We said our final good-byes at the crematorium. We arranged to be there when they did it. Dh wanted to see her taken care of to the end. I didn't want to go. Dh said I didn't have to, he understood. But I did have to. And then I looked through the small window at the flames.
......
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9 comments:
Wow, I didn't even know you could do that. I wonder if I could have. It stops my breath just reading it. My h made all of the arrangements too. I couldn't standd the idea of talking to someone about my baby. Except that I went, alone, to pick his ashes up. I remember driving home with his ashes on my front seat and thinking, I am drving a hearse, I am a funeral procession and no one but me even knows it.
I remember being shocked that Caleb was warm when he was born too. And then being equally shocked later at the funeral home that he was cold. Nothing was what I expected and just as I thought I was understanding, things would change again. And never in a good way.
These last weeks are so hard, so full of anxiety. I wish I had magic words to make you feel better but I know, there are none. I hope you have a very short, peaceful labor and that this little man makes his way into your arms as quickly as possible.
If the idea of labor becomes too overwhelming, can you ask your doc about a c/s? I know it's not everyones idea of a perfect birth, but I know for me, I was relieved to know they would just go in and get him out and that my body couldn't screw it up... again.
sighs.
xxoo
i had to remind myself at the crematorium, she's not really there. it's just her body. but still.. i made that little body, and i wanted to bring it home.. with her soul inside it. not swirling around elsewhere in the heavens.
i'm so sorry. i hope the next few weeks run smoothly for you and your mending heart. as smoothly as they can. i will be praying tirelessly for you...
Our funeral home let us be present too. Peter carried each of our children down and placed them in the cremation unit. He watched until it was over and then brought their ashes up, to where I waited in the family room. Only one of us could go and, since I brought them into the world, he wanted- needed- to be the one to take their bodies out.
It was hard. So hard.
Oh hun, I know...I so know.
We are like twins, only 7 months apart. I commented before. My boy died suddenly from cord compression at 42 weeks on Christmas Fucking eve 2007, we get the double joy of stillbirth on important holidays, yeay us!
I am also 3 weeks away from delivery of my subsequent child and I KNOW your terror and anxiety and hope and numbness and all of it, cause I am going through it all myself. I have moments of shear bliss as she kicks me and flies through biophysicals, then I have moments of shear, I am going to vomit terror when I think of delivery again, or when things happen like last night when my doppler died and I was sure it was a bad omen. All it really was was a dead battery..this is a terrifying path to walk for us both, and all we can do is survive it one day at a time and pray for hope.
<3
I didn't know you could do that either.
We bought J@cob home before the funeral. That was hard, really hard. I would have like to have stayed with him to the very end. I wish they'd told me that was something that could be done.
You have been and still are being so brave. You really are. Hang in there as there's not much longer to go and this will all be OK. Please try and repeat that to yourself even if you don't believe it, I do and I know we're all out here willing it to so.
I have no idea how you did that. That would have been my undoing; I took the chicken shit way out. It makes sense that you remember. That the memories are sometimes haunting. That the pictures stay with you. . .
I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry.
I also had no idea you could do that. I personally couldnt have. I dont need those as my last memories. We had Zak In our room with us in the hospital over night after he died and then all the next day. I was surprised at how much he just looked like a sleeping baby. We even had him with us the next day as well for a while but I asked them to come and get him at a set time THEY decided on. If I had to decide I would have kept him in my arms forever. There is no way I could have been there at the very end and I think that if S had been offered that he would have ended his own life. That would have been more than he could handle. You are so brave to have done that.
I know everyone says that keeping bub inside till 40 weeks is best but for me and my head 35 week and a c section was all I could handle. Im so thankful my Dr understood that.
Thinking of you all the time.
Huge hugs
xxx
I hate reliving that day. Just reading your memories made me cringe, only because I know how bad you were hurting as it happened. It's all so surreal as it happened.
Hang in there. It's not long now. You can do it!
So hard to relive those times. Thinking of you and hoping like mad that things are very different for you this time.
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