What made me smile

What made me smile today:
We went to the consignment store because I had consigned some of the old baby stuff in an effort to justify buying new baby stuff...well, today I told her I would probably not be consigning any more items for awhile and asked for a check for what I had sold. It was only $14 or so dollars but I wasn't going to use the credit to buy more baby stuff for obvious reasons so what was I to do?
She pulls out the check book and just then, Aiden comes up with a toy shopping cart. This is actually something I had been thinking about getting him but since he doesn't really need any more toys, I never actually bought him one. Well, the kicker was that it was $15 and some change. So we bought it with my credit and a couple dollars more.
He then asks me for my purse. Uhm...ok, he's never done THAT before. I tentatively give it to him and he proceeds to put it in the front part of the basket and stroll out to the car.
How funny. My son wanted a purse to put in the seat part because that is what I do. I go to the store and after plopping him into the seat in the front of the cart and I put my purse next to him. I guess he was paying attention all these times. Just goes to show you...

Waiting.

I hate waiting.
Currently my waiting list includes:
-hemorraging to stop
-cycle to start after above
-book "trying again" to arrive
-official job offer for fall
-time to pass
-DVD "who killed the electric car" to arrive
-confirmation on preschool for Aiden
-fall
-fall
-fall
-fall...........and then maybe spring

I can just tell..

Today's going to be one of those days...
I know part it is that my plans for today fell through so I'm trying to fill-in time
AND I'm out of chocolate!
Let's see how far I make it without going insane.

So I'm an evil person

Not really but I do have dark thoughts. Like when I'm around moms I know who are pregnant or who have infants, sometimes I secretly hope something bad will happen to them. I look at them, and think, "that should have been me" and then my thought is, while I listen to them talk of their petty fears, "Just wait until you have your dreams crushed, then tell me your fears" I was supposed to be like all of them. Our oldest is 2 and the youngest an infant. Literally, there is only one other mom (out of about 13) that only has one right now and is not pregnant. She only wants one and that is her decision.
When I think about it, I don't really want something bad to happen to them, I just want a buddy. Sort of like when you're fat and you want the popular cheerleader to become fat so she'll become your best friend and you'll sit around and talk about being fat and how no body else understands. And us two are the wall flowers at the dance bawking at all the skinny chicks and how slutty they look or such nonsense that you conjur up when you are that age. (I can say this because I have struggled with weight my whole life)
I just wish that I'd have a grief buddy.
I hate that there is no one here physcially to share the grief. My husband of course grieves, but I just think there is a different kind of grief that comes from being a mother. It is just different (or so I think).
And it is a cruel thing that there are two mothers in my group (who we all just found out) that had losses and one similar to me, but they both have infants(not to mention one has four living and the other three-I guess there is hope). I mean under 3 months old. How cruel is that that these are women who have been through the darkness and I can't even be around them?
And my world is full of mommies who either have their second baby, or are in the making. I want my own group of the slightly jaded, slightly sader, slightly more worldly who have a deeper appreciation of children and what they bring. Even though it pains me that so many have already gone through this process. It is a double-edged sword I guess.
In a nut shell, to anyone reading and/or who has a blog, thank you for being here.