There's No Place Like Hell for the Holidays..

It has started. Our tree is up. The wreath is on the door...
And while waiting in line at Star.buc.ks, the depressing Christmas music playing, the emotion swept over my body, and I stood there, feeling the tears build up. Don't cry..don't cry. I chanted to myself. Then I had the angry urge to notify the baris.ta that if their desire was to depress the customers with the choice Christmas music selection, they were succeeding.
Instead, I stood there waiting, still as a statue, until he called my name.

Latte in hand, I thought it was going to be easier. But it wasn't. The grocery store was playing its holiday selection as well. Not as depressing, but when coupled with the newborn in the sling, the youngster in the stroller, the holiday chocolates displayed, it was hard not to make a bee line straight to the alcohol section. Nevermind the fact that it was only ten in the morning.
Finally I was checking out and trying to think if I forgot something: milk, cheese, nuts...
The problem was not that I forgot something. In fact, that couldn't have been further from what the true problem was.

In the car on the way home I cried. It wasn't over any one thing. Sure, my baby died, my womb was empty, but somehow that wasn't it. Maybe it is, I don't know. What I know is that I have never liked the holidays, Christmas particularly. I would cry as a child because my parents bought me too much stuff. I don't know why. But now that I have an actual reason to hate this time of year, I guess all bets are off.

I want to call it off; stop the madness of the consumerism, the debt people get into, the disappointment over material things they didn't receive. I guess that is the double edged sword of having a living child, I have to do Christmas this year. He deserves the joy.
So I will fake it for my son, because I wish him the happiness I cannot myself feel this time of year.

No wonder there are so many suici.des around the holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving

For those of you in the states, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you are hoarding tons of succulent turkey, pumpkin pie and lush vino.

My mother and sister are coming over and I will spend time with just my son, Dh, my sis and mum. I am so grateful for the people I can count on. The people I can be myself around.

I am also grateful for all of you, who are hear through my wining, through the sadness, and hopefully happier times to come. Thank you guys!

What are you grateful for?

But what I meant was...

I don't even feel that desperateness anymore. When we first started TTC, I did everything. OPK, FM, Temping, and now I just don't have the energy to throw a lot of hope or disappointment at a cycle.

I guess I'm just in a weird place. You stand in line long enough, you begin to think your turn may not come up, but you keep standing anyways.


In other news, we are avoiding Dh's family (you know, the two preggos and now my SIL wants to make money so is going to be a surrogate for some couple on the opposite coast, you know because she had a 3rd child which they can't afford anyhow) for Thanksgiving and Dh is cooking up a storm. We're laying low....

Tired..

I'm tired again. I don't think I even have the emotional energy this month to think about the 2WW. It's day 7 and there was hardly a chance this month, so what's the point? Plus, because I got sick, I didn't ovulate until day 36 and that can't be good.

I am frustrated and feel like just throwing in the towel. I'm almost considering going on BC for a couple of months to get my cycle regulated again.

It's just so exhausting. I can't even think about it. I can't even POAS. I'm almost resigned to that fact that I will never get what I want, so maybe I should stop wanting it.

How do you guys keep the hope? It's been so long since I had a little baby swishing around my tummy that I forget what it's like.

I guess I have the Monday blues. :(